Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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This post is great! I have been struggling with my 5 year old and his massive amount of junk in his playroom. It is always a mess and he never wants to clean it. I have threatened and threatened to take all his toys away. Maybe I will actually do it. Or at least a lot of them. We always go through and donate toys when he gets new ones, but he still has an obscene amount of stuff. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs in YOUR parenting. I read another great blog that talked about moms not comparing themselves to other moms, that all of us are the best we can be, that we are good enough the way we are. Maybe the moms that are judging you for this should take a step back and realize that your parenting is your parenting. Thank you again!
What an inspiration! I have been at a loss with all the clutter. Things pretty much feel apart for me 4 years ago. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd baby. All Boy's practically 2 years apart. My Husband of 8 years (we were together a total of 10) decided he would leave. With Hormones raging I thought I was going to loose my mind. I had a 4yr old, 2yr old and one on the way. I cried every moment of the day. My heart was broke. I hurt for my children who wanted their daddy as much as I did. Don't get me wrong our life was not a dream world. We moved in with my Parents shortly after my dad found out he was in the final stage of Cancer that was basically all over his body. This was 1 year before we married. 3 months to the day that we found out my dad was sick he passed away. My mom was devastated and lost. A strong woman who pushed on to care for her mother & family even though she was very sad. 3 months following her loosing the man she loved her mother passed. All of this weighing her down physically & emotionally. We packed up to travel 1500 miles to reunite my grandmother with her Love, my Grandpa, who had passed several years earlier. My mom not well survived the 2 weeks and we returned home. Still not feeling well we took her to the hospital where she was admitted for a bad case of Pneumonia. Day's passed and time went by. On my Wedding Day she was there. My Best Friend my Mother. The woman who always took care of it all. She walked me down the aisle and gave me away. In February 2004 she had an Aneurysm rupture in her brain. Taken by Helicopter to Tampa General 2 hours from our home for treatment. My world was crashing. 7 hours of brain surgery to stop the bleeding and a month of being kept in a medicated coma not knowing if she would recover or even if she would know her family if she did. Long story short she did recover somewhat. She could no longer drive and could no longer live on her own. My youngest Brother who was only 14 needed cared for and I stepped up. My mom was the one person who had always been there for me and it was my turn to return the deed. Life was a struggle. 2 homes 3 families all on one property. With that said let me back to where things seem to fall apart for me. With dad & grandma passing & mom recovering I now had 2 homes filled with all of their things and not sure what to do with any of it. I have never been very Materialistic (I thought but maybe I am). Everyone was like just throw it out get rid of it. My emotions & heart spoke for me. These Items were now my mothers and she was not gone. I had no right to throw items out..... Did I (?). I packed up things that I thought she may someday want and began moving them into storage so they were out of the way but here if she wanted them. Storage is where they still sit today. Mom was no longer mom. What happened to the woman who was my best friend? She hated me and her actions spoke volumes. She wanted to be dead. She missed my dad and felt she had nothing. (still wishes she was even with 5 children, 14 grand, 5 greatgrands) I still care for mom and would never turn my back to her. In 2009 my husband left. My youngest at the time cried every single night from that point on for the next 4 years. With their mommy crying about everything they where always asking if I am sad. I remember on day just as the sun was coming up I was laying in bed a fat & pregnant emotional mess, crying & praying about our life. My 2yr old wakes from his sleep me not noticing him watching me, moves closer to me and says "Don't cry Mommy Daddy home soon." I lost it I wrapped him in my arms held him tight and said I know baby everything is going to be ok. I gave birth shortly after that day to a healthy baby boy.... or so I thought. 