Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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Wow you're teaching your kids never to ask for anything ever again out of fear that you will take it away from them. I bet you follow all the Pearl's teachings about how to raise children too. Please never share your 'insights' with other people again. I would like to talk to your children and tell them that the abuse they are receiving is not their fault and they have done nothing wrong.
I would love to received daily or weekly info from you and your wonderful blog & website.
Ruth, you did the right thing. Just think, when your children grow up they may be among the small minority that can actually read for pleasure!
I don't have any kids, but if I had I would probably have reared them much as you are yours. There are enough spoiled brats in the world--especially our country. Congratulations on taking pains to not bring up more.
I grew up with toys, and I read for pleasure. Toys and reading have no correlation. Do not support this action. It is appalling, and it will give the children anxiety and trust issues.
I think you should read this.
http://twerkinshield.tumblr.com/post/137544810580/betterbemeta-a-qt-called-kt-betterbemeta/embed
Please, never do this to your children. Your intentions may be good, but i promise you, no matter how "happy" or "content" your child seems now... they will remember this. And it will not be a fond memory at all.
My parents did this to me when i was 6/7... I can still remember how this broke my heart. I remember digging through garbage after my parents went to bed
this is not a good thing to do to anyone
Happy 2016 to you, I love your parenting resolutions. Important, specific, and definitely doable. Have a wonderful year, and enjoy your time with your children and give toys to them.
I know I've read your post before and i was sure i commented on it but couldn't find the comment. I am absolutely aghast at some of the negative and very personal attacks on you! Especially the divorce comment. I get that everyone can have their own opinion, but that kind of thing is so nasty and i think those people might need to take a good look in the mirror. I mean seriously, what values are your children going to learn from you? To tear others down that have a different view to you? That would create more unhappiness and anxiety than removing an EXCESS ( key word) of toys. I hope the way in which you have spoken to this author is something your children never have to experience from someone else who "knows better."
Personally I admire what you have done. I noticed similar behaviour with my kids who would just drag their toys around rather than play with them. Now they have just have their favourite educational toys that are regularly rotated and we spend a lot more time outside being active and they are much better for it and don't see me as a "control freak." We took the position of giving them the opportunity to give some of their less loved toys to other children who don't have much and the three year old loved picking out ones for other kids and honestly never asks after them or misses them just uses what he has. Generally if we get something new we donate an old toy that they rarely play with anymore or is no longer age appropriate. I think the important message here is that kids need time and attention from their parents over "stuff" and with your family vacays and the fact they can self regulate better and have more resilience than they used to, to me, screams good parenting. :)
You seem like the kind of mother that kids are glad to escape from, too. Excellent job at supporting an act that leaves children with anxiety and trust issues. My parents did this to me as a child. Do you know what happened? I got anxiety. I was terrified to ask for anything, because I feared they (my parents) would just take everything away. I ended up sneaking around, and doing drugs to cope with the stress. Only when I left the house for college did I improve. If I ever have children, I will never, EVER do this sort of thing to them.
I just wanted to say that this article was a life changer for me, and I plan to write a post in my blog soon about how it affected me and my family! Great ideas! And kudos to you for thinking outside of the box for your kids sake.... I can't wait to do this! :)
Thank you so much for posting this. After my eldest (Miss 6) hit/stabbed my youngest (Miss 4) with her My Little Pony ... I confiscated every single toy they had in their drawers and toy box, They were allowed to keep their dress ups but no toys. We immediately donated some items that the girls had not played with in 6 months but the rest have been put into bags in my car boot.
The Plan is 6 days and Miss 6 can earn back one toy a day through jobs around the house, outside the recular household chores. To be completely honest, in the last 24 hours my girls are reading more, enjoying colouring and writing more AND spending a lot more time engaged with each other, their interact is simply beautiful. I do not intend on allowing them all their stuff back, especially as we live in an area rich in environmental blessings. It is amazing how we become hooked on stuff but truly, it is not needed to the excess that most children have.
Thank you for sharing this. I go through this everyday, telling them to clean the billion toys all over the room. I often contemplate removing them all and Im happy to read that it works. I dont understand why people would be upsetting reading this, it makes complete sense to those who know the what it really valuable in life. I think Ill try it too.