Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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#projectsimplify365: After spending many hours on Sat. and Sun. cleaning and reorganizing the stuff in their room, I was at the end of my rope. Today I read this and it clicked. I am thrifty by nature and we NEVER impulse buy. I thought we were relatively streamlined for a family of 7 but after wasting the whole weekend I realized I was wrong. We prayed together before we purged and wouldn't you know it our devotional was also about discontentment today.
The girls admitted they were tired of wasting so much time fighting, organizing, cleaning and searching for stuff. We just did it...and our 3 oldest girls 11, 8, 7... actually said they felt and I quote, "Happy, lighter, less stressed, and excited!"
75% of what they had is now in 6 large garbage bags ready to donate. Also purged a ton of clothes and some toys from our two baby girls 2 and 6 months (all the electronic stuff had to go)
I feel lighter too! They cleaned up their "mess" after playing today and it only took 5 mins as opposed to 1-2 hours. What is even better, a small but powerful miracle, they got along for the entire remainder of the day without fighting even once! I know what works for us may not be right for everyone but this has already proven to be a good choice for our family. Thank you for this article, my daughters thank you as well for the quality time they can enjoy together now!
Veronica Shelton Matthew Walk Joyce Leigh Jamie Flood Sury Fabré Linda Medina
Ruth,
I truly think what you've done is excellent. I have many times wanted to do this myself, but I stop because of fear. Fear I will scar them, just like you said. I, myself, need to purge and get rid of but I think I may need or use that someday. Honestly, because I am too attached to stuff. I was also a very discontent kid and still have a lot of moments where I feel discontentment and I'm seeing it in my oldest daughter and I don't like it. I commend you for what you've done!
Our family has gone through a purging process as well, and find we are so much happier with our limited possessions. We are a family of 12 that live in an RV, traveling, by choice. My children have very limited toys with them. We limit gifts for birthday/Christmas, and prefer experiences (go karts or zoo visit) or consumables (art kits) instead of 'things'. Life is much simpler when you own your possessions instead of your possessions owning you...
I really don't know you, nor have I read your blog. I do have to say you are right there are many " distractions" in this world. And if we don't get a hold of them, they will get out of control. I personally see this next germeration not caring about people at all with all the tech. Stuff . We don't have to care what others think, or say cause we can delete their comments and as far as seeing them, we'll we have FaceTime for that.
More importantly with all these " distractions" then they become idols in our lives which then pushes us further away from God.
I too have gone that fed up with too many distractions and so I need to get rid of such and such. Then it amazes me is that new distractions will come play, and then more idols will want to come . So where does it stop? By putting God first! So kudos to you by living simple, and having more!
I very much enjoyed this article and it's very sad to see so many people upset w/the prospect of taking your children's toys away. It just proves that we are a consumer-driven society. Life is about more (SO much more) than possessions, not about more more possessions. I've read this lovely article about children around the world and their toys: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/children-world-show-favorite-toys-article-1.1310055
Some children only have one item or two and I'm sure it doesn't affect them in some huge, horrible adverse way. I know that my husband and I will try to teach our children what you've taught yours. To find happiness in the world and within themselves, not in cheap plastic, frivolous things.
I have been very frustrated at times with the clutter and the mess that my children made when they were small, but in the end I realized I would rather have the clutter and the mess than have them gone. And they will be gone one day and suddenly you realize how unimportant the mess and the clutter really is. I am so sorry that you haven't realized this yet and also sorry for you when you do realize. It will be a sad day, children are so much more important than a clean house.
Cindy, I think you've missed the point and spirit of this blog post. Ruth's frustration was not with the clutter her children created. Her great concern was the lack of contentment her children were displaying. Having things creates a desire for more things. Read through the post, again, and you will see that she and her husband discussed this discontentment for hours. It was the clutter and lack of responsibility toward the toys that was the catalyst for removing the toys. The things were not removed to have a clean house, the things were removed to change a greedy heart attitude.
I just found this through a friends Pinterest, and I loved it. I completely agree with you. My 8 year old daughter has enough barbies, dolls, stuffed animals, journals, etc., she could entertain a country of children. It's really sad. My two boys are the same. So much stuff. But it's not just toys and books, it's also clothes. Ever since my children were infants, they have had more clothes than they could possibly wear. Within the last few months, I have decided to start downsizing. Major. I started with my closet. I am working my way to my kids toys. This post has given me more hope to finish because it can get discouraging, plus sometimes I feel like I'm doing my children an injustice by not swallowing them in toys. Thank you!
You do all know that this only works if your child isn't acutely aware of being poor, right? For actual, very poor children it really hurts. A lot. For upper class kids: remember to explain to them that, world over, having just one special toy is Normal.
I think that if you called it a "one toy policy" (you're letting them keep their favourite stuffed animal, so that seems closer, anyway) people wouldn't freak out so much.
WARNING to parents of INFANTS and TODDLERS: 24-30 months and under children use toys to develop important skills regarding dexterity, coordination, self entertaining, imagination, and problem solving. Of course, they will also be content to do this with sticks or pots and pans, but I find the clean up much easier with toys.
So doing this
This was a great post! We have a semi-finished basement that we turned into a play room. We boxed up all the 'little junk toys', and kept a few items--puzzles, board games, dress up items, a dollhouse with accessories in a box on a shelf out of reach, limited stuffed animals to a few that fit on each child's bed, legos and a box of building blocks. Minus the stuffed animals, all of these are in the basement with no clutter, many things only in reach of an adult. Our kids' rooms are completely toy free. They have books and that's it. My daughter had no books for a while, but she showed that she could clean them up and she had them returned. It's wonderful! Like you, we kept some things, but they get one at a time and the rest of the time they're doing art projects, reading or using their imaginations for role play type games. Not a lot has changed because we never had electronics, but the mess is gone. I completely understand your impulse! It's certainly not about depriving children, it's about having a healthy balance and teaching them to live intentionally. Great to hear that you extended your process to include you and your husband! My husband has no problem, but I have a family who continues to shower me with gifts on a regular basis, even at age 35--kitchen stuff, tools we don't need, clothes, books, home decorating items....it's overwhelming and I really can't stop them and it's hard to move things on that they look for when they visit. Working on it, though!