There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
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This hit home and as life goes on notice that people will come in and out of your path for a reason. Sometimes we out grow certain friendships. Not long ago I was asked who was my best friend, my "person" I paused for a second, smiled and responded.... my husband. That's when I realized that friendships no longer mattered because my person had been beside me the whole time. Don't get me wrong I like friends, I just don't like the drama that sometimes comes with it. Sometimes it just boils down to jealousy or the littlest thing, a problem that could be solved by with a smile and wave. When you set out to be a positive example for others that road can get rough... Just keep walking, hold your head high and remember that God knows your heart.
Agreed. I am going through the same thing right now. I was ill. My friends took me in and within a few months told me I had to leave. I was devastated, felt betrayed and crushed. I didn't think this would have happened in a million years but it did. Just about every day I think about it and how it hurts. I have not tried to reach out because I am still trying to get over the hurt and disappointment. This is a person who I looked up to as a sister. Yes we give Grace and even forgiveness and try to move past it. But the hurt is still there. I just continue to pray about it. I'm glad I stumbled on this page. The stories are inspirational. Thanks.
This really hit home. I had a coworker who was really close to me and just like that she became very distant. She even went as far as to hide her posts from me on social media. To this day I have no idea what happened or where I went wrong, but she eventually came around a little bit and talked to me but never was as close as she was. It is such a weird feeling to have no idea what happened and be left to accept it. Great post.
Trish
http://www.thetrishlist.com
Beautifully said, Ruth. It's not easy, but we do need to show them grace. Thanks to you and Edie for this reminder!
Beautifully written. I've struggled with this as well and have often wondered how a girlfriend could wound me so deeply. I think it's because our relationships with other women are so deep and complex. There are so many layers and nuances which simply don't exist in our relationships with men. We let them into our deepest thoughts and insecurities so it feels like that much more of a betrayal when something goes awry. Good for you for how you handled it. I don't know that I could have done the same.
Exactly. I went through the same thing and it has taken me years to move on. I'm still not 100% there but I'm on my way. I just couldn't understand how another woman could upset me for so long and so much. But you've really hit the nail on the head. We had a very deep emotional connection and I trusted her with my innermost insecurities and thoughts.
sometimes grace and unconditional love is letting go of someone. If they are not wanting to respect your healthy boundaries than it is time to let them go. We wouldn't want to put up with physical abuse so why put up with emotional abuse? Why cheat yourself? there are many other people out there that would appreciate your friendship more. It isn't helping you or the other person and turns into a unhealthy relationship. If we don't treat ourselves with love and respect than how can we treat anyone else that way? We need to speak our truth and stand by it no one else is going to do it for us. Based on the law of attraction you are going to keep on getting those kind of friendships if you don't ask for better ones and let the toxic ones go. That is what we are here for speak our truth and be open and authentic. Too many people in the world to drain your energy on something that the other person clearly doesn't want and neither do you. I have had to do this myself. I am a recovering people pleaser which from a biblical stand point is not biblical at all. Yahshua didn't try to people please anyone. He spoke his truth and shook the dust off his feet when they didn't want to perceive it.
Completely agree!!!
This was the perfect post for me today as I have been going through this with my best friend from middle school. And we are now in our 50s! I just had to keep telling myself that it was nothing I did (since I wracked my brain about what I could have done to upset her), and that it must be something she is going through, even though I have asked and asked -- and also didn't get any text or email replies back from her. I have the book Unglued and now I can't wait to read it. It's nice to know that it's not just me and that women of all ages go through the same struggles.
This is a theme I keep seeing popping up on blogs I follow and I don't think I would have noticed if it wasn't something I've been experiencing and thinking a lot about for the last year. This is a great reminder to not see the friend as a relationship goal or a problem to be fixed but as a person, loved by God and going through something on their own. Grace is the only way we can approach them because we know we can't fix people or force them to do anything. Oh, beautiful grace, it never fails.
I forgave the guy friend I had that let me down but we never went back to being friends I never spoke to him so I guess nothing happened that the article suggested but one good thing happened I got a brand new guy friend that's ten times better then the one I never spoke to again I'm better off without Dominic to be honest then advice in this article doesn't always work well not if you haven't hardly spoken to the person I'm just not that interested in talking to this guy ever again I'm better off being here by myself I'm taking care of myself now and I'm happier and more confident then I ever was when I was friends with Dominic and I started eating better exercising more and eating less as well because I'm no longer depressed I don't need to give Dominic grace because I no longer speak to him I'm not his friend anymore I kinda cut him off completely a year ago it's much better this way
Thank you for this. I'm actually going through the same thing with my only (and younger) sister. It's and heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. I'm trying to give her grace and forgive her, but it's so hard when I keep getting hurt over and over. BTW, I'm 38, so I know what you mean by thinking we should be over this by now.
My best friend just got engaged and never told me I heard it from someone else
But t I texted her and said is there anything you have to tell me. Then she tells whats that about
Thought we were besties0
Hi - feel your sadness. I have learned that there is an ebb and flow to friendships sometimes. They aren't always strong. Sometimes a strong one will weaken and then return to you. Sometimes, it won't. I don't understand it either. I finally told a friend that I was no longer exchanging e-mails. Hers had gotten shorter and very superficial in the last 2 years and did I say infrequent? It freed me from looking for her e-mails and being so disappointed. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. I hope she will come back some day, but it may not happen...sad but true
How can she come back if you pushed her out . She can't come back to being unwanted. If she's pleasing you. Only then how would she know you don't respond? Maybe tell her what pleases you and she can decide if she's able to give what you want.
