Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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I was sort of on the fence about this, but I think that I may try something similar-one small bit of toys in their rooms and then keep a few boxes of toys upstairs on rotation. We moved a year or so ago, and when we get those toys that were boxed up and put upstairs out, it's like christmas. And really, there are not that many toys that my children would play with. You know, toys that come in every happy meal in the USA, the busted ones, the toys and games that are missing bits and pieces...when a space is clean and uncluttered, you feel more at peace. We are a nation of hoarders. This is a positive way to counter that tendency.
Just now reading this, but about a month ago I took away all my son's toys as well. For the same reason, he didn't want to pick them up. I feel it has helped him learn to appreciate what little bit he does have.
We have always talked about money with our kids. Like Daddy has to work one hour so you can have this, is it worth it? My kids do have an excess in stuff and when they were little we had issues with them breaking stuff. When we moved a few months ago.... oops more than 1/2 their stuff made it's way to the thrift store. I agree that they do like having less. I find that even my 12 year old sits with the littles to play legos, they go outside more and definitely more happy. My kids never ask for things in stores simply because they are aware that we are a little tight on money.... and if they really love it will get is as a gift later. I think teaching children about money and how much it takes to get it also needs to be taught. I think what you did with your children was wonderful!
I guess my question is what you think about this with regards to younger children? Like toddlers? My 14 month old daughter is so difficult to keep entertained all day. I'd be interested in doing this, but I think I would end up having to sit with her all day so she didn't get bored! Ha ha.
I got rid of a bunch of my 17 month old daughter's toys (the plastic junk) and she doesn't even realize it. She has so much more fun with adult stuff anyways. She plays with my necklaces, bowls in the cabinet, chopsticks from the drawers, ribbons, shoes, etc.
Check out Reggio inspired play ideas at http://www.letthechildrenplay.net/
Do you think it would have worked if you only had one child? Your girls have each other to play with, what if they didn't?
Many activities can fill one's day without toys. It definitely works. I'm an only child and grew up with a limited amount of toys. I spent most of my time outdoors making friends and exploring and playing without any toys happily by myself using things like trees, sticks, dirt and imagination. When I was indoors I spent my time reading and creating art with the books and art materials I had, I sang and made music with pots and pans, and I used my imagination to create make-believe worlds (I had a few dress-up items, a doll and a few stuffed animals). I helped my parents cook and bake (LOVED doing that), they played games with me even though I wasn't that annoying kid who begged their parents to play with them (really, I just asked and they said I never went out of my way to try to play with them), I spent a great deal talking to family members who lived far away and I did chores. Think about it, I went to daycare or school until 3ish and I was in bed by 8ish so that's only like, five hours to fill on weekdays and on the weekends I'd watch some cartoons, maybe go to the beach or pool, and visit family and friends (even if we didn't do those things it was fine). I never remember feeling bored or lonely. I was totally content hanging out with myself both indoors and outdoors without toys. I had a loving family, a healthy home environment, and plenty of friends. Maybe that's why I didn't have the need for "toys." Maybe when you have healthy relationships and a happy life, you don't need validation from or create unhealthy attachments to material objects?
Ruth this post is so so close to what I've been trying to do for years and just haven't taken the plunge! Makes me want to sit down and have awesome talks with you that I had at Blissdom two years ago!! Miss you :)
Loved this post! I struggle with this and so do my boys! I would love to take away all their toys but I am not sure I have the guts to do it! Something for me to think about for sure!
Hi Ruth! I am super excited to connect to you... especially since we are going to be Blissdom Roomies! SO SO nice to meet you!
So this post. Wow. WOW. Can I just tell you that this post pierces me in a beautiful way.
I, like you did, feel my children slipping into that deep cliff of "not enough. not enough. not enough." And I want to rescue them from it? Why?? Because I slip down it all the time. And it IS a pit! One where the devourer leaves unsatisfied. When I decided to leave a comment to tell you how much this post means to me, and how encouraged I am that I CAN make a difference for my kids' benefits... I was taken aback at some of the negative comments you got. But then again...I reflect on the commenter that said, "If I took away all their stuff, I would have to take away mine." Here is the thing. We are SPOILED in this country... and at the same time, so so sad. The countries that rate the highest for depression are the richest; the happiest? Those with nothing. I feel this Rich poison in our own home, and your post simply encouraged me that I CAN do something about it. I CAN simplify. {I liked Elizabeth Langford's idea of rotating toys to minimize!}. Thank you for writing this and I really can't wait to chat with you about it in person!
Darlene, I am SO SO excited to meet you at Blissdom as well, and WOW it sounds like we definitely have a LOT to talk about! This post was written last September but in the past 6 months I have only been more convicted of the need to just have less--both for my kids and myself. Can't wait to chat in person--less than 2 weeks now! :-) xoxo
I did not read all the comments and I see this is an older story but I wanted to add my 2 cents. My husband and I worked and we had 2 small children and every weekend we would do something with the kids which included buying them junk they did not need. I decided one morning with no planing to quit my job of 6 six years to stay home with my babies. Boy was I in for a shock. I didn't realize how much we spent on things that we didn't need and no longer working we couldn't buy things like we once had. I, like you saw first hand on my 3 year old what getting everything she wanted had really cost. She felt like she deserved everything all the time and that was my fault. I have been home 9 months now and have spent the last 4 on a journey to simplify our home and life, this has been super hard as I am a shopaholic by nature. What a hard year but the difference in my oldest now 4 is amazing. She is very overwhelmed with her room and toys and I may just go thru and donate half and put the rest on a rotation like others did. I think you are doing your children right and they will thank you when they are older if not now.
Hi Ruth,
I need some ideas. My kids are asking me to take away their toys - we have a big toy room and they hate cleaning it up. BUT my husband thinks I'm crazy and that it's mean. Any suggestions how I can convince him.
ALSO what do you do with all the papers that the kids generate - meaning art and pictures? I never have time for scrapbooking! Would it be OK to throw them out? Right now they are thrown into a drawer per child, but guess what, the drawer is overflowing! I feel overwhelmed by stuff!! Help!
Do you have a digital camera? Take a picture of each creation before you throw it out. Then you can create a digital scrapbook.
I have been reading a book about organizing small spaces and loved the suggestion made about children's school papers, etc. She said each school year collect the papers and art in a box. At the end of the year, the parent and the child go through the papers together choosing their favorites that will fit in one yellow manilla envelope. Also for any science projects, large artwork, etc. you take a picture of the art or the child with the project, then print it and put the pic in that yellow envelope. Don't forget awards and certificates! Then label the envelope with the child's name and grade in school. Keep all the envelopes in a box to give your child after they leave home. It's a box of their memories!
This is such a great idea. We did something similar with our children but didn't do the manilla envelope. We had a keepsake box for each child and when they had a special paper I would put the date on the back and put it in the box. It turned out great, but the manilla envelopes idea is an improvement.
As far as your husband is concerned--perhaps you could make a compromise. Box up the 80% or so of the toys they don't really play with and put them in the garage or basement or attic. Tell your husband that if they ask for something specific, you will give it back, but whatever they go a month without missing, you will give away. I did that our first go-round and my husband had a much easier time with it. Now he is as gung-ho as I am! :-)
Regarding the papers....my strategy is to have a big bin in their closet that I put most of the papers and artwork into. When it gets full I keep the best ones in a 2nd keepsake bin and toss the rest. It's okay to throw out the ones that aren't that special. I also toss stuff as we go along--anything they didn't put a lot of effort into goes in the trash right away.
Hope that helps, so sorry for taking so long to respond! :-)