Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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wow I am glad to know I am not the only one! I have 3 kids (1boy and 2 girls) ages 7,4 and 2. They had way too much stuff and I could not take it anymore either. I threw EVERYTHING away! I do not have a single toy in the house left. I did keep the family board games and this was the best thing I could have even done. my mom things i'm crazy but its such a weight lifted off my shoulders and the kids don't even miss the toys!
Too much stuff? Oh yes! Way too much! And I'm just as bad as the kids. But I'm working on it. Last month, I spent a considerable amount of time filtering through boxes upon boxes of misc. things. Stray puzzle pieces, battery covers, marbles, doll shoes, screws, candles... you name it! Left to my husband, all those boxes would have just been tossed out to the trash. But I cannot stand wastefullness and I have a pet peeve about keeping sets of things together. I don't know how I allowed things to get so bad. Anyway, missing things were found and toy sets were made complete. Then, most were placed in boxes to be donated. Much of this was done while my whole family was home. So the process was very slow because there were other pressing needs. Then, my in-laws took my kids for an entire day and that's when the real work began! Their rooms were cleared, stuff was boxed up, and the stuff that was removed hasn't even been thought about or asked for! It's as if it was never even here in the first place! We have a long way to go. But this is a great start! And it shows that we really don't need so much clutter in our lives. Hold on to the people, not the stuff!
I am LOVING this! You have me so tempted to do this myself for our children. I must share your site with some "friends" of mine. Thank you!
You're welcome.....thanks for the comment and thanks so much for sharing! :-)
Oh you MEAN and Horrible Mother! :)
My Mom actually did this to us as kids AND cut the cord on the TV. LITERALLY. As we were watching it. She walked over, unplugged it and with a HUGE pair of scissors cut the cord in half in front of 6 horrified kids!
From then on I had the BEST childhood. We played together and never were bored. I loved growing up that way. With my own 7 kids, they have WAY too much. A storm is brewing.... it won't be long until the same thing goes down in this house.
Love you! Love reading your gorgeous blog and looking at your amazing pictures!
Oh Tiffany, that is AWESOME.....your mom had some serious guts! Can't wait to hear how things go down in your house....you always have SUCH an entertaining way of sharing your family's experiences! :-) xoxoxo
I love this post! I have thought to do this so many times but was afraid to just like youbut nOw i think I'm going to try it. I also have a problem with my daughter watching way too much tv
Good luck Monica!
encouraging other vulnerable women to commit the same awful act as you , how do you sleep at night?
Oh, please. Let's knock off the drama! The same "awful act?" Tell me you're joking! Even if you didn't think that this was the right way to deal with the given situation, kids not having an excess of toys is hardly some kind of abuse. Come on. Kids "back then" didn't have ANYTHING, and I have to believe that it was, in a lot of ways, a whole lot better that way. Kids these days are SO incredibly entitled. They shouldn't be "owed" anything. I sure as heck wasn't, and in turn I have the ability to enjoy the now, and be content with the things I DO have. Take a lesson from all of these "vulnerable women" who understand this concept. How does she sleep at night? Hmm... Probably pretty well.
The problem isn't amount of toys or possessions, I feel like you're quite comically missing the point or deliberately ignoring it :/
There's a word for taking something that doesn't belong to you and taking other people's belongings without asking them or getting input, it's called stealing, and it's *always* wrong and an awful act. Cutting back on what her kids owned is not the issue and never was, as a matter of fact, cutting back on excess is almost always a great thing, the problem arises in how you deal with or execute that goal. If you just go in and take everything without any input or opinion from whoever owns it, then you're stealing it and that's a massive problem and absolutely not ok, not even a little bit. If an excess needs to be cut down, then the owners actually have to be involved and given input on the matter.
How can you "steal" something that was purchased by you, the parent? Also, you seem to have a very simplistic black and white view of the world "The Doctor". I think you need a few more life experiences before making judgmental comments to parents who are trying to do what is best for their children.
Well, Karen, once you give something away to another person, it doesn't belong to you anymore. Whether or not you spent money on it doesn't matter. That's how gifts work. You don't rent toys to your children.
You'd never steal back a gift you gave to an adult friend and throw it away. Why do you think it's OK to do the same to your own child? The only reason I can see is that you have less respect for their individuality next to people who aren't even your flesh and blood.
If there's anything that I want to teach my kids, its to be an honest person with integrity. That means not going back on your words and actions, just because its convenient to you.
