Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Far be in from me to tell you how to raise your kids - but I certainly hope you returned at least some toys to them.
If you talk to doctors or psychiatrists each will tell you that this was a huge huge HUGE mistake. Toys are fundamental building blocks for kids. They help them build motor and social skills. Also, it helps stimulate a child's imagination greatly. By taking them away you are doing nothing but stunting a child's growth.
Now, I agree - a child doesn't need 80 billion toys. But they do need a variety that can be utilized in different ways.
Furthermore, you mentioned how the girls have become more well-mannered, etc. This most likely has nothing to do with the toys and everything to do with a fear that you will take away something else that is important to them. They do not ask because - even if they do receive the item - you will most likely take it away. As I said - it has most likely stunted their emotional growth.
My advice to you is to rebuild the trust your broke of your kids. If they previously had a favorite toy, hunt it down, buy it. and return it to them. Otherwise these children will grow up and when they're 40 or 50 they will still remember 'that time when mom and day took away ____.' I know, because this happened to me as a child. Granted, mine wasn't forcibly removed, but when we moved it got lost. And I still remember my Jenny doll, and I remember being miserable for a lot of my young life and frustrated that my mom didn't try harder to find her.
Do you really want that?
Since this original post was written several years ago, I've since written an update to this post, which can be found here: https://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2013/09/13/why-i-took-my-kids-toys-away-one-year-later/
I think this is absolutely wonderful and it gives me the courage to continue on the path that I have started to take with my entire house!! I really feel like we all have to much "stuff" and I feel like we can't concentrate because of all of it!! Good job and thanks for writing about it!!
Wow I had no idea things could change that quickly and I'm officially jealous. I'm totally addicted to stuff. For me almost anything pink (I blame Legally Blonde for this LOL) is something my eyes see automatically and I usually want. Recently I talked to a friend who said he didn't want anything. To me this concept is utterly foreign but I felt really envious when he told me because I cannot remember a day when I didn't want something. I would love to cut off the dependence on stuff that we have and I often forget that it's the people and emotions that give us joy in our lives. It's a lesson I need to learn and well done for helping your kids learn it. Any tips for an adult trying to learn this? :-)
Hi Ali! This is a lesson we all need to learn. You actually might be interested in the Clutter Free Challenge we're running right now, which will help you declutter every area of your home! You can sign up HERE.
Hi everyone!
As I was perusing through these comments once I finished reading the article above, I've got to say a few things:
1. Many of you mention that you need to put your kids on a "tech-break" because they are carrying around their little tablets and not socializing with other children their age or even with their parents. I think it's a bit ironic, however, that many of you complain about their "tech-obsession" when it is you, as the parent, who gave them said tablet or game, sometimes as a means to keep your children under control. Remember when it was a good idea to give your children Ritalin as a means to control ADD but really, what parent wants to deal with a child that is overly active and "out of control?" Tech is a bit like the modern day Ritalin. Give your kids a Leapfrog tablet and send them on their way so I can finally get the sleep I deserve. If you don't want your kiddos to be "addicted" to tech, don't supply it to them at an early age just so you can keep them docile.
2. Now, making your home "clutter-free" by taking away children's toys? I have never heard such a lame excuse to ruin your kids' childhood, creativity, and trust in their parents. These are children, remember? They are supposed to be a bit ungrateful and wild. They've got short attention spans, and in their youth, they use toys as a method of expressing their ideas and wishes through another means, because their voices tend to be overlooked. Take that away, and you've got a kid that will have grown up emotionally stunted and resentful toward their parents. Kids don't "enjoy the moment," because it is ever changing to them. Their lives are being shaped and changed daily, and for parents to take away the only creative outlet these kids might have, then who knows what kind of adults we will have twenty/thirty years from now.
