Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Growing up my mother was a semi hoarder. I had four siblings of different ages which meant many hand me downs and she kept everything! Never could we get rid of something If we wanted to, she would check the trash daily. I guess my mothers mother gave away all of her toys when she was young and it effected her she says? Our very decent sized play room became no joke 4 ft high with toys. Just walking in there would be terror mostly just breaking toys to get to anything. Kids parents wouldn't let them over and we were known as the trashy family even though everything else in the home was spotless. We even had a weekly maid. It got so bad my brother eventually couldn't get to his room on the other side and slept on the couch till he was 14. My brother and I tried to throw things out that were broken and useless but would get caught and punished. My brother and I would fill tubs of toys and hide them in closets and such to try to make room. Eventually my mothers kids grew up and by the time it was truly time to get rid of the toys in her mind they were all trampled,broken and useless. Even my little wooden doll house I thought could be safe somewhere in there was in hundreds of pieces. My mother was great in every other aspect but now regrets what she made us live with. Just thought I'd share this and I truly do praise you for finding a good option that worked for your family.
I had a similar moment, wish I had thought to keep most of the toys away, instead, they have steadily been able to earn them back, but thankfully they're also getting to enjoy the perks of less clean up, less distractions. My husband & I agree that gifts from us going forward will be experiences, arts & crafts & books to encourage their own imaginations. The big but is that my kids are the last grandkids/niece & nephew in a very large family that thinks our parenting style in general is a little off the wall...any suggestions on how to keep the simple focus during the holidays when everyone around is showering the kiddos with a bunch of stuff?
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Wow! I fight with my kids about cleaning all the time. They never want to pick up toys and I just become a nag. So just this morning after a battle with them I took a deep breath and calmly told them it was ok, I would pick up for them. They were excited until I started packing. I told them if I have to pick it up then it goes away for awhile. I packed up one room and put it in the basement where they can't get to. After some tears they realized I didn't throw them out. I asked them to pick up the toy room and they are quietly picking up now. So nice not to have to argue and nag. Thanks for the fabulous idea. I hope they forget about them and I can get rid of most of them.
Thanks for the good writeup. It in truth was once a
enjoyment account it. Glance complex to far brought agreeable from you!
However, how can we communicate?
The negative comments don't surprise me. I googled this because this weekend after a tantrum in the store (which was becoming a normal occurrence) we took away our sons toys. Every single one. And I asked a question on a birth board (idiotic move right there) on when to give them back. Oh man I had every perfect parent out there belittle us for it. Lol. You would have thought I said we beat our son. And they said it doesn't get to the emotional side of why he threw a tantrum. Blah blah blah. He knows what he did wrong, we discussed it. Either way they went nuts so I wanted to see if we were crazy or if someone else had taken their kids toys away. Glad I found this, I was starting to feel guilty and now I don't again. Btw, we gave back what he asked for already. Now I'm going to go through the rest of it. A lot of his toys are broken or not toys anyway.
I don't know if you still read the comments here but thought I'd comment anyway in hopes that you may read this:
I think the mothers on here that criticized you, do not fully understand why you took the toys. But I have also took my sons toys away when he was 6 years old and let me tell you the out come now that he is 12 years old:
My son is a straight A honor roll student, he plays baseball, plays drums and takes archery classes. He does not have a game system e.g. Xbox or play station, instead he builds RC cars from scratch, he fishes, kayaks, he lives to draw, he loves to create! He spends time with his extended family members and etc. how many 12 yeR old boys now a days actually want to spend time with their grandparents and uncles/aunts? My son is a well rounded tween and at no time did I EVER regret taking those toys away! All he was doing was sitting in his room playing with a slew of brain sucking toys and constantly being told to "clean your room!" After I took the toys, he used his imagination, he went outside, he learned so much more about life. Some moms are saying its "abuse"? Well I say it's quite the opposite! It's abuse to not incourage your children to want to enjoy being outdoors, creating, using imagination and actually Enjoying spending time with family. I know it's been a while since you posted this, but still wanted to applaud you mom! Xoxoxo ;)
Honestly, toys don't "suck the brains out of your child", they encourage imagination, and creativity. I understand your child is pretty much amazing, but just because they're nearly prefect and love the outdoors, doesn't mean he shouldn't use toys, and especially when he becomes a teenager, he'll probably want to do things differently. You can't just suddenly just take a child's toys away, especially when the toys actually help the child imagine and create new and cool things.
I am a twelve-year girl. I am a straight-A honor roll student, am currently in volleyball, and trying out for soccer. I tutor other kids along with my sister and am also saving my money for a cruise for my mom by babysitting. I attend one of the most prestigious schools in my area, and although I do not build RC cars from scratch, I have had a poem published in a book, and won first place in the county fair photography contest. I enjoy hanging out with my family and hearing old stories, and I really enjoy learning. I am even learning Spanish and Japanese right now! I am in no way spoiled, and my brain is definitely not sucked out by playing with toys at the age of 6! In fact, if anything, toys BUILD imagination. Taking away all of a 6 year old's toys because he wouldn't clean his room and also to teach him "the value of life rather than material items" is ridiculous! If my mom had done that, I wouldn't be where I am right now, and I probably wouldn't have such fond memories of her, either. While taking away all of your child's toys is not abuse, I can't say it's right either. I mean, there is a reason that people at archaeological digs have been finding children's toys dating centuries back...
Hear, hear! The idea of removing all of a child's playthings is ridiculous. Toys exist to build imagination, give children a sense of ownership and control, and as a source of entertainment. Taking them away is for the benefit of the parent, not the child, and all of these women are convincing themselves that it's the best option for both when it's really only ideal for them.
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I also took 90% of my kids' toys away. The first time, it was a consequence for playing and jumping in bed after the lights went out. That first day without toys, my preschoolers DID NOT HAVE ONE FIGHT. No arguing over toys, no "mine!" shouted over an object. They played more creatively than they ever had before.
It dramatically changed my view on toys, and I'm so glad to have stumbled on this idea while they were so young!
Thank you for sharing your experience, and thank you for being so graceful in how you handled the negative comments.