Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Yes, I've thought about it very often! I really think they would be content with only dress up clothes & Legos. I can hear the oldest boys now saying.."What about your stuff mama?". Who knows...Maybe I'll do it today:)
LOL dress up and Legos are the 2 main toys in this house too! I can't wait to hear how it goes Holly...I hope you write a post about it! :-)
Thank you for this post! I told my husband just this morning that our 11 year old needs to go on a technology break! He has his tablet or a video game everywhere he goes and has a hard time socializing with other kids! He excels in academics and baseball, but other than that, he is glued to some form of technology for the majority of the day. If I restrict his access, he becomes moody and irritable. This is excatly what I needed to hear! Thanks, Ruth!
My younger kids this is true too, I've noticed the less they have it the less of a thing it is "times up!" "Oh ok here" and they go and play v. the more they have it the more they whine and collapse into a tantrum when it's time to turn it off. You have to do a "fast" to reset them, figure out your kid see how long it takes, maybe a week or 2, and see what the tipping point is of too much screen time. May be a certain # of days p/week or it may be mins a day you need to limit. I'm so glad we keep the sabbath and I have 1 day a week fast from technology.
Love this!! My husband and I are thinking of trying it. We have these same issues with our son, who is a great kid but just completely obsessed with toys and electronics. The part about your daughter missing the fun because she couldn't have the build-a-dino really struck a chord with us, as our son sulks whenever he doesn't get a toy and misses so many special things because of it- most recently a trip to the science museum.
C'mon Eileen...
Faith, you are considering doing a very wise thing for your children. As a grandmother who has seen the result of too much technology, video games, etc,. I will tell you how it has affected my oldest grandson. Very intelligent, and opinionated, the young man who was the first to call me "Nana" knew nothing about me at his graduation from High School. Each visit to my home in Hawaii , meant that the laptop or a book came out while at my house or on the road. There was no conversation, and answers to my queries were simply yes or no. Except for the activity portion of the visit, there was no appreciation for the island culture or beauty. His love of "gaming" kept him from going to college, locked up in his room as a prisoner of the technology he loved. It is an addiction, like any other. Without the ability to communicate with others, he could only relate to his "gaming" friends. He is 20 years old, and unable to secure a job on his own. His mother finally applied and found one for him! Having no sense of responsibility, he has thus far been left behind by his peers, and has lost any sense of personal pride in his appearance or cleanliness. Now he is being treated for depression. If you love your children, don't let them become engrossed in technology. Sure it's fun, and there's much to learn; but creating and maintaining relationships, self-amusement, and learning to play with others is more rewarding in the long run. You are certainly on the right track now. His moodiness now is just a sign of his dependance on electronics for amusement. Better moody now than depressed later!
Love this!! I completely agree with you! I'm 34, have 3 kids (11, 2 and 9 months) and I limit electronics. I know people my age, whom I grew up with, who take all the entertainment to a crazy level! They must be stimulated ALL of the time! And these are adults! Moderation is key! I'm sorry your grandson is having such a tough time! I hope things work out!
Eileen:
Thank you for posting. I have a son who just turned 20 and is on the same boat! Mine has autism. He is the moodiest person in my house. All he wants to do is watch videos, movies or be on the laptop. I have taken everything away in the past only to have a family member bring it all back because he felt sorry for him. I sat at his birthday party saying that we would be a happier family if I could just throw away all the tv's in my house. Maybe hearing your grandson's story might give me the strength and courage to do something about our situation. Thank you for sharing. You will never know how much I appreciate it.
If you want to break him free from tech stuff... maybe you should take it small. You're just disrupting his routine and making him feel even worse. I know if my parents decided to take my tech away, I'd be a nervous wreck. I'm also autistic as well, though I'm an adult... but still.
