There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
Other helpful posts:
- How to Set Better Boundaries with Your Friends
- Cultivate Meaningful Friendships
- Are You a Runner or a Fighter? (How to Stand Up for Yourself When it Counts)
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When Your Friends Let You Down, what do you do? How can you recover from the disappointment? First, understand that people let you down. Even your closest friends may disappoint you sometimes. When your friend lets you down, it’s vital to extend grace. This doesn’t mean retelling the story to your friends or acting like a victim. Instead, try to forgive your friend and move on. This will help you move forward.
Secondly, learn to forgive your friends. It can be very painful to lose a friend and to deal with the aftermath. Forgive yourself for not expecting the same things from your friends. Next, learn to accept that your friendship is not perfect, and you can’t expect your friends to be the same. This way, you can move on. However, you must realize that you can’t always expect your friends to be dependable.
After all, if you have been hurt by a friend, it’s natural to be resentful. After all, you don’t expect all of your friends to be the same. Despite your anger and disappointment, don’t get upset and move on. Remember that you can’t expect your friends to be perfect all the time. Be patient and understanding. And don’t forget that you’re not alone in your experience.
What do you do when you love your friend so much, appreciate everything she has done and I’m so proud of her for all she has accomplished these last few years. I tell her all the time. Recently she allowed me to come stay with her for a few months as I am homeless at the time. We are a lot alike but we definitely have our different views and opinions on certain subjects. I’m 43 and lost my mom at 15 and dad at 25. Im a single mother to 3 amazing boys, whom are the very purpose of my existence. My heart is so big and I love to see the good in everyone. I want peace and happiness in life. Ira shirt and I’ve already been through trauma and health scares, so truly want to be happy and laugh a lot!! I’m a perfectionist and a big ball of emotions. High anxiety but that does not affect my relationships with my close friends and family. The last few years we have been pit in situations where she was my superior and now I’m living under her roof. She has a bad habit of putting me down and talking down to me. I have tried to have conversations with her numerous times she will either excuse how I feel or say she doesn’t want to talk. Very insensitive and doesn’t seem to care about how others are being affected by her “I’ll do whatever the heck I want” attitude. She says it often and truly acts like she is invincible. She seems to treat me worse than strangers off the street or some of her clients she just met. She has literally cussed me out and then will walk away so I can’t say anything. She has to have the last word she has apologized numerous times for her behaviour but she broke my heart yesterday and went too far with her dramatic selfish careless behaviour I’m at a loss of emotions and words at this. Ill never understand how people can mistreat and talk down to others the way they do without any regard as to how they’re making somebody feel. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
Michelle
I’m so sorry that you are going through this Michelle. It sounds like you might need to have a heart to heart with this friend and explain how she has hurt you It does not mean that you do not appreciate her and what she has done for you and your boys but you would like to be treated with respect. You might also want to look into counseling help. Some states have services free of charge. Be sure to take some time for yourself.
I have been reading posts regarding this topic and this post is one of the most interesting and informative one I have read. Thank you for this!
What exactly does it mean to show grace?
When we show grace to others, it’s about showing kindness to someone else even when they don’t deserve it.
I’m sorry that you went through that. Sometimes a friendship is just over for reasons that we’ll never understand, and we can’t go back to where it was. People simply change. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Often it’s better to move on and seek new friends.
I suppose I should do the same.
My friends (and family) have never been there for me. They weren’t supportive when I was ill or when I suffered great loss, and they certainly haven’t been supportive of my dreams. Since 2005, I’ve ran a successful online business where I sell my artwork. None of them express interest. I also had a novel published in 2012, and they all ignored it. I can’t tell you how crushed I was. Until recently, I abandoned editing the other three rough drafts in the series.
None of them ever say anything about my creative endeavors as if the whole concept doesn’t exist or is invisible to them. Quite frankly, I just find that strange.
I always encourage others who are seeking a dream and putting themselves out there.
I’m sorry BB that you have had such painful relationships with your family and friends. Praying you can find people who appreciate your creative work and support you. 🙂
I have had many, bad horrible “friends”. I’m a magnet for narcissists. No one can beat Pansy.
