There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
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It takes years to learn about someone, and trust is an on-going gift that has to be earned. Let that friend go and don't look back. Who knows, she may be jealous of you for some reason, whatever, it doesn't matter. She's NOT, repeat, NOT your friend. Gift her what she's giving you - avoidance. Love and respect yourself enough to say GOOD-BYE in your mind and don't ask why. Life is too short. I've found if you have one friend that you can totally trust-not in competition with you or other issues, you're lucky.
Let it go and move on.
Hi Ruth,
Thank you so much for writing this post. The same thing happened to me a couple of years ago- right down to my friend laughing it off when I asked her what was wrong. Intellectually I know that this kind of stuff doesn't just happen to me, but emotionally I was asking myself: "Why me? What I do wrong? Do I somehow deserve this?" Though I am certainly sorry this happened to you, your post gives me great comfort because if it happened to you- who I see as a kind, thoughtful and caring person- it can happen to anybody, and it isn't because of anything you, me, or anyone else who finds themselves in this unfortunate situation did wrong.
My first thought when I finally realized my friend was, well, no longer my friend, was “She didn't care enough about me to tell me what I did and talk it through with me." And that certainly might be the case. But as I wrote this, another thought popped into my head… what if what she was feeling about me was negative, but doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’ve said or done- like jealously, or envy- that she can’t talk to me about because then she would have to admit to me (and to herself) that she is feeling things that “good” friends don’t feel about each other?
Now, I don’t have a life that I think anyone would be jealous or envious over- I’m just a regular ol’ person just like everyone else. The only thing I can think of in my sitch that may have caused jealousy on her part was I was able to walk away from the toxic work environment we both worked in and she wanted to do the same but she felt she couldn’t. But, I never rubbed that or anything else in her face… I always try to keep myself humble. But because of all that, if she is feeling the way I think she might be, it might be all the more harder on her that not only did I not rub anything in her face, I cared enough about her to say something when I noticed she was drifting away. If I hadn’t, it may have helped her justify in her mind the way she was feeling about me.
Now, I know all of this is a whole lot of speculation on my part about my friend, and I have no idea if any of this applies to the sitch with your friend. But, given the information I do have, it is a plausible explanation of what could have happened between us, so I wanted to share it with you in the hopes it might give you some insight of what happened between you and your friend.
Again, I am so sorry that this happened to you… no matter what the reason is, it is still agonizing to lose a friend who was so very close at one time. Approaching it with grace is a very positive and loving way to handle it, for her but more importantly for yourself, and your decision to do so shows a lot of strength and maturity on your part.
Sorry this got so long! I hope this has helped in some way.
All the best!
Michelle @ The Painted Hinge
What is grace and how do you give it?
Grace is undeserved kindness from God that he showed to us by giving us his Son. So I guess it would be underserved kindness we would have to show unto others as well.
I sat reading this, basically friendless. I have 2 friends who live over an hour away that we chat on FB or text if the need arises, but other than that, I don't have any close mommy friends where I live. It hit home reading about your experience because I had a friend a few years ago that we went through a lot together texting/calling, etc. Until she started pulling away, and I was still texting and calling and she wasn't responding.
Now, we don't talk at all.
But I realized, that she was there in my life for a season.
And in being friends with her I learned a lot about myself and saw how I want a true friend to treat me.
I am currently awaiting God to send me a new friend (or even better, friends) into my life, but until then, Grace is a good thing to practice!
Great post!
This has happened to me as well over the last several years but it was two best friends whom were also twins and at the same time but for different reasons. 35 year old friendships. I made my attempts at reconciliation to them both but it honestly is never going to be the same. I had to give it to God. It was keeping me confused and upset. I was trying to handle it myself and we know that never works. I needed Him to handle this and he has. Since I gave it to him a couple months ago, I have felt peace with what he has decided.
Ruth, my heart goes out to you. I have been there! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this truth with us today.
This post was so comforting to me because for the longest time, I thought I was the only one this was happening to! Really good friends would all the sudden "disappear" and I had no idea what happened! I am 43, and just last year, I spent two days crying because of how a friend hurt me. I have searched and wondered why friends seem to get really close, then suddenly start ignoring me. I have evaluated my life and my soul and come up with no good answers. All I can conclude is that they were in my life for a short time for a reason, but God always allows me to have the exact right people in my life when I need them or when they need me. Now when this happens (friends disappear) I am not surprised or upset. I just accept that it is time for me to meet other friends, or just appreciate more the ones I have.
That was a large pill to swallow! But such an amazing testimony. One thing that all women worry about, but most do not discuss, is the value of friendship. We all are consumed with our husbands, and children, and jobs, etc. Sometimes you just need a good friend to understand that throughout it all we are still here for each other, and we love each other all the same. I feel bad that your friend didn't give you the same respect that you would usually give her. It is so hard to be vulnerable by extending yourself despite your feelings and better judgement, and just to be burned at the end. Thankfully you were able to see the brighter side of things and share your story with many women who needed to hear it...LIKE ME!
Female friendships are so tough to navigate. I am 34 but recently reminded that there are still mean girls in the lunchroom. I would love to say that if given the opportunity to pour grace on them, I would take it, but actually, I am almost certain I would not. This has been the hardest truth for me to realize, that I'm not as loving as I really do wish to be. Maybe that's why it all has happened, so that God could show me a huge area of woundedness in desperate need of healing. I hate to think it had to have gone to such great and painful lengths, but it's a lesson worth learning, no matter the cost. But it's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes we think we are the only ones that still have these things happen to us, but it's so not true.
Just a different thought. Sometimes A friend pulls away because she loves you. In my case, my friend's husband was making inappropriate comments, stopping by alone without notice, and making me feel scared and uncomfortable. I pulled away from the friendship, because ithere was no way to explain that " I just had a bad gut feeling". There was no way to still see her and not him. I still feel sad I hurt her.
The most loving thing would be to tell your friend how her husband is behaving so that she does not blindly go through life without knowing that he is actually a sleaze bag. Why would you want your friend to be with a guy who acts this way? This is more than a "bad feeling", you have concrete examples of inappropriate behaviour. Being a good friend involves being honest, even when it is uncomfortable.
I did this FOR my friend. I was thrown out with the bath wzter. Of course she defended her husband. What else could she do at the time. Of course, years down the road she was ready to face the truth with 2 babies in tow. Have tied to reconnect to support her ;but no go. Yes, I miss her very much. I pray for her.
Agree wholeheartedly with Penny. Absolutely tell your friend about her husband's behavior.