Are you sick and tired of fighting with your kids to clean their room? Here are some tried & true strategies to get your kids to do their chores.
I haven’t talked about it much but for the past year or so an epic struggle has been waging in the Soukup household. It is Mommy versus Kids in the War of the Tidy Room, and while there are still small battles being fought now and then, I can finally say with confidence that I am winning.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you it has been a long and arduous and, at times, downright painful campaign. It has involved tears, threats, bribes, rewards, games, countless trips to the naughty stool, and more reorganizing, reevaluating, relabeling, and retraining than I would care to admit. At one point it even meant taking all their stuff away. There were so many times I wanted to give up, so many times I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender.
I lost track of how many times Husband–our own personal UN Peacekeeper–questioned whether it was really worth all the heartache, all the frustration, all the hassle. They’re just kids, he would say, they’re only 3 and 6. Don’t you think you’re expecting too much from them?
But I persisted. 3 and 6 is old enough to put things away! I’d snap back. If I don’t have high expectations of them, who will? Someday they’ll get it. Someday it will be worth it!
He would just look at me then, a mixture of pity and fear on his face, clearly torn between his cute-but-messy Daddy’s girls and his headstrong wife. He chose neutrality. I can’t say I blame him.
For months and months the battle raged. Some days I would literally spend hours getting them to follow through, and in the beginning cleaning their room would frequently consume our entire morning. But now, finally, after nearly a year of working at it every single day, I can actually say “go clean your room” and have it look like this a short time later:
How I Get My Kids to Clean Their Room
The blood, sweat, & tears might not be visible in that picture, but I can tell you that they are most certainly there. This is not a struggle for the faint of heart. There are, however, a few battle strategies I have picked up along the way:
Set an Example
I couldn’t very well expect my kids to keep a tidy room if I wasn’t willing, able, and downright determined to keep a tidy house myself. No, my house is not perfect at all times, but I do spend a lot of time cleaning and organizing and sorting and folding. The girls see me speed cleaning almost every single day. Many times they even help with the process. We make a point to start our day with everything in order so that we be more productive. By evening we’ve usually messed it up again with projects and crafts and books and cooking and everything else that goes on in our day, but there is usually at least a few moments every morning where things are tidy.
Be Consistent
We start our day by cleaning. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we have a lot of other stuff to do. Even when pretty much everything in the world seems more important or more interesting or more fun. For better or for worse, it has become part of our daily routine. Hopefully someday they will do it without even thinking. We’re not there yet. But forcing it to be a habit now will hopefully stay with them for the rest of their lives.
Even more importantly, WE start our day by cleaning. Them AND me. This is key. I don’t do it for them. It would be far, far easier for me just to quickly clean the house and pick up their room myself while they played or watched TV. I truly don’t relish the daily battle of getting them to clean their room. Even now, after so many months of working on it, we still struggle with follow through. But the more they do it and the more often they do it, the better they become.
Be Firm
I simply don’t take no for an answer. I don’t plead or waver or back down. My kids are learning–because I reinforce the message every day–that their number one job as kids is to obey. My expectation is that if I tell them to do something, they do it the first time, without arguing, whining, or complaining, even if they don’t want to. There is no negotiation. Our home is not a democracy.
Get Rid of Excess Stuff
When I took away their toys last summer I realized how much happier they were with less, as well as how much easier it was for them to keep things tidy. But kids are like little stuff magnets, always bringing in a constant trail of toys and papers and clothes and shoes and who knows what else, and if I’m not careful, their room will fill up quickly.
I have to be vigilant–and slightly ruthless–about keeping excess stuff to a minimum. Clothes & shoes that are out of season or no longer fit get put in storage or brought to Goodwill. Toys are still kept to a minimum. Papers & junky party favors or prizes are usually tossed immediately (when the kids aren’t looking!) We also try to abide by a “one thing at a time” rule, where we don’t take out a new activity before cleaning up the last one.
Make it Easy to Put Stuff Away
My girls both know where things go because everything in their room has a home. Their clothing is hung low so they can reach it, and they both know how to hang things up. They’ve learned how to tell if something is clean, and they know where the dirty laundry goes. Likewise, toys and games each have their own shelf or bin.
Make it Fun
I will readily admit that I don’t always make it fun, but the days that I do are definitely far less painful then the days I don’t. Sometimes we will race to see if I can clean up the rest of the house before they can get their room clean. Often we will turn on music so they can dance while they clean or set the timer and try to beat it. Other days we simply just clean the whole house side by side–they help me and I help them.