My mother did this to me when I was a child. She took all my toys and donated them, telling me that if I complained I was a terrible person. Of course I never said anything. She took things that I loved, without talking to me about it except to tell me that she was tired of cleaning. It was all about HER. I'm 45 now and for that, and numerous other instances of disrespect for my personhood throughout my childhood, I will never forgive her. She also decided to "teach me a lesson" about putting clothes away properly by pouring bleach on all my clothes that I left on the floor and destroying them. Again, all about HER. This is child abuse. This is emotional manipulation by a narcissist who only thinks of themselves. The children are possessions to them, just props, with no agency of their own. The main reason I never had children of my own was because I never wanted to chance that I would be like my own mother. I would never want to put another person through that.
Re-reading this, I realize how rude I was. I'd like to apologize. I need to quit getting into internet disputes!
But in regards to your comment, The Doctor, I simply cannot agree. I don't feel it's wrong to take your kids' toys away, I don't feel it's wrong to take them ALL away, and I don't feel it's wrong to take them all away and even never to give them back. I HIGHLY doubt that those kids bought a single one of those toys themselves. I'd bet you that each and every one of them was given either by the parents themselves or a relative, and again I say, kids receiving toys is a PRIVILEGE. I understand what your argument is, how they are the kid's possessions, but if the parent feels it's necessary to get rid of them, even forever, they should absolutely exercise their right to do so. Yup, I *do* believe that it's their right to do so, and no, I don't believe the kids have any kind of almighty kid-ly right to keep them. (Back to the whole privilege thing.) Parents taking away their children's toys isn't stealing. It's tough-love parenting. I still think that it needs to happen more often. Ruth had the kids in mind throughout the whole process. (Yes, her own too when she said she was tired of the clutter, but she also has the right to make changes for her own benefit as owner of the house.) She did it to teach them an invaluable lesson about "less is more." You said that I was comically missing the point by dwelling on this, but I don't think I am considering that this is what initiated the ENTIRE post. And again, it WORKED. They learned to be happier and a whole lot more content, and it was all due to their loving mother who made a tough choice, but it turned out great. Please understand that I'm not trying to be insensitive to your story about you and your mom, but that just wasn't what was going on *here.* She wasn't stealing, she was parenting.
Who cares if the kid didn't buy the toy's, obviously they can't get a job!! Plus that lady was just tired of cleaning up and didn't want to buy her kids toys when they went on vacation so she took all the kids toys away. Honestly how do you know if the kids are "really" happy... They could be just keeping everything inside.
I have 3 boys and I have taken all of there toys away about 1 year ago. They get 1 toy a day and it makes things so much simpler now that I don't have to argue with them over picking their messes all the time and having that viscous cycle going on all the time. For my oldest son with ADHD and OCD he is much more happier now that it is easier for him to keep his room straight with his younger brother to which he shares a room. There are still fights but it isn't over it is your mess you pick it up and my youngest who is 5 is content with playing with the one toy he picks out in the morning all day with hardly any issues. Life after toys is good. : )
Love hearing the long term results! Thanks for sharing Virginia! :-)
you're to hard on your children they need toys to build up strength and dignity why take it all away it's a bit selfish taking over let the kids decide
You do not take away strength and dignity from a child by taking away their toys. It is not a selfish act. That is absolutely ridiculous. Back in the day we didn't have that many toys because 1) most folks didn't have the money to WASTE on tons of junk-we actually played outside and used our imaginations 2) children were not elevated to sainthood above all other creatures on earth. We had our proper place and it was perfectly fine, hence we did not feel entitled to receive every toy invented (most are disappointing anyhow) And 3) While we consider parents in previous times to be less than astute when it come to raising children, they sure knew more than we do in many ways. We would never consider refusing to clean our rooms, they knew that giving kids everything resulted in unhappy and unfulfilled little tyrants and through discipline (which is greatly lacking these days) and punishment including, oh horrors, a spanking (not beating), we learned self discipline and that one needs not be rewarded constantly for just being alive. In my opinion, kids seemed happier and learned more in school and behaved better.
By the way, when my daughter was younger (first grandchild on both sides of the family)I took most of her toys and put them in the trash. She was upset at the time but quickly and easily adjusted to the new situation. She is now in her 30's and has two children of her own. She is lacking in neither strength nor dignity. In fact she is self-assured,happy, happily married to her college sweetheart and is a senior engineer that develops fuel delivery systems for automobiles, has a patent and asked me to babysit the kids. Had she been stripped of self worth and her dignity torn to shreds because I took away a bunch of STUFF long ago, taught her self control and self discipline, not to mention that the planets didn't circle our home because she was there, do you think for one second she would beg me to take care of her precious babies???? I think not.