1 hour after birth as my husband says he is leaving (yes he came for the birth) I coughed and was embarrassed as I thought I peed the bed. Still Numb from epidural he said just tell the nurse she will clean it up, I'll call later and out the door he's gone. My sister returning I told her & at the moment everything changed. I felt my life draining. Most of it is a blur. The nurse yelled calling codes, people running in & out of the room. I remember my Doctor coming in and saying I am so sorry this is going to hurt like Hell. Someone then asks if I will accept blood. I was hemorrhaging. All I could think of is my 3 sweet babies & the man I Loved who just walked out the door. Praying that God would not take me from them because i was all they had. I survived obviously. The next year was a long road. I had the baby blues, I was depressed, I wasn't sleeping but maybe 3 hours a night & he had filed for a divorce. This could not be my life. I worked so hard to get here. I was 30 when I got married & 33 before I had our 1st baby. Where did I go wrong? I kept pushing along. Cleaning & cleaning & cleaning. I felt like I never got to shower or even use the bathroom. I was now a single parent doing everything on top of being a caregiver to my mom & helping & supporting my sister & her family. Can you say Door Mat because that is what I have become. There is not 1 room in my house that I am happy with. There is clutter everywhere. It is like I am breeding Trash. A year after the birth of my 3rd son my doctor diagnoses me with Thyroid disease. She said I do not even know how you get up out of bed. My response was I have no choice they depend on me. I have ADD and it has always been a struggle to keep on track in everything I do. I am a list maker & loser lol. With all that was going on now I deal with a Thyroid that does not work, Depression & ADD. Now taking medication for the rest of my life. Blood work every 3 months to monitor everything and raise meds as needed. Due to my Thyroid I now have to take Cholesterol Medication as well. Daily chores are a struggle. I am a single mommy of 3, a caregiver, Self employed royal mess. I want a clean organized home. I work on it everyday. Someday's are better then others. I have threatened to pack it all but then I feel bad and do not follow through. After reading this, Today I will pack it all and remove it from our home. My boy's are great kids but they have become ungrateful & greedy. The worst part of it..... I made them this way. I guess I was over compensating for their dad not being here for them. He is busy making a life with his GF and her children, seeing ours every other weekend from Sat.10/11am until Sunday 6pm. He has always been welcome to visit anytime in between and I have even invited him for Dinners & Play dates at the park. His choice not to. I handle every school function, Drs appt., Holiday etc. Anyway back to it. They are my life I love them with all I am & never in a million years was I trying to make them greedy. They know how to play my heart. I am learning to ignore the tears & the begging. It has been a struggle but one day at a time. Today will be a big shock when they return from school and the mess is gone and the room is empty. I really think this will be a Giant step for me as a mom and getting things in my life back on track. I hate seeing all of the mess. It is not only depressing but it really weighs me down. I get lost in it all and do not know where to start. Thanks for sharing this time in your life to help others like me see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am focused and looking for ours. God Bless
Did you really name your kid "Princess"?
No, it's just a pet name. :) Can't be too careful on the internet!
omgosh....Reading this post for the first time and I LOVE it. As I was reading your words, I felt like I could write this! Good for you and I can relate completely on many levels! Thank you for this! I needed to hear it! I once took ALL my sons toys out of his room to bins in the basement and he only wanted a few back (which he earned). There are still 2 bins full of toys from a month ago that he's never even ask back for!. Again, thank you! My kids are 2 1/2yrs (girl) and 5(boy)
Oh, how I've fantasized about doing the same thing. I usually use the threat, "You have thirty minutes to pick up whatever you see on the floor and put it where it belongs, and if I come back and see no change to this room, I'm coming back with a plastic bag and grabbing everything I see on the floor and donating it." That usually gets tears from one or both of them--along with protestations of "But that's not enough time!" or "But we don't know where to put everything!" That second comment, to me, means they have more stuff than their room can hold. They have shelves and drawers for their toys (Barbies, baby dolls, doll clothes, Barbie doll clothes, ponies, etc.) and for their yarn and art/craft supplies, but their room is overflowing, and the only way I see out of that is a serious purge.