I know more than anyone how horrible this problem of excess is bc of course we experience it too. My son has many traits of Autism but has a good grasp of language so he is labeled ADHD with Sensory Processing Nevertheless, the issues are the same. Fights and tantrums over everything we let him play on (screens) I am a shopaholic but have really toned it down a lot and I did it bc of the "void" in my life and the guilt, thinking that my kids would see how much I loved them. You see, I'm very sick. I have many "disorders" that are very real, cause very real pain and limit what and when I can do things. However, it's not really observed by my husband. That is the other thing in our lives that's just not ok. I live on disability and have a difficult time "making it" financially. I cannot work at this time and am even cognitively "challenged" at times. I nearly died and had to have a hysterectomy during the birth of our second child. I never bounced back as I was already very sick before my coma and bf I had my children. I feel guilty bc I can't go on trips and there are days where all I can do is FORCE myself to get them ready for school and spend the rest of the day in bed. My husband and I have a pretty awful relationship. He is, I believe Bipolar, diagnosed by a psychiatrist during one meeting. Regardless, I never no what to expect and have grown afraid and weary.
At one point I did the same as the author and took away most of his toys. He did not even miss them and will rarely even play anymore as his interests are changing to computer games and devices. He's still there. I force him to run around the house when we play " magic word" - one good thing I learned from Pee Wee's Playhouse of all places. My kids are young. Five and seven. My marriage and tolerance for overindulgence is old. Twenty plus years. However, God (the Universe) gave me what he did and it's what I have to work with so U keep going. I keep trying. One day things will be better. I pray for myself and practice self care as much as I can. I care for and provide for my children mostly on my own. I will keep doing so until I no longer can. However, I grow weary of this world of excess and try to steer my kids towards kindness and reality. You can run from your problems, I tell them, and fill your life with meaningless clutter but your problems ALWAYS find you until you "Take the Bull by the Horns," and confront them, then. And ONLY then will we truely be free. There are things we are all able to change, even and most especially me. I do change things as much as I can. I change myself, my attitude and how Ilool at the world and show it to my children. I simply hope that is going to be enough bc right now, it's all I have.
Thank you Eileen for those words of wisdom. We know a middle age man in the same situation. He has had no life to speak of and now is losing his health to the point of life threatening conditions due to complete inactivity all his life. Sad.
Definitely an interesting post. I go through my 2.5 year old sons periodically and pull out any he doesn't play with to take to the thrift store. We've started the Christmas tradition where Santa may bring a few items, but we also leave some for him to "take to other children". I try to limit the number of toys he has, but not pull them away completely.
Faith - I have a coworker who makes days that start with T - "technology free". The whole family does not use anything technology in the home - tv, tablet, computer, even the phone on Tuesday's and Thursday's. At school and work are an obvious exception, but it's gone over very well for them. It was hard at first, but the kids are finding new forms of entertainment, and the parents are even satisfied with the challenge for themselves! Just thought I'd share.
Similar to the "technology free" T-days, starting a couple years ago we developed a family habit of "screen-free Sundays". Every Sunday, all day, nothing with a screen for any family member (TV, computer, iPad, texting, gaming, if we go to a restaurant we ask to sit far from any TV's, etc. - then we'll joke about trying not to look at the screen door either). This has been a wonderful thing for us. Maybe we'll add the T days to it as well.
My wife just read this article a few days ago and sent me a link. We must have been ready because it didn't take long to say "let's do it." Actually, I think that really was the extent of our conversation: "Let's do it." "Okay." We've both known for a while that our basement has been way too overloaded with toys.
The third load of boxes of toys is on it's way to a local charity today. While unloading the first one, the guy asked if we were cleaning out a day care center. ;) We kept a few things that don't use batteries and encourage creativity (a wooden train set, Lincoln logs, etc.). Some things were harder than others to let go of. So, about one box worth was packed away out of sight for a while and may go later. But, there's an immense feeling of relief, like a weight has been lifted. We have room to breathe and play again. Ahhhh.
I love that idea! Sadly, our 5 year old gets completely obsessed with our iPad or my husband's old phone - to play games on. And I'm guilty as well, I know I'm on my phone more than I should be! Probably not setting a good example for my kids... I would love to take away their toys bc I think that would make a huge difference in our family! It will have to wait until after summer since I watch a couple kids over break. Definitely being done sometime!
Thanks for great ideas!