Offer Instruction
If they are to learn how to do it on their own, I have to be willing to show them exactly what needs to be done. I’ve shown them the proper way to hang up their clothes, how to place their pants & PJs in the appropriate baskets, and how to look & smell things over to determine whether they are dirty. I’ve shown them how to scan the room to check for things on the floor, and how to crawl under the bed to retrieve any lost items. I’ve shown them where to bring garbage and dirty dishes and things that don’t belong in their room. They still struggle with making the bed, so every day I still show them how to pull the sheets tight and tuck them in, then fluff the pillows and put them in place.
I’ve found that I have to teach the same things over and over again before they finally get it, and I’ve also found that showing them something then making them do it themselves is what seems to sink in the most. Kids don’t have a natural ability to spot a mess, to see the things that are out of place. It has to be taught.
Show Grace
As harsh as all of this may seem, I truly don’t expect perfection from my kids. I expect them to listen and obey and to do their best, but I also offer them much love and praise and encouragement. I try hard to notice even the smallest achievements, and I am always quick to reward them for a job well done.
I have been pondering this post for a long time, wondering if I should actually share my experience, knowing the sort of backlash I will probably receive. I am frankly terrified to press the “publish” button. Even as I read over the first draft to Husband this morning he told me I sounded like a psycho drill sergeant running a sterile mental ward. I don’t quite see myself that way. My house is not always perfect. We make lots of messes. We really don’t spend all our time cleaning up.
Even so, I know that in today’s indulge-the-child society, I am an anomaly. I simply don’t believe that pampering my children will bring them happiness; instead, I want them to learn to live productive, orderly, disciplined, contented lives filled with JOY. I want them to grow up understanding to their core the things it has taken me 35 years to learn, the things I am still learning.
Yes, at times I am a strict, no-nonsense mom with extremely high expectations of my kids. I expect them to use their manners, to work hard, to be helpful and kind and considerate, and to keep their room clean. I am with them all day, every day. If I don’t teach them those things, I am the one who will suffer the most. I am also the one who benefits the most. Our days together are fun and interesting, filled with laughter and learning and love. The girls get plenty of time to play and just be kids and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, not despite my expectations, but because of them.
So while this battle may not be worth the effort–or even feasible–for everyone, I can say without hesitation that it was most definitely worth it for us, not simply for the clean room, but for the character it is instilling in them….and in me.
To recap, here are ways on How I Get My Kids to Clean Their Room
1. Set an Example
2. Be Consistent
3. Be Firm
4. Get Rid of Excess Stuff
5. Make it Easy to Put Stuff Away
6. Make it Fun
7. Offer Instruction
8. Show Grace
Other helpful resources:
- How to Create a Chore Chart That Works
- Why I Took My Kids Toys Away: 6 Years Later
- Why I Make My Bed: 10 Reasons I Keep My House Clean
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Ruth Soukup
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I am torn because while I dream of my children just doing what I ask them to do the first time, I don’t agree AT ALL, that my children’s number one job should be to obey. I also don’t really care of they whine or argue–I WANT my kids to question things. I don’t want them to grow up to think that authority is unquestionable and that they should just do as they’re told (a la the Nazis who insisted they were just “following orders”–extreme example but you get my point).
Plus, there have been times when my husband or I have been WRONG in what we have told one of our kids to do, due to a lack of communication or misunderstanding, and if my son hadn’t explained “No, I’m out of bed because Dada told me to go wash my hands” then I would have never been given the opportunity to apologize for snapping at him for not being in bed and he would have just gone off feeling bad.
I don’t really want my kids to be obedient or to not question authority. I want them to understand that adults are not always right and that it’s fine to say if you are not okay with something (like a girl in my high school who refused to dissect animals), it’s fine to tell someone if something an adult is doing is wrong (like my 5th grade teacher who threw a kid against a chalkboard) and it’s fine to do what you know you need to do regardless of what anyone else thinks (like how I was told by my parents that if a teacher told me I couldn’t go to the bathroom and I couldn’t hold it anymore I should go anyway rather than pee my pants).
The first thing that came to mind, honestly, when you mentioned that your kids’ job is to obey, was instances of abuse that kids sometimes suffer at the hands of a trusted adult. Could we prevent some of these cases from happening if we didn’t expect our kids to do anything a grown-up tells them to do? I would want my kids to know to say NO to anything like that and to tell someone immediately, without fear that adults will automatically side with other adults because they have been taught that the opinion of children doesn’t matter.
I guess I would rather have to explain why I am asking my kids to do certain things, I would rather deal with their complaints and sometimes their outright defiance, than raise children who are not critical thinkers.
I would like to raise revolutionaries.
