Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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What an interesting post, and interesting follow-up comments. Plenty of opinions obviously!
I don't have children myself, but my brother does and I've been a babysitting or nanny since I was 11, and of course, a child myself at one time. :)
As with so much of parenting, the question of whether this act was traumatic or not completely depends on the individual personalities involved and the parent/child relationship.
I don't want to assume anything of the lives of the negative commenters but speaking as a person who gets riled about spanking articles, I can attest that it can be hard to be neutral about tough love parenting when one had an unhappy childhood in general, or specific traumas. All combined with perhaps a particularly sensitive personality.
A couple of things stood out that perhaps I would have approached differently in this situation, and have, when I have the opportunity to "parent" children I am caring for.
Again, no assumption that this training was lacking, but I have noticed that sometimes children are ordered to clean their room but are not instructed as to how to do this. Age appropriate clean-up tasks done with a patient adult with a teaching focus can help children start to be responsible for themselves and their own possessions as well as contribute to the household in general. So when the order to clean is issued, one hopes that the skills are in place for the child to complete the task successfully.
In addition, I hope that emotional and behavioral skills are taught that help children understand "stuff" in general. Until something changes in our culture, plentiful, cheap stuff will continue to be a part of our lives that we need to understand how to manage.
I think for many of us, we naturally like stuff. I think it is a human instinct to acquire. And then we attach. We do better when we learn how to manage the inflow, children included. Keeping the stuff from coming in the door somehow is a good first start.
As for the comments about the lack of stuff that children had back in the good 'ol days. I was young when that was still the case. I'm not romantic about it. I kept myself occupied by myself with crafts and reading but the lack of stuff didn't automatically mean lots of great family times. I was left to my own entertainment which I managed to do very comfortably, but I was pretty isolated and lonely and didn't really learn good social skills.
Not every child has the personality to self-occupy with crafts and reading. Some children need more physical activity, more social interaction, etc. Unless the parent can provide these things, I can see why children get bored and turn to the neurostimulation of games and tv, or if the child truly has some challenging neuropsychology, find their way into the addictions that we all want to keep children away from.
With the boundaries and rights question, I can't NOT have an emotional reaction with these topics, given my own family background. I believe in the rights of children to have a say in the treatment of their bodies and possessions though I also accept that there are many, many examples of parents needing to have the authority. I think it all comes down to love and respect in both directions.
I won't remember the exact page or story but to broadly paraphrase my remembrance of the conclusions of "Boundaries", establishing boundaries works best once relationship is established.
Whether or not the children in this article were telling the truth about wanting the stuff, well I certainly hope so. Me, if this had been a parenting decision in my family, I would have said whatever I thought was the "right" thing, not necessarily the emotionally honest thing. Because, unfortunately, there was more fear than relationship.
I doubt any parent wants to be the subject of their child's therapy later in life. :)
To everyone doing this most important job, may wisdom, patience, and confidence be yours.
I definitely agree with this. Do the right thing, but make sure you aren't doing something to hurt your child. If my dad had actually tried to listen to me and didn't resort to punishing me as the first thing, I'd be with less scars on my wrists, minus a suicide attempt or two, and I'd be happy to talk to him and spend time with him.
White people
OMG I was just having this heated discussion with my husband yesterday. We are planning on having a garage sale in a couple of weeks to make some money from selling it all (hopefully). The more things we have the more mess we make; the more mess we make, the more I have to clean up; the more I have to clean up the angrier I get and so on! I'm going to send this link to my husband so he can see that it's not just me with the problem and same ideas. Thank you very very much!
I love this post! We recently bought a new house and now have two kids, but already seem to have outgrown it! I am utterly disgusted by that! We decided to do toy rotation with our oldest son and quite honestly he hasn't really noticed that 75% of his toys are packed away and he has so much fun playing with the toys we alternate that he doesn't care. I would love, LOVE to get rid of all the junk and extra toys and extra stuff in my house...I'm working to get there. I am the daughter of a hoarder and have much less stuff than my parents and grandparents, but I still have too much stuff! Thank you for this! I will share it!
