Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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I will be doing something like this soon. With my entire house! I am tired of all the STUFF. STUFF here and STUFF there. Maybe my family will thank me later.... just maybe
They will! :-) Good luck Kierra!
It's so good to know I'm not alone. I told my husband one day that it is my goal to throw at least one thing away a day from my girls' bedroom. I am a bit of a neat freak and the other day, I just snapped when I was helping one of my girls find a pair of shoes for her AG doll. I just started tossing handfuls in the garbage, not even paying attention to much of what I was throwing away. I ended up with 3 bags full! I asked my girls afterwards if they hated when I get in those "throw away" moods, but, to my surprise, they both said they LOVED it! Reading this post has now motivated me to move on to the next task on my list (the one that keeps moving farther down the list) - cleaning out the closets. We don't need half of that junk, and it's going to feel so good getting rid of it.
It DOES feel good! Good luck with your purging! :-)
Ruth, Awesome! It reminds me of this speech one of our church leaders gave awhile back about uncluttering our lives:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/unclutter-your-life
Enjoy!
Thx for sharing that Brittany! A good reminder to unclutter all aspects of our lives!
Brittany that was a really awesome sermon! Thanks so much for sharing!
I love this post!!! I have twin girls and have been having the same problems with them. They have way to much toys and they never clean their stuff up. THey now expect me to clean it and if they have toys and are done with them they just throw them on the ground. I have threatend them many times to take away a lot of their toys but have never done it...until this week. Earlier in the week I spent hours in their room organizing the toys and cleaning. By day three my kids had taken every toy out and their room was a disaster. They refused to clean up. Fed up I went in their and took about 50% of their stuff out. And it looks and feels so much better. I think they really like it as well because they are not so overwhelmed by all the stuff. THeir room has remained clean for several days now. I to feel like less is more. I am constantly cleaning and feel we have just to much so I am going through the entire house and trying to get rid of at least 50% of everything. The less their is the less their is to clean!!
Thanks so much for sharing this, Something we need to do I think
My sentiments exactly! Thanks Sara! :-)
What will they get for Christmas or their birthdays?
Princess had her birthday while we were in Key West. We gave her a book and a dress, but her main gift was going on the trip. We haven't thought much about Christmas yet, but I would like to make a dress for each of them, and Santa will probably bring one thing for each of them as well. We try to make Christmas about traditions and spending time together and giving back to other people anyway, so I'm not too worried about it.
We also found "experience gifts" are the way to go on birthdays and Christmas. This year we stayed at home for Christmas since we are Gazelle Intense (thank you Dave Ramsey and A Merry Different Christmas). Hopefully next Christmas our credit card debt will be a memory and we will take a trip to make a memory!
Great post. I agree with a lot of what you said. I know that was a bold move, and probably not an easy one to do. I agree also with what you said about stuff in itself is not bad, but the pursuit of more is the problem. Over the past couple of years we have worked to reduce our kids stuff as well, along with technology. It's amazing even with all the toys around, they prefer to play with a something that maybe would otherwise be labelled trash for lack of a better term. My only question is I wonder if kids have a heart change because of something like this, or is it just a behavior modification. I guess the jury is still out on that. Also, how do your kids "earn it back"? Is it a good behavior award? Just curious. Thanks for sharing your honesty in this post. I enjoyed reading it.
Thanks BG. At this point I don't know whether it is a "true" change of heart but I guess I'll take what I can get. We use a diamond jar reward system. They can earn diamonds for doing something helpful or reading or trying hard in school or learning their memory work, and once they have earned 10 diamonds they can get one toy back.
We were planning a move about 18 months ago- to save my sanity while the house was for sale, I sold or gave away 95% of their toys. I caught so much slack from my mom friends, telling me how that was cruel and unfair for my children to have no toys to play with.
Much like your children, mine LOVED the freedom! There was no more arguing for a clean room. There was no more stuff scattered throughout the house.
Plans changed, and we didn't move as planned. Christmas, birthdays, and other holidays have seen a steady influx of toys back into the house. Thanks for the encouragement that it's time for a major purge again!
