Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
The Breaking Point
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away (& Why They Won’t Get Them Back)
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
The Paradigm Shift
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
So…what happened??
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
No turning back
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Ruth Soukup
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We’ve had the most trouble with the little toys that family gives.
We’ve been encouraging boks, and lately, my family has been cutting down on gifts, much to my relief. They’ve even been asking about needs, which has been a relief.
I love your post.
People are always so surprised that I’m not getting my children a ton of toys for Christmas and birthdays.
Your post is a good reminder to me that it’s time to put the Legos back up for a while. My husband just reminded me of this yesterday, but I stopped before replying and put them up.
When our son was born, DH and I were determined not to let the toys get out of hand. We strongly feel that it’s good for him to grow up “poor”. And yet, his toy box is already overflowing. Thanks for this reminder!
Please don’t feel need to post this comment…I just must send it in love. I knew another mom that made the same decision as you when her kids were young. She continued to attempt to teach her kids to do the right thing by controlling their choices and their belongings. She has already lost one of these children to drugs and violence and two more are headed in the same direction. When you see your kids making poor choices (materialism) please seek to teach them how to make the right choices themselves. Yes, this begins at an early age and continues. Making the choices for them, taking away gifts and possessions that were once theirs is a very very scary slope to start down. I totally mean this in love as someone who has watched that family break.
Taking away their toys was probably a symptom of a deeper cause. Kids can sniff controlling attitudes from a mile away, and rebel against it.
The same decision can be made from different perspectives. I agree with you, but this all seems healthy, at this point. Especially when the children are given buy-in on the process, not just punishment from a very unhappy, unhealthy parent.
I’m sorry but I have to agree with the above commentor…this is a dangerous decision to make. Its like the difference between punishment and discipline. When you just lose it and take away your childrens possessions (bc that’s what they are to the child) you are teaching them that they have no say-so, no control over their own things. Have you ever read the book Boundarries? I suggest you do. A better way to approach this may have been to have a heart to heart with your girls and then let them each choose 4 or 5 toys to keep. In order to grow up confident and develop healthy bounddaries, children need to feel in control of their lives/bodies/personal space. It does not surprise me her kids grew up to be drug users as many children do turn to that lifestyle when they do not develop healthy boundaries. You absolutely cannot control your kids and expect everything to end up ok. Maybe they didn’t ask for toys bc they know you will just say no or throw them out. Did you ask them how it made them feel? I recently read an article about a hoarder and one of the traumatic turning points for her was when her mother threw away all of her toys and nice clothes. It was devestating.
I think you all are looking at this the wrong way. Having just done this myself with the same result I can tell you that it was absolutely the right thing to do. We now have a library check out system for toys and our daughter is allowed to have 2 toys or 1 bin of an activity out at a time if her room is perfectly clean. She LOVES this system and whats more, enjoys having a clean, calm inviting bedroom. She feels like she is in control of things more because it is not overwhelmed by the mere presence of toys in her room. She does not miss her toys at all. I’m not getting rid of absolutely everything, but thinning out was necessary for all of our sakes. I honestly do not think that because i’m teaching my family to be organized, frugal and grateful for the small and simple things that she will one day self destruct and turn to drugs or worse to self soothe or fill an empty void.
This is a great idea, mRox.
The fact you used the phrase “perfectly clean” alarms me. Life is about messes and the process and forcing a child to meet super clean expectations (tidy yes. Organized yes. Clean. Yes. But perfect? Be careful you’re not teaching your child perfectionism and legalism.
I would like to comment that my father used to threaten to take away everything and leave us sisters with 3 sets of clothing each and a bed in our rooms. He never did it because my mother wouldn’t let him, but as an adult, I now wish that he had done it. To this day, I struggle with valuing my possessions and act carelessly with them. If I had been cut down to nothing, it would have taught me to appreciate what I had and to purposefully take care of those items.
You seriously think kids turned to drugs and violence because their mother took away their toys? Please. Obviously there was something else wrong in those children’s lives. There is a difference between being over-bearing and controlling when kids are old enough to make their own decisions (I know a 35 year old who still feels bullied into making certain decisions by his father), and taking away excessive toys when children are young. Of course you need to make choices for them when they are young, they are too young to make good choices for themselves. Do you let them choose if they want to go to school, or whether to take medicine they have been prescribed, or whether to eat healthy food? I hope not.
Great post! I am slowly heading that way too and it is encouraging to hear that I am not the only one out there. We have gotten rid of about 90% of the toys and have already seen a big difference. I am ready to go all the way, but have been discouraged by family members. We are about to move and think that may be the time to make the final purge.