Ruth,
My husband and I have two sons now aged 30 and 26. When they were young, we limited the toys they owned. We sometimes had to restrict them and we even removed our home phone when that became a problem with 2 am phone calls. Each parent has to do what feels right for their children's welfare. Your girls are loved and happy and do not need the latest and greatest toy to be happy! Thank you for your honesty. I praise God that you have a happy family and a happy life.
As a kid who grew up with this, and is now an adult, let me tell you what your kids are ACTUALLY thinking - because they don't think in the same way as you.
They're thinking they got punished for asking after their interests.
Your children will never ask to get into a sport they enjoy.
In elementary school, they will be too nervous to ask for lunch money. They will go for days on cheese sandwiches before working up the courage.
My brother is 16, and would rather walk in the heat along a busy road where high school cross country runners have been killed than ask for a 10-minute ride.
Additonally, your kids will lack the fundamental mental stimulation they receive from toys at their age. And they will never learn how to organize. They will simply learn to FEAR your authority, and that anything they have the smallest amount of control over - whether it be friends, sports, favorite books or class subjects - is subject to being taken away. They will furtively hide anything from you - even if it is completely harmless. And as they grow older, you will feel more distant from them. You will feel like you have lost the most important relationship in your world - if you truly love them. And you will start to feel afraid, and will rely on controlling them even more - when what they really want and need is a mother who listens to them as if they are human beings and understands why they do things. And ultimately, if you do not figure out that they really are people, that relationship will crumble to nothing.
Any child psychologist, any family therapist, would tell you that first and foremost, you must understand your children as people. As small human beings under construction. It is your duty to guide them safely, yes. But not mold them to what you want them to be. They will learn how to do that. Let them.
So let your kids choose where you go every once in awhile - if your daughter likes dinosaurs, maybe a dinosaur museum? Engage her in her interests, and for God's sake, get her some toys or books or something interactive that will engage her passion and her learning. Encourage her, don't tear her down. Ask her why things matter to her! And please, for the love of God, treat her like a person. What if someone took away your car because you "didn't really need it?" A car might not seem similar to a toy for us, but for a child, a toy is pretty much the only possession they have control over, so the emotional importance is pretty much equal. That's why you see young children bring a favorite doll or stuffed animal to places they feel insecure, or places they are unfamiliar with. It is a measure of control, it makes them feel secure and safe and actually enjoy that trip to the zoo more.
If I knew where you lived, I'd seriously be calling Social Services so that they can save your family before it falls apart like mine did. I've seen too many families crumble from build-ups like this. Too many young adults with anxiety disorders, PTSD, relationship issues, a tendency to become involved with abusive partners because they have a deflated sense of self-worth. You still have the ability to save these children from all that. Please, please, PLEASE use it.
What kind of disgusting demon witch of a mother are you? You didn’t break a “toy addiction”. You broke a part of your child’s spirit. It's amazing how obedient children are when you’ve beaten a part of their soul into submission, isn’t it?
This infuriates me because it’s not actually about your children being able to go out and “enjoy the moment.” The kids aren’t enjoying the moment any more than they normally would. This is all about you getting to have the vacation experience you wanted. That’s it. That’s all you want. And you want your kids to be extraordinarily self-sufficient at a far too early age. Mental stimulation is key for kids and taking away stuff to interact with is a terrible thing to do. It also doesn’t allow them to learn to how to clean or organize anything since there’s nothing to organize.
Frankly, they’re probably going to be far more obsessed with stuff now than they were before. I know for certain that I was most obsessed with the things my family couldn’t afford to give me (namely, video game consoles and cable tv) and would forgo everything else to hungrily devour whatever thing I was rarely exposed to that I wanted. Whereas, with other things, such as candy, my parents got my sister and I candy maybe once every other week. Not too often. But if we asked for a candy (and we always asked when shopping, of course) and they said no, we maybe pouted for a moment and quickly moved on because candy wasn’t this huge fucking deal for us.
