Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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As a former child who's toys were taken from me this screams abuse. Their new attention while on trips sounds a lot like them pushing down their own emotions. I hope you're prepare in case they resent you later in life.
I am really distressed to hear that some of you believe that taking away toys for weeks and months at a time is a good thing. I am absolutely opposed to that and think that it is destroying their self-worth and you are Breaking their spirit. Not every child is designed the way you want them to be but they are born with a sense of self already. It is really sad that you all are not uplifting them and encouraging them to be who they are. The parents or caregivers that do this clearly have a hard time letting go of their power over someone weaker and smaller than them. I don’t care if you disagree with me but that’s my take on it and I know that having raised three kids and essentially three grandkids they have turned out amazing and I never had to use those ridiculous tactics. Now that I have someone treating one of my grandkids in that fashion I am disgusted and at the end of my ropes. I will absolutely have to speak my truth and let them know what I feel. They’ve never had kids and they don’t know what they’re doing at this point. OK, thanks. Just venting.
I completely understand your plight about materialism and empty consumerism and your reason, but you can actually harm your children by prohibiting them to "play" with toys,
Melanie Klein was a pioneering child Psychologist who wrote The Psychoanalysis Of Children was able to psychoanalyse children with the method of using toys to help them express and work out their psychology,
So bottom line, it's ALL about balance isn't it?, but you CAN actually be harming your children by not allowing them to play with toys.
From reading this article it is clear you have borderline personality disorder. Your kids were not cured of materialism they irritated you and by cause and effect you took away the only things they own. Now that they effectively have nothing, they behave because of a what if fear, if they complain about not liking a meal you made they fear you won’t feed them.
I’m very mixed on this, I have six children myself and no I never took all their toys or got rid of them. But what I did do is monitor what they had and only allow so many toys to be in their playroom at one time. When I noticed they were getting bored with their selections, together we would go to the attic and pick out some toys they hadn’t played with in awhile and turn the boring ones in for that time. Yes kids sometimes find more amusement with a cardboard box or pots and pans and spoons or gift wrap. But children need toys for learning and sharing. My mother took away toys and things precious to me as a child and to this day I remember those items and how is probably still have them if she didn’t take it away from me. Yes I admit I have insecurities about things and people. Major insecurities that are deep rooted and caused from my childhood. So, no I’m sorry but I don’t agree with you and what you did. I truly hope your children adjust well and do not end up with psychological turmoil like so many of us had that had parents like you.
What is with all the weird comments accusing this woman of child abuse? She didn't give them all away. Also the weirdest thing about this is when people imply they became drug runners and "carried a gun" because their parents took away toys and wouldn't let them watch movies they found questionable.
Guys. No. Kids are great and only need to go outside. I played with sticks and dirt...I loved it. I never ONCE looked back and disliked my parents or because "crazy" and "dysfunctional" because I didn't have a ton of toys.
Kids do NOT NEED TOYS. They need love, and discipline. That's what they need. Toys are not essential.
I will also add my son plays with bowls, and bottles and ignores his toys! Um so...yeah. Toys are not a big deal. Good job de-cluttering your life! The more toys I get rid of the more creative we get, a ball and a yard are all we need. Or some blocks.
I reiterate, she didn't get rid of all the toys anyway, goodness. Calm down people.
That worked in the stone age, lady. Sticks and dirt? By the way, that is a computer you're typing on. No sticks and dirt at your fingertips. Maybe we don't need to calm down; maybe you need to get a grip.
My parents did not allow me to have a lot of toys. Also anything that encourage violence was ungodly, as well as anything magical. They banned certain TV and movies all in order to protect me and ensure I grew up Godly. By the time I was 15 I was constantly running away, moving drugs, breaking into houses, fighting, and carrying a real gun. Taking everything away from your kid and making them the weirdo will make them seek out acceptance and physical rewards elsewhere.
I am a collector of things I lost as a child or rather that my mother lost or threw away or gave away...who knows. If it were me, I would have let them pick out the toys that they wanted to keep but you only kept toys that you thought....would be good for them. I hope they do not become problems for you later on. I was an habitual runaway when I was younger because my mother was that controlling. My father never forgave my grandmother because she left his microscope behind once when they moved when he was really young. Things are just things and are replaceable but to a child...things mean much more especially if you have raised them that way from the beginning. Oh well, I do not meant to be a "Karen" or insult you. I am just trying to be helpful to you. I see that so far, you have good results. Let me add that my mother was controlling and I have not had a conversation with her on the phone in years. When I was a young child, like 6 years old and older, I dreamed of the day that I would be free from her control. I was transferred out of state with my job and never looked back. I ran away 3 times when I was a kid. My mother always used to tell me...I love you but I do not like you. That is exactly how I feel about her now.
Yikes. It’s highly likely that your kids are going to end up with anxiety as adults and it will probably take them years to understand this as a root cause.
Children are supposed to have toys, self expression, some messiness. What you’ve taught them is that things can be taken away at the drop of a hat. As an adult they will be less trusting and likely distance themselves from you.
I have been wanting to do this for some time. Thank you for this post and the encouragement to step out side of the box!