3. Parenting isn't supposed to be easy. I was diagnosed with ADD at a young age, and my mother refused to medicate me. She kept me plied with toys, coloring activities, and let me run around outside until my energy had run out. She put me on a sugarless diet, so that any energy I had was all mine and all-natural. For some of these newer parents, they just want their kids to shut up and sit down, creating seen-but-not-heard households. Kids are not your property. They have a mind of their own, and it is your job as a parent to guide them toward a path of happiness and success, not jerk them around as you please- to punish them for telling you the truth when they've done something wrong; to take away their toys, so that they can "enjoy the moment"; to destroy every creative and youthful facet of their childhood.
Kids are kids, and if you can't manage their behaviors, then you shouldn't be having them.
I don't mean to “challenge” you or anything, I just want to respectfully get my point across so I apologize if this comes off as rude or trying to tell you how to raise your children, but don't age appropriate toys provide healthy stimulation to children? Toys can also be a helpful tool for playing pretend so I was a little confused when you added the “they play pretend thing”. How you've described their reactions of not asking for things and just helping you get rid of their toys makes it seem like your children are too afraid to do the opposite, with the punishment of having more of their property taken away. None of these things will positively benefit children when they get older, it's only natural for children--and any people-- to want things. I wanted things when I was little, and my mother just said no and I forgot about it after an hour and that was that. I think that can apply to anyone.
Two little rants here. Only 2-3 hours a week with technology? Honestly, I used the computer a lot as a child now I'm going to school to get a degree for it. It has benefited me. Also, in schools technology is becoming more and more involved. In 2nd grade they were teaching us how to use laptops. I agree you should limit the time on technology, but 2-3 hours a week is not enough. Believe it or not, technology does help the brain. I just hope the children will be able to keep up in school, and the world, when they know nothing of technology. As for the toys, they are children. The reason they don't ask for anything is because the last time they asked you threw a temper tantrum and threw away all of their toys. Also, most of the toys they didn't play with are ones you bought them and they had no interest in in the first place. So that's your fault at that point. Don't blame your children for a problem you have. You could have sat down with both of them and looked through their toys together and decided which you would give away and which you would keep. Might I add again, they are children. Not adults. They aren't always going to listen to you the first time you tell them something.
OK, I think I understand why you think that this is a good idea. You're just trying to do what's best for your kids, right? However, I think that you are taking this too far. Toys are supposed to help kids develop, they help them think creatively by using their imagination. Forcing them to grow up without that could have a big impact on their social skills when they are older. Also, I think that when you took all of your daughter's toys away after she asked for just one, she might of thought that you were punishing her. Having such a huge punishment for doing something that wasn't even wrong is probably not going to have a good impact on how much she trusts you. I get that you are just trying to help, but I think that you are just going about it in the wrong way, and you should rethink your actions.
You do realize that kids' toys have proven to stimulate their developing minds, right? Kids use those toys to play pretend, which encourages creativity; even video games in moderation allow children to learn how to think quickly and figure out innovative solutions to puzzles. Additionally, since these are the only items a child really has control over, it allows them to develop a sense of autonomy while securing their own environment.
Additionally, you claim that your children are less likely to ask you for things now, the fact is that the last time your daughter asked for something, she was punished by having all of her things taken away.
Essentially, your kids are probably going to grow up with developmental delays and severe trust issues towards you. I'd be happy that it would be the direct result of your shitty parenting, but your kids didn't deserve to be dumbed down to your level.
I hope your husband divorces you and take your kids with him. At least they'll have better lives without such a control freak like you.
Say it out loud everyone: This. Is. Emotional. Abuse.
Your kids will grow up ending up with literally, if not already have, no social skills and freaking anxiety because of what you did. You are possibly the worst mom I have ever seen, a complete control freak over everyone in your family, including your own husband no less.
I feel so sorry for those kids and having to live their rest of their lives, even before their at least ten, to have their own mother take away everything they have an interest in, and continue to act like a puppeteer to THREE YEAR OLDS, and continue to have a stupid mother who excuses what she's doing to them as something "They'll thank me for when they're older" , and continue to act like a tyrant. I wonder if they'll be thanking you for giving them anxiety to ask for things, because it sure looks like that's the only think they'll be getting from your terrible parenting "methods."