Hear, hear. I want my kids to have their heads on their shoulders, to be able to make decisions about the world on their own. My mom wouldn’t even give me advice on which clothes to choose when I was a kid, and I’m better off for it; with my own personality and strengths that could not have developed had an adult tried to force their own opinions about how things should be onto me.
sounds like you have the “problem child” and you probably were the “problem child”. I’m sorry, but being a parent means raising a child who can function well in society, and by making them question authority constantly will land them in trouble more often than not. Defiance is not something you should teach your children, and i don’t know why you think that is OK.
I’m so glad someone else had issue with that line! So many adults forget that children are people too, with much more capability for reason and understanding than they are given credit for. Teaching children to be mindlessly obedient creates mindlessly obedient adolescents and adults who may not ever get in trouble, but accept whatever is expected of them. In his book “Unconditional Parenting” Alfie Kohn talks about how preaching obedience first leads some teenagers to “rebel” because the teen has simply found a new master to obey- peer pressure. The teen is still the mindlessly obedient child, but now with commands the parents’ don’t agree with.
I’m more concerned with my child thinking rationally than being “in trouble”. In fact, I’d be glad for my child to be in trouble over something that wasn’t right. Being a “problem child” might mean being the only person standing up for something right. Being in trouble is nothing. Being good is everything.
I don’t think Ruth teaching her children to clean will make them into non-thinking robots, but focusing parenting entirely on obedience and not on becoming thoughtful, self-aware, and well-adjusted certainly will.
Whoever the original comment-er here is, thanks for posting that. You said it much better than I could! Viva la revolution!
I really think children that are taught to obey loving parents, clean their rooms, and be responsible for helping with the normal family activities will not mindlessly follow just anybody. The public schools are full of defiant disrespectful children. When your child is 16, driving the car and gets pulled over by law enforcement what will defiance get them? I’ll bet children being lovingly taught and given a good example will be well aware of discerning injustice and bad decisions. I’m pretty sure they will also be taught that life isn’t always fair and it’s best to rise above it, because whining about it doesn’t do much good.
I think you’re right to want to raise good people and independent thinkers. But I think people are getting hung up on the word “obey”… you’re looking at it through a tainted perspective, where you see having to follow nazis and other cruel leaders mindlessly. I think if you’re raising young children lovingly and with respect, it is right to require them to obey you because you are the adult. You may not always be right, but having children obey you doesn’t mean that you can’t ever admit to being wrong. Obedience is not the antithesis of respect. Requiring obedience just means that you know what is best for your child (and are actively learning/seeking the best!)… because let’s face it, little ones would rather do weird things like eat sugar for dinner than a nutritious meal. I think with loving, respectful parental DIRECTION a child is more inclined to become an independent thinker who can also contribute to society because they have known kindness, unselfishness, steadfastness, industriousness, and other good qualities you have worked to instill in them
I completely agree. I stopped reading this post when I saw the word “obey”, we’re raising children not dogs
I love this post Ruth! You rock!
I pretty much agree with you on all points, I also expect my kids to listen and follow through on the expectations I set for them, all within reason and according to age. It definitely is a trying task to do day in an out, so I applaud your commitment and convictions. Reading this post has further fueled my intentions to keep at my kids, to develop and instill the life long habits and traits that will in the end serve them well as productive members of society. It can be difficult, but is now made easier to see that there are so many others out there with the same intentions and goals.
Peace,
Maritza
One thing that sounds kind of wrong to me is the saying ” kids will be kids”. I mean, I understand the concept or the idea, but the truth is, kids are kids, but they will definitely NOT be kids forever…they will be adults and those little creatures that we love so much need to see that love, not by doing things for them, but by teaching them how to do them themselves. We all hope to be there as long as possible to share our lives with our kids, but, that depends on the Great Plan! Sooo, I say, in the meantime, let’s mix it all together, the hugs, timeouts, kisses, bootcamp training, fun, chores and praise for a job well done (this last one without the squeeky/cartoon voices, please!!! LOL), so that when we are no longer around (yes, I said when, not if) they will be totally independent, functional and responsible for their own well being!
I try to get the kids involved as much as possible in cleaning up there rooms and to clean up after themselves. As they get older it does get better. There are some really great tips in this article and I will put them to good use. I use to feel bad making them help out, but now it has become normal to clean together and to have them clean up on there own and make it fun.
As a mother of grown children whose biggest regret was doing too many things for them because it was easier or I didn’t want them to be “burdened”, I respect your putting in the time as painful as it probably is at times. You’ll never regret putting time and hard work to their precious characters. For those who are placing judgement, she mentions several times in her post that there is lots of time for fun.
Thank you for your sweet comment Deborah, it is always so encouraging to hear from people who have already made it past this stage!