I know Andrea, I didn't even address how much EASIER it is to keep my house clean without having to pick up a gazillion toys each day! :-) Good luck with your purge!
GREAT post! I don't buy my son toys almost at all, but his Grandma enjoys buying him stuff and is a very sweet and generous person. I think what stops me from clearing out his room the most is knowing that she had such a good heart in getting him stuff. How do I get rid of stuff without looking ungrateful?? = /
This post just really hits home as I am the mother to two grown children and with my daughter getting married in the middle of July and wanting to start her family early next year (by the latest), I am faced with some soul searching here. My mother was a wonderful, loving, generous woman born in 1926 just before the Great Depression. She remembers having a lovely dolly (that I now have as part of all my "stuff"....another topic for another post :) but not much else. My Dad always had a great job as an Engineer, and my brother and I were raised solid middle class. We did not lack for anything. I love stuff so my Mom always was very generous with gifts for my kids, God bless her soul. When my daughter was 7 and my son 2, our family moved away out of state. My parents would visit for 10 days only every summer. My Mom would bring mucho gifts when they visited. I think my kids were happier to see my parents for the gifts then for themselves. I never realized this until I read this post. My daughter is already afraid I'm going to spoil my grandchildren. This is a two generation trend, and I vow to break this trend with my future grandchildren instead making the time they will have with their Mom-Mom the special gift of the day. I love everything that has been said here and wished I had thought of some of these things with my own children. I love the idea of rotating toys. That's ingenious! Ps - mine and my husband's stuff is driving us crazy!! I can only imagine how it can overwhelm children. Thanks for everyone here for their input. Ruth, you made a step in the right direction for your family. I commend your bravery for taking the leap :)
I've been working on this same problem with my family. This year I finally made some headway and my sisters got together and gave us a family membership to our favorite zoo and for my daughters birthday this month my sister sent 4 movie passes and a gift card enough to cover popcorn and juice for everyone. My daughter and I think these were the best gifts to date!
I also went with the less is more thought at Christmas when Santa filled a stocking (socks, undies, her favorite bath bubbles, a pack of side walk chaulk and a bottle of outdoor bubbles!) and put just one other gift under the tree. I went small in gifting this year too. Two new outfits and a couple of books. I really thought my daughter would be disapointed but she had more fun with the few things then with the many of years past!
My daughter and her best friend's birthdays are with in a couple of weeks of each other and I took the girls out for a day of lunch out and a movie. Her mother acctually thanked me for thinking outside the box and not bringing another toy into their house. This weekend she is taking the girls to one of those indoor play grounds, I thanked her for the lack of toy gift too!
Thank you for the inspriration to really get rid of all the toys that I keep stepping on that never get played with. I know just what I will keep and everything else will get packed away or donated! Thank you!!!
I have the same situation... my inlaws (including aunts-in-law) constantly buy my kids crap. What finally did it was having my MIL here when I had another baby. While she was here I asked if she'd help me organize their stuff/closet because now three kids would be sharing a room. When she saw first hand how much STUFF they have and had to put up with figuring out where the hell it would all go (I had a c-section, so she had to do all the heavy lifting), she declared she'd never buy them another toy again. Now she gets them one big thing they actually need, and asks us first. This year they'll be getting bunk beds for Christmas. She still feels like she's being helpful and giving, we're greatly appreciative... and no small pieces all over the house :)
A Bunk Bed is not a Christmas gift its something a parent needs to provide for their child to sleep in In other words its a bed the child needs it shouldn't be called a Gift. Your taking away the joy of your child getting a special toy Christmas is for children not for the parents to get a huge furniture piece from a relative just so they don't have to pay for it The parents wanted it not the child That s like a husband giving his new bride a blender saying sorry I couldn't afford to take you out for our Anniversary and buy you a gift I figured its something we could use Would you like it? Katie
Thanks Juli. I have the same problem with my Husband's sister, who spoils my daughters rotten. She has gotten a little better over the years as we have gently tried to explain how important it is that our kids not have too much stuff. I think seeing me give some of their stuff away that she had given them also made her realize it was a little too much. Now she sticks mostly to clothes so they are very well dressed. :-) Ultimately I just had to get over the idea that because something was a gift we had to keep it forever. Anything that is truly special & sentimental I put away in a keepsake box, but let's be honest: a lot of it is just stuff!
