Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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This is the best blog post ever!!!! oh i would so love to do this but my husband is a hoarder when it comes to the kids toys.
I need to do something like this. Our kids have too much stuff and their wanting/begging for more all the time drives me nuts. Not sure I would get rid of everything, but I would love to get rid of half of it. Thanks for the food for thought and sharing how it went for you and your family.
KC
Just stumbled on your blog when a friend shared in on facebook, and I have to say I LOVE this article! My husband and I are newlyweds, and hoping to start our little family soon. :) And this just really inspired me. We don't have a lot of money, so I've actually worried that we won't be able to buy our kids tons of nice toys. This post literally almost made me cry, thinking of how beautiful life with our children can be...BECAUSE we don't have all those toys. Thanks so much for sharing, and for inspiring me to live a little simpler.
Now, I just may spend my weekend getting rid of some things I don't need. :)
I did not have time to read all the comments, but what is very qurious for me is what was the process of "winning" the things back for the girls? I am namy time close to the point of performing a similar action with my kids staff, partially because of the cleaning, particlaly, because they have way too much and what is even worth, kid's things occupy 80 % of our living space and there seem to be no end to their wishes. So, once I have emprissoned all their staffed animals. But I have not managed the giving back process as they will need at least some of the things to play with. Another question: when you packed things away, which of the things stayed? were that only books and coloring books? Looking forward for advice :)
Thank you for this post! It was shared with me when I posted in a fb group about being at that "breaking point" with my daughter. I felt that the overwhelm of stuff was a distraction, not only from productive and healthy behavior, but also from respectful interaction between my daughter and me. I'm a believer!
Hi Ruth,
I wanted to commend you and thank you for posting this--I know it takes a lot of courage to post anything about parenting. I really appreciated your insight into this. I am finding myself agreeing with you about this. My boys have a TON of toys and it seems that the more they receive, the more they want. I know the toys are given with good intentions and with a kind heart, but I think my boys really only play with a handful of their toys. We bagged some of my oldest son's toys up and "hid" them in our basement for a while because he refused to clean up his room and he really hasn't missed them at all. We are moving in six weeks or so and I'm thinking there will be quite a few toys that make it into the give away pile. I love the idea of keeping only those toys that actually stimulate creative thought and play. Just wanted to send you a little encouragement and let you know that I appreciated your frankness. Blessings to you, Ruth!
--Shannon
I think it's a brilliant solution. You followed through with a promised consequence, and that's completely fair. Just this week I decided that the kids will only be allowed on electronics on Saturdays and even then it would be limited. Since establishing and maintaining that rule, my older girls (age 11 and 8) decided to use their free time to write their first "novels". I told them that if they completed and illustrated their books, I would "publish" them (aka print them off into a hard-bound book via my publisher.com or equivalent. It's been so fun listening to them bounce ideas off each other and draw sketches of their characters.
I have realized that my children (including my younger two daughters, age 2 and 4) play MORE when they have LESS! When there are too many toys, they get disinterested and want me to entertain them. I have been planning a gigantic purging of their things for a while now, but your post inspired me to get it DONE. Thank you.
Wow! I'm so amazed that somebody else out there believes that children now a days are more concerned with what the next person has or what they don't have rather than what they do. I constantly talk to my 3 brothers n mom about how we weren't allowed to watch T.V. and had to use our imaginations to play. One because we couldn't afford luxuries because my mom was going to school, and two because my mom was so hung up on enjoying the natural things in life (she; however, had a huge advantage because she lived on a mountain and free range). I try and teach my three year old daughter that she doesn't need a toy that we have a wonderful park right acroos the street with a jungle gym that she gets to share with her little friends. And, I too, do not that she does not have a closet full of toys, nor does she have a T.V. that she sits and watches all day long. Being a 28year old mom, I too am able to enjoy the outdoors because playing with her allows me to be healthy and fit. So with that said, I enjoyed reading your blog! Keep up the great work, that the only people raising your children is your husband and yourself!
Ruth, Know that you are not alone in this! We went a few steps further to Clothing. So not only did I pack up the "Toy Room" and make that into a guest room but i also went through the gazillion clothes they had. I ended up taking 12 leaf lawn garbage bags to Good Will (YES 12). It is a struggle to keep the clothes to a minimum with 6 people in the house and still feel like they can express themselves through the clothes that they have. However they appreciate the ones that they do have now and take care of them.
it seems that all of the parenting things that we learn from others experiences are things we tend to know deep down in our hearts and once we implement them I feel as if I always knew them just didn't trust my instinct.