Faith I hear you on the technology! We decided to restrict the girls' computer/television/Kindle time when we started homeschooling because it was becoming such an obsession for both of them. Now they are allowed a MAX of 30 minutes of screen time a day, but during the week we try to cut it out completely unless it is something school-related. It has definitely made a big difference too! :-) Good luck!
hi, i might be a kid but listen to me, kids will be kids, no matter what, if you cut down their screen time they just sit there and be bored, i sat in my room for 10 and a half hours literally!!!! and school is taking over our lifes, i now have school for 7 and a half hours (starting at 8:30 and ending at 4, and dont forget the homework, which usually takes me a hour and a half (cause i am dyslexic) and then i have to do mathematics for 45 minutes then i have dinner at 6:30 giving me half an hour sometimes less to tidy my room, and dinner ends around 7 giving me 30 minutes to play and then go to bed, (this took me half an hour to write :(
Sweetheart, you’re exactly right. School does take an enormous amount of time in any child’s day. It’s a full time job for sure. I remember hating school so much that I would give myself tummy aches every day thinking about going. There wasn’t anything really wrong with it, I just wanted to be doing ANYTHING else. Just remember that even though it seems like your whole life now, it’s only temporary. You will finish and look back thinking “wow, that went by so fast!” Be sure to make the most of it and keep working hard so you can have a bright future. If your parents are limiting your screen time, why not try something new? Learn to paint or come up with a new game. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was draw comic books. The world has endless opportunities, you will surely find your passion. Stay positive :)
Just cuirous, how come the Kindle is in that list? They're a very good way to have plenty to read both at home and on the go while being easy to transport and hard to mess up. Unless you have a Kindle that's not 'read only', then I could see the reasoning.
This seems like an excellent point. If the "clutter" of books is too much then I think a kindle or a Nook is a perfect solution. Children NEED creative outlets and reading is extremely beneficial.I find it interesting that this question didn't get a response.
Why would anyone be mad about her decision to purge unless THEY have a guilty conscience and know they should follow this same advice BUT don't have the power to do it. It's so funny how the culture is set up- if you go against the mainstream agenda, your demonized, the people doing the demonizing first of all, don't even relize there's an agenda to begin with, there is a war over our minds and best believe there are many powerful people who will do whatever they need to do to make sure trends like this one in this blog post don't happen in large scale. Because if it did, and everyone stopped buying toys, stopped COVETING, if that happened nationality, those big powerful people would be loosing LOTS of money! And that is where the negativity comes in. The masses are blinded just like they want them. I hope this post wakes some sleepers up
A kindle is still "screen time". Plus Kindle is not just books. It also has books that are read to you almost like movies. You can check email. Browse the web. etc If you want to limit screen time and still give your kids something to read, I suggest going to the local library. The books are free and when you are done you just give them back. If they don't like them than they don't have to finish it and take out another one.
It depends on what kind of kindle you get. My paperwhite can't open email, read to me, or surf the web. It does advertise books but I think I can pay ten or fifteen bucks to get rid of that feature. If you get a kindle tablet, then yes it is screen time.
I read recently that studies show people have lower retention rates of information when they have read a book on an e-reader/Kindle than if they read the same material from a paper book.
Than get a kobo the e ink display looks exactly like a book.
YES!! We have this exact problem! All of the kids have handheld devices and a seemingly non-stop itch to be on the computer! While my husband and I were on a trip we put up ALL of the electronics and limited computer time to school-related activities during the week and only 30 minutes a day on the weekend to make it easier for my parents while they were watching the kids for us. We have been home for a month now and have yet to change any rules....LOVE IT! And the kids, surprisingly, are not that bummed! If they know they can't have it, there is no stress over wondering when/if they can use it. Out of sight, out of mind!
I applaud you! You have taught your girls that THINGS are not the important thing....I’m appalled at people calling you psychotic and all...what??? We grew up with very little....and I’m glad. I learned to use my imagination and played. I had a wonderful childhood. Your girls I bet since this took place your girls learned to form relationships with PEOPLE. I love it!! Bravo bravo bravo!! You are a GREAT mom!
After reading taking more time to read your story and getting to know you, I genuinely feel like my previous post was insensitive ... I hope peace and happiness for you and your family.