The downstairs playroom is also a disaster. I'm hitting that room first. Dominic plays with one toy for all of five minutes before he moves to something else, and everything gets left on the floor. Not worth it. NOBODY likes to spend time in that room, right now, so the room is basically unused for most of the day.
Thank you for the inspiration! :)
Your blog seriously offends me to the point of rage! I can imagine my stepmom doing that manipulation to her children. You almost remind me of that "Mommie Dearest" Joan Crawford with what feels like absolute control over your children's toys. (Joan Crawford, from what I remember in the movie let her adopted daughter Christina keep only one out of ten toys gifts she received, and made her give the rest to charity, probably for tax exemptions or something). Would you like it if your parents did that to you? How about somebody step in & take away every material thing of YOURS? Contradict me all you want on this! I won't be changing my mind!
My parents always counseled me at the toy store about what they would buy me and then I had money to buy my own stuff. We were never denied things like in Mommy Dearest. The things they bought us weren't always traditional "everybody's-got-one-so-I-need-one-too" items. Sometimes it was spurred on by a genuine interest in a subject. Thus, one--very appreciated--gift my parents gave me was a medical encyclopedia (because I keep reading the old ones on the shelf), craft books, a chemistry set, and charcoal pencils. And Dad was good for a fruitful trip to the library regularly.
My mom is the queen of redirection. One time I was down at the gas fireplace and was charring burnt matches, finding I could write on the tiles with the charred wood. I got a big-time scolding by Mom for that. (You'll get burned, get away from that, don't play with it, etc.) Then the next day she came home with a charcoal pencil set plus a big notebook of art paper. It surprised me, to say the least! But it also told me that Mom wanted to promote my creativity, not hold things away from me.
And when it was Back-to-School shopping time, we allowed ourselves to buy a number of nifty creative things for home (no, we couldn't bring them to school, more's the pity).
Mom never bought dolls for us (that's a whole different subject) but she did not object to us buying stuff with our own allowances. And, yeah, there were things we had to earn back. There were also things that were threatened to be put on my Gram's bonfire! That made us pick up whatever it was fairly quickly!
I have on occasion usually as a punishment removed all of my sons ( he's three) toys and he has too earn them back ( usually after he has trashed his room and i do mean trashed). he has never asked for one of them. last week i removed 2/3 of his clothes as these get strewn around his room when he is not happy and tidied into the dirty washing basket instead of put away. so everything size 4 and over was packed away til he out wears or out grows what he has. however this post which i found today has inspired me to pack up all his toys this week. sort thru them and discard what he doesn't love. most of it he wont miss but if given the option gets quite upset about giving some of his toys away.
I commented a couple days ago, forgot one thing...my daughter was so happy to not have so much "stuff" that we came up with a way to keep it under control (after all, she is still an only grandchild with a grandma who LOVES to shop)...for every new item she receives, she has to choose an older one to donate to someone else. It keeps the clutter under control, and she knows she's helping someone else who might not have as much.
I find it a little ironic that I got the link for this from a store's (Kohl's) Pinterest page. That said, my husband and I have started to do this without realizing we were doing it. We have boxes of toys, many unopened, in our garage, waiting for Christmas to donate them to families that have much less. We're probably 40-50% purged, if I had to guess. Here is my one concern, and I hope you've figured this out since you've been at this for a year -- how do you get other people (grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.) to stop buying for your kids at holidays and birthdays? I find they just perpetuate the problem and I don't know how to make it stop.
We moved recently. The kids' toys didn't get unpacked right away. They were so busy playing outside and with each other that it didn't really enter my mind that they needed to be unpacked. I've pulled out a few of their toys and they do play with them, but the rest remain in boxes. I will finish sorting through them, store some to possibly pull out at a later date while putting some of their current ones away and give many away. There are times I think they still have too many toys. This is a work in progress, but I totally understand and agree that kids don't need all the toys that they can end up with. I like the idea of keeping the toys up and pulling out a toy for the day. I may have to try that. Thank you.