Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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I can see where you're coming from, and what you were trying to do, but your method needs a bit of tweaking, based on neuroscience.
From birth to seven years of age, a hypnotic download of programming happens in the subconscious -- we don't learn consciously at this stage. This has been measured at a theta wave; theta is lower than consciousness, theta is the wavelength of the subconscious where hypnosis, sleep and imagination happen. Ergo, your children download your *behaviors* from watching you, they are not going to extrapolate lessons, because it's not happening on a conscious level, the meaning they associate with the behaviors they see, aren't going to result in an adult-like interpretation like it would you or I. Think of a parrot, parroting English, or a computer downloading an App.
What you wanted for them, should have happened as a thing you did together as a family, rather than you taking away their possessions (which yes, I know you bought them, but they were given with the intent that they would be theirs, and not on loan). In the brain of a child less than seven, this act will be interpreted as punishment -- despite what they say. They are parroting you, saying what you say without the understanding. It's normal for children to resort to pleasing under these circumstances -- they're going to repeat what they've heard you say, what will please you. Because what else might you take away? Their home? Their clothes? Your love? *Anything's* game with the way you did this. After all, you gave them the toys without mentioning you could also take them forever, what else might you do that with? This will be lingering in their subconscious.
It would have been much better to leave them with the toys they had, and not get new ones. They would have grown out of those toys naturally, and giving them away to another child, or even donating them, would have been a great way to build empathy, and compassion. In this way you are teaching them a behavior, which is all you can hope for at this age.
Your method doesn't get across what you want it to, and sadly, you will only truly see the effects when they are in their 20's, 30's.
I suppose it's a bit late now for you, but I see many on this page are on board. I hope people read this, do some research on what I've said (to verify) and will find a better route for teaching some of these lessons.
I strongly recommend that you please all be so kind and let the children keep things that they really have been dealing with all the time and love them so much so far!!!If you see that children love these things very much and want to give up beloved things, then under no circumstances should you remove these things, and then not if they are already grownups and want to keep those things in mind in memory of childhood!!!If there really is no room, then just buy the storage boxes and the problem is solved!!! I also have many things at home, but I've been able to keep everything in good condition thanks to these storage boxes and I do not see any problem!!!If you can see that the kids are really good at keeping things up very well after dealing and the rooms are absolutely perfectly clean every day, please let them keep things until they really want it !!! If they can not clean it, then teach them and if they are cleaning everything, then keeping things is not a problem if there are big storage boxes.If children want to keep their things up,then let them do it !!! Children still want to make their own collections, videos and in the future they would definitely want to give their old things to their children !!!If there is no room at all, then take some things, but not all things, if they like their things very much !!! I consider collectibles of children's things to be very valuable, because for some time they become rare and there is no way to get them again! I have a very big Disney collection in my home and there are other things too. I do not give anything away because these are my things!!! If I have decided to keep my childhood things, then I'll keep them forever!!!I'm very experienced in childhood things and I know that things in childhood needs to be kept so that you can remember the old good times and in the future give them to your children!!!
Reminder and teachings for parents and children!!!
kids have to play outside, and get involve in sports and other activities..
I did this today. My three boys share a room. They have a few special toys left but no more than 10 items between the 3 of them. I was fed up with the constant mess and always hearing the whinning of how hard it is. Now they have these 10 items. And if I find them just laying around they too will vanish. The room you showed is so pretty. Looks relaxing. Next is to weed out the clothes. Were homeschooling so they do not need more than 2 weeks worth of clothes.
To all of the comments who agreed with this mother's choice, I'd like to tell you a story. My father had done the exact same things that Ruth has done to my younger brother. He took away all of his toys when he was little and never bought a single toy for him ever again. While on paper, it looks good, this is not the case. My brother grew up to resent his father and now hates him with every fiber of his being. My brother is now, at 15, extremely violent, constantly angry, hateful, and even steals! When this first started, my father switched gears and tried giving him some things, but every time he'd break them and sometimes use them to harm me, or since 2011, my other little brother. It has led to both of us having intense anxiety and my brother developing ADHD. Do not do this to your children if you don't want to risk them hating you and even possibly hurting themselves or others like my brother has! I don't want to see anyone make the same mistakes, because I've felt the consequences of them personally.
Hey, I'm only thirteen, but listen. I feel horrible for your kids. This just teaches them that nothing they own is safe. That if they do anything wrong that their mother is going to take away something they find a comfort. They won't ask for anything because they'll feel like you'll just take away what they already have.
"I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed." Do you literally have any idea how evil this sounds? At all? I don't care how 'fed up' you are. You are the parent. The adult. Your children's feelings- surprise- matter more than yours when your kids are only around three and six. Your children need toys so that they can enjoy themselves. It teaches them to be creative and make their own little stories. They made a mess, yes, but guess what, sweetie? Kids make messes! Because they're kids! Not little robots who are supposed to be mini versions of you! You could have taught them how to clean. Y'know, because that's your job as a parent? To teach them? When you send your kids to school they're going to tell their friends "My mommy takes away all of my toys. Sometimes my favorite toys disappear and when I ask my Mommy she doesn't say anything.". Are you going to look like some superhuman rolemodel for your children because you take away the one thing that they are supposed to feel is theirs? No. You're going to look like a terrible, abusive mother. "It's not abuse! I'm not hitting them!" There are more kinds of abuse than just physical. There's emotional abuse. This is just that. Give your kids some fucking toys and learn how to be a parent. Because right now you just sound like a brat who shouldn't have had kids.
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YESSSS!!! I 1,000% agree with you. I took ALMOST all my 3 year old's toys away and never felt better. She ACTUALLY plays with the few she has now. I don't spend hours each week picking up toys.
Thanks for sharing!
xx,
Nitsa
westcoastjensens.com
I've never agreed with anything more.
I'm thoroughly stunned by the lack of understanding you show for how children's minds work. You haven't taught your children anything except to fear you and that nothing they own is safe. My parents treated me like this. Even as an adult, the scars continue to haunt me. I don't allow anyone near my phone, my laptop, my books, and other personal possessions. I have no ability to trust other people to respect my things. I hope you're pleased that your kids will grow up resenting you and distrusting others. The minute they're able to, they're going to get as far away from you as possible and they're never going to look back. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.