Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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I didn't have a positive reaction to the children's a few weeks later and not making any request. Instead it felt like an emotionally abusive parent who didn't physically touch them, but scarred their heart and made them feel unsafe to ask for even the smallest toy because it would affect their home and life. I'm sorry, I don't believe extremism is the right answer. Going too far either way in everything in life is wrong. Sorry, it's how the story made me feel.
I felt the same way! This type of parenting seems extreme and borderline abusive to me. Children don't need tons of toys to be happy, I get that... But even taking their comforters, that I don't get. Making a child scared to ask for a toy isn't impressive.
You need a reality check on abuse if you think this is borderline abusive. The girls still have access to some toys, they have their books, colouring equipment, they are clothed, fed, loved, nurtured, and you dare suggest 'abuse' comes into this? What a joke. You need a serious reality check. Try seeing what a real abusive home is. And the idea that the girls were scared to ask for a toy or felt unsafe... that makes me laugh. It is a sad world when adults can't comprehend that children can learn to enjoy life without copious amounts of toys. Did you miss the paragraphs that said the girls don't even want most of their toys back? They know they are there, and that they can get them out one at a time, but most of them they do not even want. Did you miss the parts that said they are happier, more patient, more creative? I suggest re-reading the entire section 'Paradigm Shift'.
Leah, not all abuse comes in the form of bruises and hurtful comments. I would agree that this is abuse in the sense that Ruth is clearly the type of person who needs to control everything. I find it just as abusive to never teach your children how to think and make decisions for themselves. Yes, taking away the toys when they wouldn't pick them up, that was great. Not allowing them to earn them back or at least choose for themselves which ones to keep? What's the point in having mind. I had a dear friend with mother like Ruth...who then ended up with a controlling husband who turned into an abuser. Teach your kids how to think for themselves and, yes, teach them to be happier with less. Lead by example. Sincerely, Ruthie (because I never met someone who went by Ruth that wasn't a control freak)
Wow to imply that Ruth is a controlling abusive mom is a bit extreme don't you think. Personally, I say "Way to go Ruth. " I grew up with a controlling mom so I can spot one a mile away. Ruth, your actions with your daughters wasn't controlling....... it was parenting! Thank you Ruth for teaching your girls through experience that their happiness doesn't revolve around their stuff AND showing them that there are consequences for their actions (or lack of action lol) even from young. You warned them repeatedly about not picking up their toys. Its comical to me that many of theses negative post say you're wrong for what you did but yet none of them actually give a working suggestion for how you "should" have handled it. I agree on one thing though. What will work for one child might not necessarily work for another but doing nothing at all or expecting our kids to know right/wrong on their own without being showed/told what is right/wrong is lazy parenting. This one solution can be adapted and changed to fit different children. From adopting the ability to earn back toys overtime to possibly donating old toys twice a year. Go Ruth!
THANK YOU, LEAH AND SHERIA! It's very, very sad that those other women considered this abuse. VERY sad. If only they knew what REAL abuse was. What Ruth did was PARENTING. For some reason, the idea that parenting is abuse is growing ever prevalent today. Real parenting needs to be done a heck of a lot more, and all the worshipping kids' "rights" a lot less.
As a child who went through this personally I can say this is abuse. I've had many years of therapy to try to come to grips with what my parents did to me, and you don't have the right to tell me that it's all cool. There are probably a lot of other things going on in this household that qualify as abuse, as there was in my childhood Wait until they get older and realize what harm was done to them psychologically. Children are humans, with rights, but still the parents need to understand that children need guidance. Not to be victimized.
I wonder how many things you should throw out of your house that are "entirely unessential."
Perhaps even the computer that you are typing on. It seems that you punish your children for using their stuff inappropriately (such as playing with their toys and God forbid doing so with more than one at a time and leaving them on the floor) and I wonder if you shouldn't also consider your inappropriate use of your luxuries. Tell me what things adorn your house that only clutter or that only serve to please you. It seems to me that your children had at times had a difficult time with responsibility, though you admit that you have moments of impulsiveness.
