There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
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I recently have been let down. I have a friend that we have been close to for years. She has always wanted the same things as me. I just recently started back to school in January to achieve my bachelor's degree, which is something she has been wanting to do also. When I would talk about school she would give me no feedback or encouragement. That concerned me, so I just didn't mention how I was doing in college anymore. However, I had been wanting to go on a girl's trip. We had talked about planning a trip together. We were both excited to plan a trip together or so it seemed. Then I found out she has planned a trip with a co-worker and not me. And I did not get an invite. How Am I supposed to feel? I am hurt. I just don't understand why she did would not invite me when we had talked about going on a trip together. We go on a trip every year for the past 10 years. Is she jealous of me? I would hate to think that she is. But what would explain her behavior?
I'm so sorry you are feeling hurt my your friends actions. My advice would be to call her and set up a time to chat. Then be honest and let her know that your feelings were hurt. Tell her how much your relationship means to you and that you would still love to plan a girls weekend with her. Praying for you and your friendship.
you were my friend but you just treat me like garbage i dont even want to look at you get out of my life now
I had a close group of friends from school days. People that I had shared life moments with into adulthood. Over the last decade I have gone through a few big changes, none of which these friends knew anything about because the last I spoke to any of them was before the first of the occurrences. Dramatic things that your "closest" friends would be there for you during. Yet during those times I became hard to find, withdrawing from the world I suppose because of what I was going through. I removed myself from any online presence and changed my phone number, however all of these people were also acquainted with others in my family and had they wanted to seek me out, It wouldn't have been that difficult to find me. My email hasn't changed and they know where I live. My point - I'm not mad or angry at anyone. But I was most recently in a situation to which I found myself nightly combing thru contacts in my phone for someone that I could call for help. For months I was in this situation and had reconciled with the idea that I if I did not find help, I would surely wind up in a trunk dead. Yet still did not feel comfortable enough to call any single one of my so called friends. I remember nights staring at certain names imagining the phone call to that person. And crying as I decided at each one, like the last, that I didn't want to call them. Obviously, i'm alive and thank god got myself out of that nightmare but the memory of it is still very vivid. The thought now of continuing on with those friendships, like it didn't rip my heart out that I didn't feel like I could call them. I can't do that. I don't want to. It stings.. They were like family at one point. No longer. I have recently started going online again and a couple of them have sent friend requests. I delete them. Am I wrong to feel I need to move on? What should I say if any of them do decide to pay me a visit one day? I'm not angry, and I don't want to appear that I am, but I also don't want to act like everything is fine when it's not.
I'm so sorry that you have been struggling with your friendships. It can be difficult to make and keep friends as an adult. It sounds like you would like to make new friendships and I think that is a great idea. Be sure to check out this post that has some really great tips.https://www.livingwellspendingless.com/how-to-make-friends-as-a-grownup-7-ideas-for-expanding-your-social-circle/
I have a very close friend,her name is also Julie. The one thing that bothers me is she doesnt call me and i seem to call her. Last year hJule ans her husband helped me move. We use ti hang out a few times. Well last april i had a bowel obstruction,and she drove me to the urgent care,then took me to the emergengy room,both of my daughters cam. I was off work fora week. Then I had hernia surgery and she came to visit me and bought me stuff. Well over i week ago we were suppose to get together, and i mentioned to her ,fred and are were throwing a party for my older daughter,she recieved her masters degree and the party was that weekend. Well i said i couldnr go out,becuae of getting stuff for the part. Well my friend went off on me and said for all the stuff i did for you i must be stupid,i came to see you at the hospital, told you about something else. I couldnt believe she was telling me these things. I called her up later and she said to me i shouldnt have said anything.I sent her a nice card and explained what was goong on in my liufe adn asked her to call.I havent heard from her. What should I do??
Hi Julie
I'm so sorry that your friend hasn't reached out to you. I would suggest you continue to reach out and pray for your friend and your friendship.
I’ve come to the realization that you only know your true friends when you’re down. I’m so disappointed at this one friend who’s been to my place multiple times, has met my other friends, my husband & bonus daughter & I worked with her & used to go to places with her all the time. I had an accident this summer & had surgery, she has not been there for me. She has not even checked on me. & although I’m recovering & had a great support from others (thank God), I’m still shocked that she has not had an ounce of common sense to even reach out or come & see me. Grace is good if it’s the regular stuff (like flaking or always being the planner etc) but if you are truly down, had a hospitalization, surgery & long therapy...if your “friend” is not there for you...believe her & let go of that friendship. I would have jumped hoops for her if she was in the same situation but I’m glad that this accident was an eye opener to know who my true friends are. I’m so disappointed & sad & although my husband suggested showing grace & still reaching out to her, my heart is not in it anymore. Imagine being in a bad relationship & staying for the sake of grace...does it ever work out in the end? Or do you just end up burning your candle at both ends? ....Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a season & that’s ok
Diana-
I'm so sorry that you some health issues this past year. Praying that you are on the road to recovery. Regarding your friend, maybe she is also going through something that you don't know about. This pandemic has affected a lot of people differently and has caused much stress and strain on friendships. I agree with your husband and maybe send her a note. Let her know that you miss her and hope she is doing well. Then suggest you get together for lunch or coffee if possible and leave the "ball" in her court.
