Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Forgot to add. If your kids had too much stuff....you need to look at yourself, your husband, parents, inlaws. You and they are the ones responsible for the amount of stuff and for not teaching your children to pick up after themselves.
I'm just reading this post....years after the fact. I hope that this has worked for you.
I'm 66 years old and I still remember the heartbreak when my mom threw away 2 of my favorite toys. She's long gone, but I still remember the pain and a part of me will never forget or forgive.
Those were your childrens possessions...you had given them these things. What does it say to them that you can take things away as easily as this. That nothing is really truly theirs. Maybe they should box up some of your possessions that you don't need and get rid of them. See how you like it when the tables are turned.
Hello Ruth, I just wanted to tell you that you’re a psychotic authoritarian menace. Hope your kids never speak to you again
Yeah, you're a terrible mother. Like this is practically abuse and y'all have no idea the damage you are doing. Don't talk to me about how healthy this is for a child until you take a psychology class and realize how this soooo bad for the developement of your child. Also, your kid is going to absolutely hate you when they are older. So good luck with that.
Boy howdy, am I having flashbacks. My stepdad got onto these creepy purges all the time. This is so messed up. I feel so bad for children that have to go through this, especially because I get what they must actually be going through.
Kids are supposed to have toys. It's not just indulging in greed or maximalism or whatnot. That's a component to their development. The stimulation from toys furthers their development intellectually, emotionally, psychologically, and creatively. It lets them investigate scenarios and problems they may not be approached with while "living in the moment" with adults that have long forgotten what it means to be a child.
That's not even going into the trust issues. They're young, they know that they have no real power to stop you. You have complete control. And that excites you because you're an abuser. That's what abusers love.
Perhaps your husband's discomfort with your lack of concern for the wellbeing of others will translate into him finally taking action, and he will remove your children from your care. It would be in the best interests of your children.
You might even enjoy it. He can declutter your life by putting your children in a better situation, and then you could truly live in the moment.
Even the way you describe your results is just....good god....it's CHILLING. The way your kids immediately submitted to your new decree, and seemed "content" to you to not ask for anything.....well of course. You ripped away everything they had. You taught them nothing could be theirs.
You didn't break their "stuff addiction," you broke THEM. Like beating an animal until it ceases to resist what you want from it. I feel the urge to vomit every time I remember how you worded all of this and spun it like you think you did anything remotely humane or acceptable.
You've given your family stockholm syndrome.
The laughable part of this is that it reads like someone who has no clue how to parent and has no business BEING a parent because that’s exactly what this is.
Your kid had a tantrum - normal. Your kid wanted a toy - normal. Your kid promptly forgot about it after awhile - normal.
You and your husband fixated on this, for some weird reason - abnormal. You had to pull a stunt for some dumbass reason instead of just working to parent your child and educate them - abnormal. Instead of nipping behavior you find unacceptable in the bud using healthy means like an adult, you abuse your kids - abnormal. You take their clear worrying signs of trauma as a good thing - abnormal.
What’s wrong with you? What is ACTUALLY wrong with you?
Just admit you’re a bad parent and go, like damn. I can’t get over how normal this child is, but they have the misfortune of having two idiots for parents. I hope they turn out okay in SPITE of you two, because they sure as fuck aren’t going to BECAUSE of you.
But sure, let’s do something cruel to a toddler and a kindergartner and then glorify it on the internet so other bad parents can get bad ideas for new awful things to inflict upon their kids.
You can't ruin the world for them and take the only things they own you wicked witches. Give your kids toys to apologize for the shitty society they have to be raised in because of the economy you ruined maybe, lmao. Sorry you're jealous that you didn't have electronics when you were kids but, surprise, they aren't evil, neither are toys. It's natural for kids to want toys. Taking the one thing your children have control over doesn't make you a super mom, it makes you a disgusting, pathetic excuse of a parent. You should be more mature than that.
Hello! I just want to say that I have had this done to me as a child! And I grew up with anxiety issues, trouble asserting myself, letting people walk all over me, and having little connection to things as my 'own' thus stunting my growth which I still struggle with every day!
I am in my 30's now, and it took me until I was *29*, to finally get away from my mother who had multiple issues including being emotionally abusive, which this is.
By taking away things from your children to 'declutter' you are thinking first of yourself and not the effect it has on your kids.
I know this was probably done without ill or malicious intent. However, a lot of emotional abuse is perpetrated by a person who BELIEVES they are doing no harm. Please for the sake of your children, look at it from their view.
You have taken away things they thought they owned. Imagine someone coming into your home and swiping away an item close to you in the name of 'minimalism'. You are stripping them of any personal identity they are beginning to grow into.
This isn't hearsay, this is what happened to me. It screwed me up so bad I developed Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a whole HOSE of trust issues. You are setting your children up to have massive trust and bonding issues late down the road.
A child won't speak out about these things because they have extremely limited perspective of how the worlds works. When I was young, I just thought that's 'how things were'. Children, especially so young, don't have the scope to understand these things. It's not until later when things are too late and the damage is done, will it come to light.
And the 'mothers' posting on this, praising and lauding it- shame on you. Shame on you for treating your children as little annoyances that have to been controlled for the sake of an aesthetic. If you didn't want to be inconvenienced you shouldn't have had children.
For whatever reason, I cannot leave a reply on my above post, so I apologize for having to make a separate one. I’d just like to apologize for the typos in my post, for some reason my autocorrect on my iPad apparently can’t cope with me typing fast and seems to switch the correct word to an incorrect one (I.e., your to you’re.) Sorry if that made it difficult to read.
-Tyler