You began this blog as a shoppoholic??? Where did you kids ever adopt this mentality of consumerist materialism? How long did it take you to address this issue in your life and what makes you think that your kids will over come it so easily? You do understand that they are not psychologically even capable of understanding the values that you are enforcing in their lives? In fact it would only seem that you are enforcing negative ones (hypocrisy). Let them learn from you! Prove that you can do it in your life first. Teach through example, not through coercion or you are in for some trouble.
Do you really believe we should not discipline and teach our children until our own lives are perfect? What an awful society we would live in in that case!
Ruth had already told her girls multiple times to clean their rooms, told them what the consequence would be, and they still didn't do it. That is a very simple sequence of events and they look old enough to have fully understood what was expected and what was going to happen. This is not coercion, it is consequences, something every member of society deals with and far too many children do not learn these days. Parents who expect their children to just follow their good example without any discipline and teaching are the ones who are "in for some trouble"!!
And what do you mean "they are not psychologically even capable of understanding the values that you are enforcing in their lives"?? Do you think children retain the psychological capabilities of a 1 year old until they are 12? This quote from Ruth's daughter proves you are wrong: "it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day." So yes, they definitely understood the values she was teaching them: that it is not important to have lots of toys because we can entertain ourselves and lead a simpler life without them.
Sorry, didn't mean to sign that as 'Anonymous' :)
Great story! It makes me want to throw away everything I own. I notice when I travel for business what an immense relief it is to be in a hotel room where there are empty tabletops, a clear desk, and only the clothes I brought with me in the closet. I sleep like a baby in hotel rooms, but at home I can't rest - there is so much to be done just to clean and maintain the house that I can't relax.
I would LOVE to throw away all of my kids toys. I can see now that with the exception of a few toys they can get something new and play with it for a day at most then its forgotten. The thing that bothers me the most is that they fight constantly over the same exact thing only for one kid to finally get it then lose interest. Drives me nuts.
Just wanted to let you know I linked to your post today over at Dollar Store Mom! http://dollarstoremom.com/2012/11/simplify-take-away-all-kids-toys/
Interesting post! Our daughter (3 years old) didn't have tons of toys to begin with, but our family lost nearly all of our belonging to a bad mold issue in our old home. There was only one thing she really missed, and I was able to replace, her favorite stuffed cat she had picked out for herself. (She doesn't know it's not the exact same one though.) We later asked what she wanted to have that she used to have, and we would get it for her. She has asked for a toy stroller for her cat and some lego. She has a few more toys now, but she mostly plays with a couple of her favorites. A lot of her play is imaginary play involving the most random things, or "crafting" with paper, glue, scissors... We also read A LOT and she does watch tv from the internet while I'm on the computer (she sits in my lap so she isn't alone).
I already knew she wasn't very attached to things. She has refused to choose a free gift for example. Once running errands in the city, I asked her if she wanted to go to the toy store. "No mom, let's just go home!" was her response. At Christmas last year she didn't get that much, but at half point of opening her gifts she claimed: "This is the last one!" and she wanted to give away some of the toys she got. She will sometimes give something to me and say that she doesn't need it and we should give it some other child. So I'm really, REALLY trying to make the point to family and friends to not give her toys. They will probably end up being donated as she just won't play with them.
I love the "three gifts because that's how many Jesus got" - but we actually won't be giving our daughter three gifts yet, because she will get from others as well. Later perhaps we will give three but it won't be all toys. She is only now starting to "get" birthdays, and has wishes. She wants glue and glitter (oh dear...) and a camera. Yes, she has been talking about the camera... she used to have my old pocket camera. So I think we will get her a small pocket camera for her birthday, and that's it. She is turning four.. but all she wants is to create stuff (and read). She has not talked about wanting one single toy.
