There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
Other helpful posts:
- How to Set Better Boundaries with Your Friends
- Cultivate Meaningful Friendships
- Are You a Runner or a Fighter? (How to Stand Up for Yourself When it Counts)
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I had a guy friend named Dominic they had let me down more then one time like a lot of times the final straw was when he made time for his girlfriend but not me that was the last straw I had to end the friendship and I’m proud of myself I have not spoken to him in a year and a half I forgave him but never talked to him again there’s nothing left to say I did point him to the yard when his dog got loose but nothing after that his issues are his own to handle now
My friend of 30 years has always been pretty self-absorbed. 99% of our conversations are about her. Even when I talk, it always gets back to her. I have learned to love her where she is. She is very giving when she wants to be – loves to give you food she made, etc. I am always there if she needs me. I show up within 10 minutes if she needs me, take care of her house, etc. I don’t resent or regret it. That is what friends do. She is usually the one who suggests something to do and I will often say yes. She rarely says yes when I ask her to do things, so I just stopped. Again, loving her where she is. Well, she had a rough year so a few months ago I asked her friend from college to come up here for a few days to help cheer her. She agreed and we arranged it. I asked if one night could be a girls night and have dinner, game and a movie. So I told my friend about all of these surprises so she could prepare. We planned the girls night for the night of her birthday. She is not a fan of birthdays so it was more just to have a positive gathering. Unfortunately, my 19 year old cat got suddenly ill and it looked like we would need to put him to sleep on her birthday. I said I wasn’t sure how I would be doing so if I wasn’t up to it on Monday, could we do it on Tuesday? I cleaned my house, bought steaks and got everything ready. She suddenly says that she no longer wants to do anything on Monday. So I asked about Tuesday. I said celebrating her would be a nice distraction and a nice night. She then went radio silent only to send me a terse note on the day my precious cat died saying that she would have the gathering at her house with the food she makes doing the activities of her choice and that was that. I reminded her I had been planning this for months, shopped, cleaned and that I didn’t understand. She said I was guilt tripping her and making it all about me. Long story short, I told her to just go ahead and do what she wants with the friend who came to see her and happy birthday. No response. She hurt me terribly on one of my saddest days. She was so selfish. I cannot see getting past this and I am pretty sure she sees nothing wrong with her words or actions. My heart is literally breaking for two things at the same time.
So sorry for the loss of your fur baby. Also praying that your heart heals from this hurt.
I have a friend who lets me down ….often …but what I have come to know about her is I think she has some form of mental illness which makes it impossible for her to take ANY responsibility for her actions. Perhaps borderline personality disorder or narcissism.
I ‘ve learned not to let her get to me..I won’t get angry or pout but will tell her when she has disappointed me…right when the situation happens. I feel you have to speak truth. If I did those things to her I would hear it in a very dramatic and diva-like way …believe me.
Will she change ? No….Could the friendship be better? Yes…but it’s a 2 way street. I’ve learned to distance myself from her and her odd ways. I’m older and wiser and life is too short to carry hurt..because it ends up hurting YOU.
So true Pati, thanks for sharing. 🙂
But isn’t giving grace and helping the other person all the time without getting anything in return or jut getting disappointment leads to just being used? Isn’t there a limit? I feel like I’ve been giving and giving grace for a couple of years without much return and now I feel like it has to stop as it is too one-sided.
It sounds like you might need to have a heart to heart with your friend and explain how you are feeling. If after that things don’t change you can continue to give grace but don’t have to be used. Sometimes loving toxic people needs to be done within boundaries to protect yourself.
Thanks. I actually had this conversation (via phone) where I told how I feel about our relationship. The reaction was that she knows how she behaves at times and also “approved” my problems when I came up with some concrete examples. Later that week I asked whether we could meet sometime and had planned a day to meet. (we haven’t met this year yet) That was declined by her at last saying she had some tasks to do and also had some housework to do… We haven’t talked since, it was 3 weeks ago.
I’m so sorry to hear that Imre.
I can totally relate to this. My friend has some kind of a mental illness. She feels like she’s always the victim in most of her circumstances. I’ve kept reminding myself that it is not my role to fix her but I have always encouraged her to get help. She hasn’t gotten any professional help up until this point. She claims that she is well aware of her mental issues and she feels that she can manage it on her own. Lately, I started to feel more frustrated with her life decisions. I don’t feel like dealing with all her dramas anymore. Now, I find myself responding to her messages a lot less. I have been distancing myself. I’m pretty sure that she is starting to notice it. I have been fighting with my urge to speak up but I don’t want to interfere with her life decisions. She knew what she needed to do for her mental health. She knew what she wanted to do for herself to get better but keeps on losing her focus.
I recently have been let down. I have a friend that we have been close to for years. She has always wanted the same things as me. I just recently started back to school in January to achieve my bachelor’s degree, which is something she has been wanting to do also. When I would talk about school she would give me no feedback or encouragement. That concerned me, so I just didn’t mention how I was doing in college anymore. However, I had been wanting to go on a girl’s trip. We had talked about planning a trip together. We were both excited to plan a trip together or so it seemed. Then I found out she has planned a trip with a co-worker and not me. And I did not get an invite. How Am I supposed to feel? I am hurt. I just don’t understand why she did would not invite me when we had talked about going on a trip together. We go on a trip every year for the past 10 years. Is she jealous of me? I would hate to think that she is. But what would explain her behavior?
I’m so sorry you are feeling hurt my your friends actions. My advice would be to call her and set up a time to chat. Then be honest and let her know that your feelings were hurt. Tell her how much your relationship means to you and that you would still love to plan a girls weekend with her. Praying for you and your friendship.