Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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As a 22 year old who was never without and had plenty of toys, I can honestly say this blog really brought back memories of my childhood. I was my happiest when reading or playing imaginary games with my friends that rarely involved toys. I can't imagine being a kid today surrounded by technology. Bravo!
Thank you for writing about this subject! I think we've been on a similar path. I just wanted to suggest a book you might not have read called Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne - in it he details *why* simplifying has such a profound effect on our children's social emotional and spiritual health. I've felt very supported by our school community (Waldorf Education) in getting rid of almost all toys - our play based kindergartens have fewer toys in them than almost any home I've ever visited. I'll be spending a lot of time here reading now, we're about to move into an 800 sq ft house - my husband,me, our almost 14 yr old daughter, and 6 and 9 yr old sons (the two eldest boys are in their 20's out in the world) I came here through your clutter free Forever vintage homemaking article by the way. Thank you!
Thanks for the book tip, I just ordered it from the library! Because I use the library, I have decluttered many, many kids books (also have gotten rid of so many toys). Our town also has a toy library, so I'm planning to join that in the fall. My theory is that they will actually play with the toys from the toy library because they know they can only have it for a week. The novelty won't wear off as quick.
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We went on a family trip and stayed in a hotel for a few nights. I brought 1 toy for my kids to play with and I was surprised that they enjoyed playing with it the whole trip. That made me realize that they really don't need all of their toys. I haven't gotten rid of everything, but I have tried to cut down and most of the time they don't even notice!! You are inspiring me to go through their room right now!! We are not at home a lot anyways. We are usually outside so they really don't spend a lot of time with their toys anyways. I am still having a hard time working up the courage to get rid of everything!
I feel like this can be a good ideo but also a horrible idea as well. I'm not a mother because I'm a teenager. I don't think you should take everything because some toys might have sentimental value and losing that can be a very emotional experience. Don't buy new toys but give away ones that have grown out of.
I can speak from personal experience having had to put up with this kind of crap growing up....it is not at all and never is a good idea, it's only horrible and a horrible experience. Given that it was fairly long ago, I can't speak as to how much each individual toy or set of toys was used or not, but that sort of thing doesn't matter when it comes to something like this. Really the only thing going through my mind when it happened, besides incomprehensible rage, was how those things were mine and they were being stolen from me. Whether parents are the ultimate authority in the house or not, that doesn't not entitle them to act however they wish or to take away things that belong to their kids...in fact, I'd argue parents stealing from their kids is worse than a lot of what people normally associate with theft. All it ever did was breed hatred and resentment in me towards my mom (since she was the one who primarily resorted to such appalling courses of action), and to this day I *still* have a lot of resentment for her and still kind of hate her...
The only good way to go about reducing the amount of stuff in the house is to actually involve the kids in the process and to lead by example. The parents shouldn't get out scott-free from cleaning out stuff, if the kids have to cut down on belongings too, then the parents should as well. Whether the cleaning out and going through stuff to figure out what to get rid of is mandatory or not, the kids should have a lot of input on what actually stays or goes.
Toys they never play with probably don't have much sentimental value, so why keep them?
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My husband and I have been slowly eliminating our kids' toys. It's amazing just how bored they can get with so many toys on hand. Once we get it down to a more manageable amount, we're going to try and have them get rid of a toy every time they receive one as a gift.
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I love your article! A friend just posted it on Facebook today, and I devoured your thoughts. Brilliant work - I've felt the need to get rid of excess, despite only having a 1,500 sq ft house! Still too much "junk" lies around, pointlessly collecting dust and cat hair.
Thanks!
Jen