We are doing the Christmas child gift boxes and she is excited about that :) So I definitely want to focus more on giving, less on receiving.
We are pretty minimalist as a family, and now more than ever since the mold stuff.. and it's definitely a relief that she doesn't want to have a lot of stuff, and doesn't hang on to every thing.
This is awesome. I love it. We recently downsized our toys and got rid of a lot of stuff. We kept blocks, dolls and doll clothes, dress up stuff, play tools, and play kitchen stuff. As I type that, it still sounds like a lot, but let me tell you, it's a LOT better than it was.
I appreciate you writing this blog to let others know how great it is to just get rid of stuff.
Thank you!
What a wonderful post and so in line with what we try and do as a family!
My kids are 2 and 11 months and while I haven't taken away all their toys they have very few and will continue to have very few. We have many books, blocks, a few dress up items and a little play kitchen with a few items. I also recycled old formula cans, shoe boxes, yogurt containers etc to become their kitchen items. It's turned out to be much better for us!
I also decided to turn OFF the TV during the day back in January. I had it on just to have it on and it was pointless. After I turned it off my toddler kept asking for it to be on. I didn't realize that she was actually watching it and felt she needed it on too. :( This was a wake up call and I knew I was doing the right thing. After a week we got used to it and our "addiction" to it went away. That was 10 months ago and we're still going strong! We now fill our time cooking, building towers and reading.
During birthdays we ask that any money people were going to our girls to buy a gift, give to a specific thing we wrote about in the birthday party invitation. When our first daughter turned 1 we asked they give money to our church because we wanted a playground for our little ones but it wasn't in the budget. The whole time our church was raising money by donation. Shortly thereafter the playground was built and our girls will enjoy it for years to come. For her second birthday we asked the money be given to her to donate through Kiva.org. Kiva is a wonderful organization helping people in other countries who don't have access to banks or resources to start their own businesses but want to make something of themselves and a good life for their family. She got $250 and was able to help 4 separate people and when she gets paid back from them she'll pick others to give to.
Christmas is harder though. I haven't found a nice way to ask people to do something else. Actually our parents are the problem, our sweet moms in fact. They go all out crazy for Christmas and I hate it. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I don't know what to say (they're both gift givers and toy lovers). I would like to limit it to 3 items per child (instead of 6 or more they each get) if not only 1 gift. In our home we give one gift. We focus more on experiences than things. And as the girls get older we're going to do more missions wise. I.e. Operation Christmas Child, food pantry's, giving our time to serve others, etc. We ask for a zoo membership to our local zoo and would rather have families do something similar. But we're not sure how to ask.
My husband and I did this exact thing about a month ago! Amazing how great things were around here without all the toys to pick up and fight over! We began giving a thing or two back in the last couple weeks... BIG mistake!! My daughters room is a disaster again!! She is almost 8. We have noticed ungreatfulness too, not something that we have taught!!! I think this time, the toys will be going for good! There will be books, art supplies and two types of toys... thats all!! I also have baskets for types of toys and started that when my daughter and son were about 2 so that they could easily find, and put away toys. It SAVES time, since life IS short. ;) Great post!! THANKS!
I think the idea of not spoiling your children is GREAT! We live in one of the most materialistic countries on the planet. I'm not so sure I agree with the method here, but if it makes your life happy, then that's good. I'm a believer that the best way to teach our children is by being their example.. So for example, what kind of cookware do you use? Is it nice? Couldn't you do with something less. The bottom line here is we could ALL do with SOMETHING less. I'm not saying kids should have a ton of toys. Mine don't. And we buy clothes at yardsales. My daughter gets excited over a box of hand-me-downs. I can only dream of having a space designated to "playroom". We don't visit places like Key West for sure. No ipads, tv, or kindles here. They have their toys, but the important part I think is that if they saw a child who was lonely or sad and had nothing, they would want to give something to them. If we make life about "well you really don't need all this stuff", how much do we ourselves really not need?