Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
The Breaking Point
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away (& Why They Won’t Get Them Back)
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
The Paradigm Shift
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
So…what happened??
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
No turning back
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Ruth Soukup
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I LOVE this! I have thought about doing this so many times over the years. I have done what you have done by cleaning, organizing, labeling, EVERYTHING! I’ve noticed that by slowly reducing the amount of toys and clutter it has helped my kids out in a positive way. I agree that imagination should be the toy of choice. When I was little I played with one toy at a time making up stories and adventures. I believe that to this day it has helped me to be a better problem solver and artist because I always practiced using my imagination.
I read this article and many of the posts. People are going to have different opinions and I can respect that. I take away toys periodically when it seems we are overwhelmed with them and they don’t have nearly the amount our friends kids have. But one thing I wanted to add was a new tradition at Christmas to limit the toys that time of the year. We wanted to simplify! We implemented 4 Christmas gifts to keep it simple : ~want, need, wear, read~ The girls each received something they want, something they need, something they wear and something they read. It has been a transition but they are adjusting well and I love the fact that our house is not a messy pile of wasted wrapping paper at the end of the day. Now we implement this concept for holidays, birthdays, etc. Works for us!
I don’t remember if I commented before, but I want to thank you for this post. I have been going thru the same thing and this has really got me thinking. I am having my daughter put everything in her room into bins and we are going to go thru them and keep only a few things to play with. I am tired of the junk and the stress it creates.
God Bless and have a wonderful day.
It’s obvious to me that you are projecting your shopping addiction issue on to your children. What you described is really sad and has to do with your personal issues. Please seek help before you do any more psychological damage. I am a Psychologist and this post is terrifying to me. Please please get help.
Carlee, I grew-up with little. My parents didnt have much money. We used our minds for play and learning. Yes, I was homeschooled. Im the oldest of 5. I never had a barbie, I did get some home made stuffed toyes from my grandmother. That I still have. But, I didnt grow-up to with issues. My sisters and brothers didnt seam to have needed Psychologist at any point in there lives. This is what wrong with the world. People that dont have children think, If children are NOT given everything then they will never be right. I personally think that if children see what goes into earning what they truely need instead of what they want. There would be less in our jails and less in the new every night of someone stealling casue they have to have it.
I have raised my children the same as I was. My children dont seam to have issues cause of this. And I truly dont believe that Ruth, taking this step will do damage to her children. Ruth, Keep up the great job of being a Parent!!!
I find it hard to believe an actual physiatrist would type that comment. Maybe I’m wrong though… I’m will to bet you are one of those people who don’t have kids but because you read some stuffy text book you think you are the authority on raising children. The first time I took all my kids toys away it was at the recommendation of their in home therapist who saw them in their environment.
Look up Love & Logic. I once took the classes mainly because I was bored living in a new town and I saw it as a way to meet new people. It was one of the best things I could’ve done! The idea is to let your kids make the choice ( given 2 acceptable options by the parent) and then make them accountable for the consequence of that choice. For example this morning my 2nd grader who has been told over and over about messing around in the morning instead of getting ready did it again! I warned him that when the bus came he was walking out the door in whatever he was wearing, well the bus came and he was shoeless I handed him his shoes and backpack and sent him on his way. It won’t hurt him to walk down the driveway in socks on a dry day and the hour bus ride is plenty time to put his shoes on. He chose to mess around and the consequence was having to run is socks down the paved driveway. Never give them a choice you can not accept the consequence of but don’t always give them easy choices sometimes you have to let them choose between right and wrong. I once caught my son trying to steal a small toy at a store, instead of yelling at him I told him that the item was not his and he did not have money to pay for it. He just looked at me and said you buy it then. My response was look you can either put it back and save your money until you can buy it, or you can continue what you were doing and when we walk to the drift of the store I will tell the manager what you have done and not only will you be in trouble with them you will also loose (it was a car) all your cars at home. He made the wrong choice. The manager realizing what I was trying to do took him to the back room to speak with security and told him he was not allowed back in the store. (He’s 5 so they did not do anything legal wise). He lost all his cars and every time he wanted to go to that store I reminded him he was banned. It was a hard lesson for a 5 year old but since then he has accepted that stealing is wrong and not worth the punishment. He is currently saving a trip to the arcade 🙂
Less is more and kids need to be held accountable, part of society’s problem as a whole is that it is so consumer driven and kids are not being told no!
Oh Carlee :(. It’s not a good sign if you can make such a rash judgment on a single post. Both my parents are therapists and own their own , very successful, practice with 7 others working for them. Both my sibling hold a phd in psycology as well. They would agree that she did a wonderful thing for her children. If you took the time to really read her post she did warn her kids, and she had been thinking about doing this. The girls didnt freak out nor were they traumatized. She also kept plenty of good educational toys like coloring books, books, dress up clothes, kitchen with accessories, puzzles, Legos and board games while only storing the rest of the toys…not trashing them all. A single event of taking away a bunch of unnecessary toys will NOT psychologically damage them….that accusation is truly laughable. If she does truly struggle with being a shopaholic then she is doing a great job of trying to show her kids how to find happiness in something other than material possessions. I don’t have my PhD but I couldn’t find anything that looked like she was projecting. My own girls are 3 and 18 months and the only toys we have are the same ones mentioned above and maybe a few more (just a few!) And they are extremely happy! What I find “terrifying” is that parents these days think children need to have all kinds of toys to be happy and well educated. Pardon the language but how the hell did Albert Einstein turn out so smart? Should I list more geniuses/influential people that didn’t grow up with technology and amounts of toys like kids these days do?! My girls best days are when the t.v isn’t on ( I’m not dumb enough to give my toddlers any other electronic devices) and we color, read, have tea parties and play outside all day. I must be such a controlling, crazy parent ;)!!!!
I make my kids do a toy purge before all holidays and birthdays….I have taught them that there are children with very little or no toys and I encourage them to make the decisions on what to let go. They happily have parted ways with many toys, my oldest often giving away more than I would think she would. I have two ridiculously spoiled girls, although I would never get rid of all their toys I think further reduction is necessary….they have a toy room so I think all their toys will be in there and make all toys come out of the bedrooms. I remember growing up and not having much but my imagination was crazy! I was telling my daughters how my sister and I would play elves and fairies and use our imaginations …and they were intrigued. I think sometimes we substitute our own limited time by allowing our kids to be busy instead of taking the time to enrich their lives with quality. You should be proud of what you have done for your children….totally considering this….thanks for sharing!!!