You are an inspiration! I feel like I am being driven out of my house by all of the stuff that my children and husband acquire! I always nagging them about the memories that we have. None of them include this STUFF! I would love to do this, but I feel like I would be lynched in my own home. But maybe this is what I need to risk so they can look back and remember the family moments, not the video games, the bins of junk, the piles of stuffed animals, etc..... Thank you for your post!!
Thanks Tanya. I wish you the best. It is definitely a BIG (and hard) step to take, but so worth it!
This post came at the perfect time for me! My kids have an overwhelming amount of STUFF and my husband and I have be one sick of it. Neither of us grew up with excess and I spent hours reading and playing outside, same as my husband. My son's biological mother left him when he was a few months old and my husband lved with his parents until we got married when our son was four. He was spoiled and still is by his grandparents and now my daughter is too. I argue on a daily basis with the kids to clean up their oversized playroom and I'm tired of the disorganization! We are being pulled by the Holy Spirit to pull our son from private school and I need half of that playroom for our classroom! I am planning on getting rid of st least half of the stuff and praying our family members support us and help us on this journey to simplify life! Because even though our son loves reading and my three year old daughter can do puzzles for hours, I still hear the words "I'm bored!" and it breaks my heart! I want my kids to understand that life is about love and people around you, not the stuff... Thank you thank you for this post, I needed to know I am not the only one in the world that wants to throw the needless toys out the window!!
Well yeah. People get bored. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with them.
I think this is devastating for children. Toys keep their minds and bodies active and make them happy to be alive. Children can and do understand loss and they can grieve. If all toys are suddenly taken away from them and not given back forever. They will feel like a part of them has passed away.
whenever we said "i'm bored" as kids, our mom gave us a chore to do. needless to say, it helped immensely! :)
"Bored" is a four-year word in our home. If the kids are bored, I make sure they aren't bored and they get an automatic half hour of weeding in the garden. Their friends know better too! It helps them to be pro active about using their imagination to have fun.
I had a daycare in my home for forty years, the "B" word got a time to sit on a chair with binoculars and watch the grass grow.
That is terrible! If children ( in general ) are bored it would be best to give them something to do for the day like reading a book, coloring, etc. You could even print out free coloring pages for them to color in. You could even let the children figure out what to do THEMselves.
That is terrible! If children ( in general ) are bored it would be best to give them something to do for the day like reading a book, coloring, etc. You could even print out free coloring pages for them to color in. You could even let the children figure out what to do THEMselves.
Well that surely doesn't help...and I mis say I would never have wanted my children attending that daycare at all. When a child is bored give them something to stimulate their imagination, don't punish them. Ask them..."Okay, your bored, let's think of some creative things to do to fix that!" I feel that is a more appropriate answer to the situation but to each his own.
There were millions of things to do at my daycare. The kid who got the binoculars usually ended up telling me about all the neat things he was seeing. Kids say they are bored sometimes just to see what you'll come up with. Sometimes they need a quiet activity where THEY find the things to do by themselves.
What a terrible thing to do to a child! When a kid says they're bored, give them a book to read or have them research a new topic. Give them something to be creative with. Don't punish them for expressing a completely human emotion, help them learn. I can't imagine who lets these people work with kids, when they clearly don't understand them at all..
Good luck Karilee. It can be so hard when there are other people buying gifts for your kids because getting rid of them seems mean or ungrateful. We have that same problem with my Husband's sister who LOVES to spoil them with toys and clothes. I finally just had to give myself permission to let stuff go, but anything that is "sentimental" I do put away in a keepsake box.
We have a couple that we know that asked their parents to not get the kids more than 3 gifts. One is a book, two is an outfit or piece of clothing and three may be a toy. Luckily they were happily to comply. It is a hard subject to discuss with some family members. Luckily for us our family knows my son gets overwhelmed with getting to much stuff at once as he struggles with autism. We let our boys open everything and then put some stuff back, rotating it through out the year. I also do a fall clean out and get ready of all the things that they do not use. hope that helps some