God this makes me angry, you, and every "parent" that agrees with you, deserves a good hard slap.
I think this is an awesome idea me n my fiancé are actually in the process of taking our kids toys away from them.. If you have any advice or tips please please give me some. I for sure need the help.
This is very sad and tragic to read. Your children are only beyond well behaved and quiet because they now fear asking you for anything. Good job! At least you'll never have to put up with their pretty problems again! You are such a good mommy for doing what's best for your kids. They should know (since their brains are so well developed) that you really have their best interests at mind and aren't just taking away their ability to socialize normally or expand their imaginations. It's not as if your children are never going to trust you again or be able to foster their own creativity. As a child, I had tons of toys. Not one of them hurt me or made me more materialistic. In fact, I have a vibrant imagination and now seek enjoyment out of life's finer moments. But guess what, I'm an adult! My brain is fully developed and I don't need stem developing objects, such as an abundance of toys, to help me. I feel so bad for your little girls, Lord, they don't understand and they will always feel punished to ask you for things now. Let your children be children and stop forcing them to mature so early! They are a prime example of where social anxiety comes from. You aren't paying attention to the future of your children and what developmental processes they are currently undergoing. Good luck in the future with those rebellious teens!
I get where you're coming from. Really, I do. Having to repeat the same thin g over and over again with no results is frustrating, but there are better ways you could have gone about this. When your daughters wouldn't clean their room, okay, take their toys away, with an ultimatum of "you get them back when the room is clean". When they cleaned their room, sit down and talk to them. Kids are smart, they can have intelligent conversations! Tell them flat out, they have a lot of stuff, and they don't really use a lot of it. Ask them what they would be okay with getting rid of. They'll separate their things out, and if there's still too much stuff for your liking, go through things individually. Ask them why they want to keep it. If they can't think of an answer, ask them again if they would rather get rid of it. They'll be willing to get rid of things, and this method is far less likely to breed fear or resentment. I know you said they were happy, but kids are good actors. Do they not ask for things because they don't want them, or because they're afraid you'll throw them away? I have social anxiety, have had it since I was young, and one of the ways it presents is that I'm terrified of asking for things from people. My parents, my friends, anyone. Maybe this isn't what your kids are experiencing, but the whole situation sounds far too familiar to sit comfortably with me.
Another thing that confuses me is your insistence that this will help their imagination. Kids have limited knowledge. They cannot imagine things that they've never heard of, or seen before. Toys help with that. Having dolls that you can physically move around and dress up is far more interesting than creating it entirely in your mind. It's also way more interactive when your daughters have friends over. I'm not going to lie, I had a fair amount of stuff as a kid. Some of it I never used, as it came from relatives who didn't know me very well. My parents shelved it, and after getting the okay from me, would give it away. But dolls and stuffed animals? I had endless amounts of them, and it wasn't a bad thing. Many of the stuffed animals I still have, partly because they are a major physical comfort when the anxiety flares up, but also because I have emotional attachments to them. Why? Because I correlate them with the experiences you're so insistent on your children remembering. Memories from a young age are fuzzy at best. Things help solidify those memories. I remember playing superheroes with my brother because I still have the stuffed dogs we would use. I remember my first friend Emma's birthday party because of the picture frame I made. I remember counting down the minutes until my dad came home from work so I could play video games with him. I remember playing the same video games with my cousins, and making stories about all of our stuffed animals together. Experiences are tied into the stuff you want to get rid of. Objects hold memories. Allow your kids to make some. Allow them to pull out the most contradictory of toys and watch as they find ways to use them together. Let your kids go through phases. Please, please let your kids go through phases, no matter how quickly they stop using the items that went with it, because eventually, some of those phases are going to stick. Dressing up dolls might become a love of fashion and design, that build-a-dino workshop might have sparked an interest in different species. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe the dinosaur just becomes another stuffed toy on her shelf. You don't know. Give your kids the opportunity to figure out what they like. You never know unless you let them experience it. Objects are experiences, you just have to use them right.