When my one and only little sister was treated for ovarian cancer, she had a close group of friends that she preferred over me for support. It hurt me down to my toenails and I can't tell you how much anger I had to choke down on the fewer times I got to see her. But before she died, she changed her Facebook profile to a picture of us together in happier days. I realize now her beautiful friends were an amazing blessing for her last days & comfort, and I know she loved me for allowing her that gift in the end. But I hope you and your sister can read this and insist on a monthly pure fun time together, & take turns figuring out what that is! My prayers from my family to yours. ❤️
I'll pray for you as I think it's especially hard with a sibling. I'm right there.....
Since grammar school (I'm now nearly 37 as well) I have always seemed to attract "friends" that are users. I would always be there for them. Always be their shoulder. Always lend them money (that would never be returned). Always give and give and give. The,n when I would need them most, they would desert me. Or they would call me and tell me their problems for an hour and never even utter the words "how are you?" before ending the call.
This was particularly painful about two years ago when the one person that I still called friend began to call me, email me and text me about the problems she was having in her marriage. She had been married less than a year to a guy she knew in high school but had only been talking to about 6 mos before they married. A guy that in those six months, she had already seen go to rehab twice for alcohol abuse. She would sit there for hours complaining about something that she knowingly entered into and then had an excuse for every answer or help I tried to give. At this same time my 5 yo had just started kindergarten and was struggling. We were taking her to doctors and getting her tested. We had gotten an ADHD diagnosis and were trying to work with the teacher and school with very little luck. We were upset, frustrated and scared for our little girl. Through all these calls she never asked how I was. Or how my husband or daughters were doing. And the moment she would run out of breath, she would be in a rush to hang up. So I admit, I became a little passive aggressive and stopped responding to her. Now I don't really put my trust or faith in anyone else. I'm just not willing to sacrifice what little free time I have, to give to people that won't appreciate it and can't reciprocate. it may be a little lonely, but it's a lot less heartbreaking.
MomofTwoPreciousGirls I totally agree. I have had a similar event happen and I agree with you.... it may be lonely but its A LOT LESS HEARTBREAKING. Im tired of getting my feelings hurt and heart broken.
I also draw needy people and learned to identify the type and not allow myself into being their rescuer Some people are just users and suck people dry emotionally and then move on taking no steps to grow in their relationship with God opting instead to use people as their emotional pain killers. I’m responsible for being kind but not required to allow those people to invade my emotions or waste my time. It’s okay to be candid with such people and move on. I’m not God and we get in his way if we allow. Learn to be alone. Best to have no close friends than unhealthy ones. The fact is you’ll only have one or two close friends in your life.
Well put! I am not hear to be a door mat. In wish everyone well but this person showed her true colors in her words because she was silent, in her actions because she never responded and her patterns because she has a track record of dismissing.
This person did not need to return for one more kick in the butt and disguise it as grace. A friendship is reciprocal but to each their own.
*here and excuse any other typos
I know how you feel. A friend I have had for years and years is just fading away but says nothing is wrong. I am sorry for your pain and mine!
Hi Mom of Two Precious Girls! I've been in your shoes! A friend recommended a Christian book to me called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and it's fantastic. I think this topic can be confusing because while we all need to give grace and forgiveness, that doesn't mean we should repeatedly have to be subjected to destructive emotional behavior from a "friend". God called to forgive, but we are not called or created to be doormats. When people didn't want to listen to Jesus and what He was teaching, He "shook the dust off His feet" and moved on. When a "friend" has proven that she is just using you, it is beneficial to both you and her to end the friendship. Two things result from this. The first is that you are freed from emotional abuse/misuse of precious time that is being taken away from your own family, and the second is that if forces the "friend" to examine her behavior, and ask God to help her and take real action steps, instead of just venting her garbage onto you and dragging you down. It protects your heart and God does call us to "guard your heart" so that you are not burdened and your family is not dragged down as a result of the burden on you. I hope this helps! Read "Boundaries", I highly recommend it!!! :)
Beautifully said. I think the book Unglued really help me to understand this whole dynamic. I know I may not always come across as loving or supportive, even when I mean to. Sometimes I just don't know what to do as a friend. The book really helped me just let things go and accept my friends as the humans they are. It doesn't necessarily make it easier, but it does humble me and reminds me I am in need of just as much (if not more) grace!
Can you tell me about this book Unglued? Who's the author? Probably something I need to read!
Yes I know what to do I only had this happen once the guy let me down because of his stupid girlfriend needless to say I'm not his friend anymore it's good to ditch any friend that lets you down I'm super particular about my friendships
Beautifully Written Article and Meaningful Advice to Put into Practice.... GOD Faith Hope Unconditional Love ✌Always...
I disagree a bit. I think it's foolish trying to start drama over ungrateful people. Also it's ok overgrowing friends, which it seems is what happened with your friends from your text. Life and priorities change and so friendships.
But giving "grace" to ungrateful , inconsiderate people is not nice. Talk to them like adults that it hurts, if they don't change or don't care, move on and treat them as acquitances. If they turned bad people simply cut people like them from life. Humiliating for toxic friends won't make anyone feel better and will perpetuate toxic behaviour.
Lysa Terkeurst...she is an excellent author and speaker. The book was released in 2012. So it is available online for as little as 5.87 used. New is $16.99. It is in paperback. Publisher is Zondervan. May be available through your Public Library.
It is by Lisa Terkeurst. I love all her books!
My best friend just got engaged and never told me I heard it from someone else
But t I texted her and said is there anything you have to tell me. Then she tells whats that about
Thought we were besties
Beautifully Written Article with Meaningful Advice to Put into practice... GOD Faith Hope Unconditional Love ✌ Always...