Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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About a month ago, I bought 7 laundry bags from the dollar store. My two girls, two of my four children, were horrified as I nicely organized each bag to have some toys in it to stimulate different parts of their brain. I.e. something musical, plush, building, etc. My oldest girl cried as she explained to my youngest girl that she had to say 'bye-bye' to the toys as Mommy was taking them away. (She's our drama queen.) My plan was to give them a new bag every day for them to play with, and they would have an easy clean up before bed by throwing all of the toys back in the bag. The next morning, they excitedly got out one bag and played with the toys all day long. The following morning, when it was time to choose another bag, they declined and played pretend with each other...sans tons of toys!!! Since then, THEY HAVE NOT TOUCHED ONE TOY that was put in the bags. And don't worry, they don't fill their time with the TV.
This is great! My husband and I talked it over and we both decided that this was the best idea for our home. We don't plan on getting rid of them...well, at least not all of them, but we do plan on giving them to them in controlled situations, so as to prevent all toys from scattering all over the house.
I am going to do this although it might take some time for my husband to get on board. I have already decided that I personally will go first. I am a sewer and crafter that has collected way too much that I likely will never use. I also hang on to many things for sentimental purposes and often over time forget where they came from or what the meaning was. I am going to purge my own belongings in a major way and then help my boys cut down theirs. Hopefully this will help my husband do his too!
I agree with you wholeheartedly, we think that we are giving our children the "best" when we shower them in all the things they want, when, in truth, all they really need is our time and love. I learned with my two sons that kids are much happier and content when they don't have so many "things" overwhelming their life, but time and attention to who they are as people help to form character in them.
i just found your 'one year later' post via pinterest and i knew i had to read the whole story! and good for you momma!!! our kids have way too much stuff!!! period!!! and it was so awesome that they said they just use their imagination and then they dont have to clean up! lol kids are overindulged and over stimulated and are constantly bombarded by the newest toy or game on tv. good for you!!!
I love this.
I am not a parent yet, but for years I have desired to raise my children in this way. I have had the great honor to work overseas in some of the poorest communities doing Intercultural work, My longest term was two years I worked in New Delhi, India. It always baffled me just how much fun the children who lived in the slums were having. Genuinely happy. Content. and they literally have NOTHING. (trust me, it's not like the commercials that are trying to convince you to sponsor a child who portray these children as sad, desperate, etc.) NOTE: Please don't read that and hear that I don't support these charities--these children do need food, education, etc to end the cycle of poverty--however, they do not need toys! These children play for hours with old soda bottles they converted into soccer balls, dolls. THEY HAVE SO MUCH FUN. THEY ARE JOYFUL, FREE, They are KIDS, and they PLAY. They are so innovative, creative, grateful for what they do have--and PROUD of showing you their houses(well...tarp enclosures). Its beautiful really.
Are children with toys more happy. I say NO. And I hope to raise my children with the same intention as you.
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I absolutely LOVE both your blog and this specific post. Currently I do not have any children but I find myself talking with my boyfriend about 'what we are going to do when we have kids.' Its unrealistic for me to believe that all the things I say that I'll do, or even half of them I say, I will ever follow through on. This is one area that I hope I do follow through on. I grew up spending time outdoors; camping, playing, imagining, picking rocks (because that's what you do when you're bored and like to be outside?) and when I hear a child 'bored' that has no comprehension of what it means to find themselves something to do that does not include a TV, Computer, Video Game, or any electronic it baffles my mind. I doubt I will limit all toys, but I certainly hope that I can limit it to things that evoke imagination and movement. Thanks for showing that it CAN be done! That makes me think, how in the world do you limit what people GIVE you as gifts for the children? Donate it?
I accidentally did this with my son two years ago. We cleared his room to put in a new bed and he asked that we leave everything out. He never asked for anything back! In the two years he has accumulated a few things, but hasn't missed the toys at all. Now I never feel guilty throwing out small plastic toy shaped objects or donating things the kids say they don't want. I found your blog on pinterest and am looking forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing this - I may do your version with my daughter, who might be as you described "addicted" to stuff.
Thank you for this post! I read it in June, and we have been "one toyin' it" since! I wrote a blog post about our journey and gave you props! You can read it here: http://ositocraftiness.blogspot.com/2013/10/operation-one-toy-so-much-joy.html
Thanks again! :)
Ruth, thank you SO much for posting this. As I read your story, I kept feeling like I could have written everything you said (not nearly as well though!!). Out boys have SO MUCH stuff. Their toy room is a nightmare. (Toy room...what a first world problem.) I go in there maybe once a week because it's the one room in the house I hate so much. The fighting, arguing, nagging, pleading, and frustration that happens any time I mention cleaning up the toy room is just too much. I have weeded, boxed up, organized, labeled, taught my boys what to do to keep it clean....everything but lighting the room on fire. The idea to just take it all away has been in the back of my mind for awhile now. You have given me the courage to do it. Thank you!! I'm excited. I'm excited to help my boys become un-desensitized (is that a word?) to the things around them. I look forward to having that room back in our house. I think there will be more smiles and fun than there is now. I feel like there is too much - it's like offering them junk food or alcohol or other mind numbing stimulants ALL.THE.TIME. Thank you for your courage to write what has been in the back of my brain but trying to surface. I can't wait to read more of your blog. Thank you Ruth!!!