Simply put, that is shirk-your-responsibilities entitlement thinking. Look where that type of thinking has our country-trillions (TRILLIONS!) in debt.
So while I came to this site looking for a recipe (lol), I was intrigued by this article and applaud all of you that love your children enough to do them this favor. It will benefit them, and your whole family, immensely. They will start using their brains. Trust me, I have been in your shoes it is a GOOD thing. don't let the naysayers get you down. Even the ones in your own family. They also won't die without iPads, pods, cellphones or a car when they turn 16.
I'm sorry but that is *EXACTLY* what you do when you *STEAL* someone else's belongings from a position of authority (such as a parent) and right in front of them to boot. It is not *ever* a favor and only breeds hatred, resentment, and fear, *especially* when it is something that happens more than once. Such an event and abuse of power and authority happening once is easier to recover from, but no less damaging than it happening several times or on a regular basis.
It's a *fact* that kids need toys, that is one of the main ways that they stimulate their imaginations, having absolutely nothing can only get you and your imagination so far and gets beyond incredibly dull. Kids always require some form of tool to get the most out of their imagination, that's why things like sticks and rocks become swords, guns, spears, grenades, or more mundane and less violent things like brooms or even pretend people. This is something even ancient humanity knew to be true (why else do you think we constantly keep finding ancient toys amongst the artifacts and so on in ruins or archeological digs). Not stealing other people's possessions has absolutely nothing to do with your so-called "shirk-your responsibilities entitlement thinking" (which a completely garbage notion in the first place) and everything to do with being a moral, decent, upstanding human being!
I don’t think the previous posters meant that they take ALL of their kids’ toys away. I think we live in a culture that is inundated by toys/material goods and so taking MOST toys away still leaves children with enough toys to fuel the imagination... especially open-ended toys like you’ve mentioned (blocks, sticks, fabric, simple dolls, what have you). I’ve been a professional artist most of my adult life and the most creative people I’ve ever met grew up in the middle of nowhere without much material possessions. Without much to play with or loads of entertainment, they had to dig into their imaginations constantly. So I think there is much value in attempting to give your child a simpler childhood rather than allow them to be subjects of countless marketing ploys and idle entertainment.
YES, finally someone who says it!
A toy is more than just stuff, it's one valuable tool that a child can use to express their own creativity.
Yes yes yes, been waiting for this. Taking away your children's things is cruel and unneeded, just because you have some obsession with keeping your house clean it doesn't mean you torture your kids. You ripped away things with sentimental value and taught them that they have to "earn" love from you using a reward system, it's no wonder why they don't ask for anything anymore, last time one of them did you stole all of their possessions! This is abuse, plain and simple emotional abuse
The real abuse is only loving your child through toys. Not actions.
O thank something that there is an actual sane person on this thing!!
Perfect Response Joan! :)
Exactly, Joan. I'm only 16 years old, but it's plenty old enough to understand that everything you said is true. I agree with it all, including the main post! Comments like 556's are absurd.
Love love love! Thx for the inspiration. Just what I needed!
Thanks Cathy! :-)
Very, very scary thing to do...way to go. Less is More.
Off subject: where do you typically shop for the girls clothes? Knowing you're budget conscious, I'm curious where you find such cute things clothes.
THANKS RUTH!
Thanks Kate.
My sister-in-law buys them a LOT of their dresses & she is not especially budget conscious.
When I shop for them I usually look for clearance/coupon deals at Gymboree, Target, TeaCollection.com, or Kohl's. I have a really hard time buying them any clothes that aren't at least 70% off, but sometimes at Target I'll settle for 50%. :-)
Awesome! ::laugh:: I did this once...and the kids could earn back one toy each day they kept their rooms clean (or at least clean enough for me to vacuum the rugs and not trip doing so). Unfortunately the clean didn't last. I'm so tempted to do it again...
That's a great idea Jessy! Good luck! :-)
I totally agree that less is more. When I was a kid, my folks didn't have a lot of money so we didn't have the best and newest, but we never knew we didn't have as much as the next kid. I remenber one Christmas, my mom got me a knockoff Barbie and made the clothes for the doll. It was one of the best Christmases I had. I hope that our younger generation learns from your blog. Thanks for sharing.
I still have the Barbie clothes that my mom made me for Christmas when I was a child. Very few other Christmas gifts have meant enough for me to keep all of these years. Now my daughters play with them.
Thanks Diane :-)