You obviously didn’t actually READ my reply….developing healthy boundaries and habits starts when a child is very young. In order to do that, you need to allow them to have some kind of choice in the decision…that does not mean they run the show, or have the final say – you give them 2 choices and let them decide. NOT- do you want to stay home today? But rather: do you want to wear your blue or red shoes to school today? Her post was very dramatic- you can see the picture in the post and there are ZERO possessions in the girls’ room. My point is that if you are consistently controlling every thing your child does and not allowing them to develop healthy boundaries and decision making skills, they WILL have emotional problems later in life. Period. And yes, that can mean a life of drug use. Or being a grown man and allowing your father to run your life. Neither of those are healthy things. I’m also not advocating no consequences for your children…she did warn them and they chose to ignore her. However, she helped to create that environment that her kids live in by allowing things to get out of control. My kids have toys, but they also have chores, and they clean up their own toys. I don’t do it for them. Every few months, we purge toys and clothes, and I GIVE MY KIDS A SAY SO in what is purged. Because it is their stuff, not mine. Mostly gifts that were given to them by loved ones. My point is obviously there are other issues at play here if her kids are constantly whining for stuff and not listening when she asks them to do stuff. Honestly I just felt like this whole post was ridiculous parenting.
When you think about it, there’s millions of children around the world with very little or no “possessions” at all. Yet when they surveyed children from across the globe, the found that poor countries have happier children than the ones in first world countries. Goes to show… materialism does not make one happy. I plan on donating my kids’ toys, except for the developmental ones. Great post, Ruth!
I have read this thread and I think (for what its worth) that purging the toys and “junk” is a great idea. Now, for those of you in the recent posts who keep referring to parents taking away children’s possessions… THE POSSESSIONS ARE THE PARENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE! The children shouldnt have “rights” or too many choices at a young age, that’s what makes them entitled. With kids developing drug problems and that sort of thing, I can assure you it is not a result of having toys taken away. That would make it a giant temper tantrum. emotional issues like that are most definitely stemmed from deeper problems as was stated in an earlier response. However, when you have children in the beginning phases of making bad choices, its a good idea to purge the bedroom of any items that allow the child to be their “own person,” of individuality, until they get a grip on how to cope with being a regular person first. I have removed the toys and such from my sons room, and he had to earn back the few things I did allow him to have. It isn’t “controlling them” like robots, but letting them know who the “alpha dog” is. Kids really are alot like puppies. 🙂 Just putting my two cents in, Thanks for hearing me out.
Your thoughts on this matter quite honestly disgust and appall me, actually no, if you honestly think something as *horrible* as all of that *YOU* disgust and appall me. A mentality like that is *exactly* what leads to problem kids or kids who grow up to be maladjusted, whether that be something as extreme as turning to drugs or a life of crime, or something “tame” like being a grown adult and out on their own and letting their parents push them around or make all the decisions for them.
Anything given to the kids is *NOT* the parents or anyone elses, it belongs to whoever it was given to and no one else. If you give your friend a birthday present you’re not entitled to suddenly changing your mind and taking it back, or if you consider your friend to be abusing it. Once you give something away to someone it’s theirs alone and you have no further say over that item. And having rights does not make someone entitled or spoiled in the least, every human has the same rights from birth to death and those rights do *not* change or only suddenly appear at a certain age. Perhaps you are confusing rights and privileges, a *privilege* is not guaranteed to you from the day you’re born, they are things you have to earn or to reach a certain milestone (like age) in order to have access to them and they are something that can be revoked. Everything you said above is pretty much a picture perfect example of how *NOT* to parent.
While I do agree a child has rights, is the parent not the carer of the child. If someone is in a home, while they have rights, their carer has the final say. We as parents have the final say. If I see my son is becoming an entitled, spoilt brat with no regard for his belongings, then it is my duty as a parent to say “James, this is what is going on and this is how we are going to fix it.” My parents did this to me. They would come in and simplify my room. So much stuff was always in a box or the bottom of the cupboard and then forgotten about. Kids need to have certain decisions made for them. While they may be a bit annoyed now, when they see how much easier it is to cope when there isn’t a mess all the time, they will thank their parents. I cleaned my nieces and nephews room. They had so much crap. They each got a small box to put their favourite toys, aand the rest was given away. For my nephews birthday recently, he got a teenage mutant turtles suit with all the accessories, he NEVER plays with it. Ever. It is ridiculous. While a child has rights, what their parent sees fit, is what is best. Within reason. We all know our own children.
I think you should consider the side that it’s rude to say her kids will have problems. She’s a Christian and although she’s not perfect, and neither are her kids, they have Christ to tell them whether doing something is wrong or right and honestly, to each their own. 🙂 I am sorry that everyone is overreacting; i think there are more mature ways people could go about this.
I found you through Women Living Well and I’m your newest follower (on Twitter – @ChristSatisfied)! I love this post and thank you for the reminder! I’m currently reading 7 by Jen Hatmaker and have become so overwhelmed with the excess in our lives. It’s crazy and ridiculous! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Christie
http://www.facebook.com/satisfactionthroughchrist
I’m about to take all the grandchildren’s toys out of my craft room.
I’m not taking everything away, but going back to the Lego’s, Duplos, Barbies, Hot Wheels, the doll house, building blocks, few board games, and the craft supplies that we originally started with when we moved in to this house.
Less is definitely more! I need to clear my stuff and my mind too.