I was just praying about this situation asking for direction. This really helped me in the respect of knowing that I am not crazy and I'm not the only one that has experienced this situation. I have a group of friends and each of them were my friends before they knew each other. I introduced them to each other. And now one of them has done things (in covert ways that it's hard to put your finger on without sounding crazy), to separate the group into being just her friends. I don't mind that they do things with each other without me once in awhile, but there have been more times than not when she tries to cut me out totally. One friend used to tell me I was being too sensitive, but after one incident where she saw firsthand, she finally recognized that it does happen. The one friend would even try to take over and organize things that I initiated. And did not like it if I happen to ask if I could I go along once in awhile. But she never hesitated to invite herself along when I would do something with the girl that was my friend first. It sounds so childish of me I'm just tired of her backstabbing me. So many little things: if she wanted to change something in an event that I was planning, she would go to the other girls and ask basically for their support and then she would come to me and say everybody thinks blah blah blah. When in reality it was just her. I even called her on the carpet one time and said who, who else thinks this. If I am being accused of something, I have the right to know who. She's finally admitted 'well it was just me', I can't really cut her out of my life like I normally would because now that group of friends that I introduced her to would think I was being selfish. And the worst part is this one that keeps backstabbing me is the one out of the group where we used to be the closest. And even still why do I wish and pray that she would b my best friend again? I know if she wasn't friends with my group it would be easier to walk away. Until then I can't seem to purge myself of this resentment and jealousy. I still love them all and we have really good times together. It comes and goes. It's very very hard. One ray of hope is that she recently encountered a bad situation and has turned to counseling and has realized she was too controlling and it was damaging her relationships with everyone, not just me. I am not happy that any of my friends are going through tough times, I am still there for them and I have continued to be there for her. But once bitten twice shy and I walk on eggshells because I'm afraid of it happening again. I pray that this sensitivity will go away and that I can trust her again.
I’m surprised that ‘finding grace’ works for anyone. I had a best friend who in the past year would cancel get togethers at the last minute (literally my keys are in my hand) and would have the lamest excuses. I ran into her on an outing with another woman after she dismissed me a few days prior. At that point I more or less wrote her off but it wasn’t completely a write off at that point. I let her talk about herself in text messages, etc. And remained supportive. When she handled a job I did for her (free of charge to help her out with a Christmas gift), dismissively and with callousness to some extent, I sent a detailed email stating how I felt and how horribly wrong it unfolded. She had the chance to apologize but didn’t. I removed all social media contact from her and never spoke to her again. Eliminating toxic people is a must.
This post really hit home for me. I have had this exact thing happen to me. Over the past year I have had a "best friend" do numerous things that hurt me deeply. I started dating this great guy and she was jealous and started taking it out on me by doing ugly things that hurt. Any time I tried to calmly talk to her about it she basically had a "get over it" attitude and HAS NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE. Finally I found out she was gossiping and bad mouthing me to another friend of ours and that was just it for me. I cut all communication off with her... and you know what? for almost a year I didn't hear a word for her. Never reached out to me period. She didn't even know why I was so upset with her UNTIL I reached out to her months later. I explained myself and told her why I was so upset; Why I stopped talking to her; I mentioned that I found out she was talking ugly about me; I explained to her all I've wanted to do was fix our relationship. Her reply back was "the only thing I am sorry for is not being good w talking about feelings." and she said a few other things basically again telling me to get over it and to stop calling her a bad friend... but she is being one. If I ever do anything wrong I like to be told so I can fix it... I was just so hurt and shocked by how she was acting. She cut me years before this because her bf tried getting w me and I told her. She felt threatened I guess and just ignored me for a year. A year later she reached out and said she missed me.. and we became even stronger than before... years later this happens. I jst sent her this nice email basically telling her im sorry for how things have turned out and telling her I wish things were different and that I wish her the best.... I don't expect a response back . That message was FOR ME. I needed closure and I got it. sorry for this long response. I appreciate everyones comments. Happy New Year!
Wow this helped so much. My husband and I are going through the same thing with another couple that we have been hanging out with for the past couple of years. We all became really close, always texting and calling each other, going places, and our daughters play a travel sport together so we spent every other weekend with them at tournaments. A couple of weeks ago our daughters left that sports team and now this couple has seemed to have moved on and no longer call us or text us. The few times they have they reached out they acted very fake. Seemed to be digging more for gossip than wanting to know how we were doing or invite us to do something. We have lots of other acquaintances but nobody else that we hang out with. This has been very hard to deal with. The other couple is constantly posting pictures on Facebook of them doing things with all these other people. Meanwhile we have been kicked to the curb like losers and we have no idea what we have done.
I can relate to you guys. I lost a friendship yesterday. For me she’s not only a friend but I treated her as my sister in Christ. We are both Christians and we did Bible study everyday. When she became my friend, I thought God answered my prayer to have someone who will be with me in my spiritual walk. Also, I treated this friendship as calling from the Lord to help her in her walk with God and to pray for her family. But two weeks ago, she suddenly changed. She has change in the way she treated me. Giving me cold shoulder and silent treatment. She’s not answering my messages and I felt the awkwardness everytime we’re together. She’s my boss at work and my business partner but now she stopped everything except for being her boss. She wanted us to be professional and she dont want to have personal relationship with me. She accused me to be someone that I am not. She accused me that I am taking her for granted and I am disrespecting her but I cant remember the time I did that, except for one incident last week that I decided to be silent because I was really tired understanding her. I was tired of thinking if I did something wrong. In fact, I asked her if there’s a problem that we have to discuss. But she told me there’s none and she’s only busy that’e why I understand her. I was trying to understand even I felt that there’s really something wrong. But then I decided to talk to her yesterday and she gave me a decision to end this friendship. I feel hurt and betrayed. Why is it so easy for her to cut me out of her life? Why she chose to say it to me in a way that it seems I never did anything good to her? And I cant forget her face and her look when she told me that. It looks like I did something very bad to her which I have no idea. And it’s hard that I have to see her in the office everyday and I have to talk to her for work related. Please pray for the healing of my heart and that the Lord will give me grace to always choose to forgive everyday.
This is so relatable, I think that every woman can relate to this. I’ve definitely gone through this kind of situation, I think I’m even going through it presently. Thank you