The only reason I really think we were ever friends in the first place was because I adored her father and grandmother, as they did me. Became friends in third grade. She just !oved to do mean shit. She actually called my family in seventh grade to tell them I had won an award at the school. My dad took the day off and got my sister to go with him. There was no such thing. I was humiliated! Later, in high school we had won a big basketball game. The crowd driving were exchanging stuff from car to car. Our turn, I jumped out go grab the flag, as I turned to get back into car, she took off and drug me down the street. In front of my classmates! I have never gone to a high school reunion because im terrified she would do something to me (Pour a drink on me, trip me) Many more examples I could give. Finally, at the age of 30 I stopped talking to her completely. Just said no more.
Then at 48, her father died. I loved him. So I went to the funeral. She acted like she couldn’t remember me. Her husband scolded her for acting so stupid. He welcomed me. What I did not know at the moment was, that her father just died, her mother had dementia and her husband was leaving her for another woman. Looking back I realized this was her Karma. But at the time I felt bad for her.
She started begging me to take care of her mom for her. She lived 400 mikes away. I have my own family!! Anyway she sticks mom in nursing home. She dies. She sells her house for peanuts. Now there is no where for her to come and stay when she wants to visit. Except my house. Nope nada my husband after second time said never again.
Fast forward to age 55. Her daughter hates her guts. Blocks her. Will not speak do her. In turn, Pansy will tell anyone who will listen that her daughter is a whore and drug addict that has mental issues. Her daughter is a special needs teacher with two masters!
Anyway, Last year Pansy was very blue about her upcoming birthday. Very few care for Pansy. She was gonna be alone! So, I drove down to see her. It took me about 5 hours. I took her …a homemade chocolate cake, a homemade wreath for her front door…BBQ…coneydog sauce..a box of chocolate.. All from our hometown and different girly things. I tried my darndest to make that a wonderful birthday.
The first night I was there…she actually took out citronella candles and put them directly in front of me. I told her that would make me sick. She thought that was funny. Second afternoon, she acted like a spoiled child. We went to this beautiful park by the Ohio River, another man was standing near us just chatting with me. When she informed him we were not there to talk to him. I was humiliated! I apologized and asked what the HELL was wrong with her? But that evening back at her house, while sitting outside, she pulls out a can of Lysol and sprays me and says she smells something funky!! I’m 55 years old! I took a shower that morning! I’m very clean and nicely taken care of! She ate the flipping cake I baked her!! I was so upset I wanted to shove that can down her throat. But I just went to bed. Knowing I was leaving as soon as my eyes opened.
I had finally realized how incredibly jealous she was of me. I had A husband that adores me. A son that loves me and buys me cool things! And many girlfriends who like hanging out with me. She has no one.
The following weekend she drove up, for a relatives wedding. When I asked her if she was going to stop by my home? She did not have the time. And it was not about me!!!
I have not spoken to her in a year! I blocked her from everything. I was done years ago. Then I felt sorry for her. Now I feel she deserves everything she gets. Oh I forgot, she adopted three different animals and ended up taking them to different shelters thinking it was funny.
I do know she is evil inside. I know exactly why her husband left her. And I know why she will never have a relationship with her daughter. She was evil toward her grandmother. Her mother allowed it. She stuck her mother in a nursing home. Now its her daughters turn. Sad
So sorry for all the pain that the relationship with Pansy has caused you.
Dear Lona
Your ‘friend’ is not evil. She probably is suffering from a neurological disorder called Narcissist Syndrome. Google it and I’m sure that the pieces will fit. My mum suffered from this syndrome and of course I’m attracted to people with the same traits. We do this to try and salve deep problems. But it’s a pointless and hurtful exercise.
I have been hurt in a similar way and my heart goes out to you.
Believe me, you do not need friends like this, however much you love them they are incapable of truly loving you. They are damaged. Love them and support them, if you want but never expect the same thing to be returned as it will not happen. They are incapable of supporting a ‘friend’ in need as they often believe that it reflects badly on them. They need to shine and will do anything to achieve this, including trashing their friends.
It’s best to try and move on and find new friends who appreciate you for the special being that you are.
I’ve had narcissistic friendships in the past, and they truly are a handful. I wonder, after everything you saw in her, why you would continue to offer your time and care for this woman, being shocked and ‘humiliated’ by behaviour that is her norm. I’m glad you finally aren’t responding to her and I hope you can continue to go ‘grey rock’ with this woman.