There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
Other helpful posts:
- How to Set Better Boundaries with Your Friends
- Cultivate Meaningful Friendships
- Are You a Runner or a Fighter? (How to Stand Up for Yourself When it Counts)
FINAL CHANCE! Last chance to get Living Well Spending Less resources before the doors close on April 30, 2024! Check out all our final offers here.
Pin for Later:
Ruth Soukup
Latest posts by Ruth Soukup (see all)
- Stop Worrying About Money - July 19
- How to Fit In More Fitness - April 28
- The Most Powerful Decision You’ll Ever Make - April 27
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR HOME LIFE
Ever feel like you just can't keep up? Our Living Well Starter Guide will show you how to start streamlining your life in just 3 simple steps. It's a game changer--get it free for a limited time!
If you love this resource, be sure to check out our digital library of helpful tools and resources for cleaning faster, taking control of your budget, organizing your schedule, and getting food on the table easier than ever before.
I hurt a friend by going ghost on her for 3 months, all because i was angry and i had my own stuff dealing with.She really needed me because her mom was in the hospital. I feel beyond awful. I really need help. Im full of so much pride that it hurt my friendship. I feel so detached from reality
I feel for you. I don’t understand why things can’t be “talked out.” Is it because there is a raw emotion on her part she can’t fess up to? For example, it’s pretty hard to say “I’m jealous of you.” Of course this may not be the reason, I’m just saying the true reason might be too hard to reveal.
I feel your pain, I’ve had a situation in the last 3 yrs. where my first cousin, who I’ve know for 50 years, decided to de emphasize our closeness.
She would very pointedly let me know she had expanded her social network. I have four older sisters but always looked to her as my closet “ sister,” so you can imagine the angst/ pain of it all.
I asked her three times what was going on, her reply “ you’ve asked me that three times, nothing, in a very angry tone.
This all seemed to happen after her mother died. The funny thing is, I used to be her closet confidant when it came to her difficult relationship with her Mom.
All this said, I’ve worked on not feeling victomized, but It’s just pure grief when you lose this type of relationship. I never thought we wouldn’t be close.
The hardest part is we are a close family and other members know and love her and don’t want to take sides (my own sisters included).
Its a hard situation on so many levels. Often I’ve felt it would be MUCH easier to just move on entirely.
To all the women with similar stories, I’m feeling your pain.
I googled and found this page because I’m conflicted in what I am actually feeling. I’ve been close with a group of women who I actually brought together about 10 years ago. We have traveled together, partied together. Introduced each other to our extended families. There are some women in the group who are best friends, but everyone has been close. I went through a very difficult time last year in a 30 day period and ended up offending my closet friend in the group. I had been at the hospital 3 days and nights with a sick family member and knew I should have stayed home but wanted some time with my friends. Lack of sleep and a couple of drinks, I was done and went home. The next day I texted her a couple times with no response….started to get that paranoid feeling since we usually texted several times everyday. Finally got a response informing me I had made her husband mad and they thought I had behaved rudely at their home. I was horrified that I had offended unintentionally. She recited my offenses and I apologized to everyone on her list. She assured me that she and her husband loved me and of course accepted my apology. Then she went quiet. Finally after repeatedly reaching out to her she took my call and told me I wasn’t fun anymore and although she hoped we could be cordial when we saw each other that our friendship could never be the same. This happened last May and slowly but surely she has planned activities for the group but leaves me out. My husband encouraged me the end of the year to reach out once more after I actually dreamed we had made up. I text her, told her of my dream and ask if we might get together and talk. She told me she was really busy through the end of the year….we would get together after the new year. It’s the middle of February and still no call. This has all been difficult for me since she was THE person I talked to about everything and visa versa. Today I saw on FB that she’s planning a “girls trip” (which I’ve always planned) and invited everyone but me. I haven’t discussed any of this with any of the other women and have no idea what she has told them as to why I’ve been MIA from activities. I’m really struggling with a multitude of feelings. The fact that she alone knew what a difficult situation I was dealing with, chose to kick me when I was down and is discarding me is heartbreaking. Freezing me out of the group is disheartening. I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I’m feeling without involving women in the group and I’m not stooping to that level. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
I’ve had this happen with a friend of 20 yrs plus who has texted but not been there in person these last 6 months whilst I ve been having treatment chemo and radio for breast cancer. A difficult time. To say I have been hurt and wounded by this is an understatement. Also because she is the portal to a larger group of friends this has also affected the support dynamic of this group too. I am trying to continue going to pre booked events etc whilst all the time feeling a cast-off. My friend boycotted the Christmas ball we usually attend as I was going – despite my letter urging her to go. No reply. What have I done to deserve this – nothing. Unless you count noticing her drifting away and saying how sad I was about not seeing her. This was seen as criticism I suspect vs a heartfelt plea. I hope someone can tell me how to get through and over this as I am struggling. I know this is her emotional frailty but honestly. How can you not have an ounce of compassion for an old friend that has been battling cancer. I’m lost as to what to say or do as she is a non engaged! Sad from Wirral uk
Grace or not, nvr doubt your own happiness. I have been let down plenty of times. Thought it was my own fault. Did soul searching and still blame myself. Until it hit me recently that things happened for a reason. People hurt you, because you are kind. And that’s your speciality and uniqueness. No one can give your own happiness but yourself. So let those people do bad unto you, don’t do it to them. I’m 38, very much single(obviously lonely at times n need friends/family for accompaniment) and I often choose to walk away when humans disappoint me. Of course, I will be lonely when I walked away but I know God is fair.