Are you sick and tired of fighting with your kids to clean their room? Here are some tried & true strategies to get your kids to do their chores.
I haven’t talked about it much but for the past year or so an epic struggle has been waging in the Soukup household. It is Mommy versus Kids in the War of the Tidy Room, and while there are still small battles being fought now and then, I can finally say with confidence that I am winning.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you it has been a long and arduous and, at times, downright painful campaign. It has involved tears, threats, bribes, rewards, games, countless trips to the naughty stool, and more reorganizing, reevaluating, relabeling, and retraining than I would care to admit. At one point it even meant taking all their stuff away. There were so many times I wanted to give up, so many times I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender.
I lost track of how many times Husband–our own personal UN Peacekeeper–questioned whether it was really worth all the heartache, all the frustration, all the hassle. They’re just kids, he would say, they’re only 3 and 6. Don’t you think you’re expecting too much from them?
But I persisted. 3 and 6 is old enough to put things away! I’d snap back. If I don’t have high expectations of them, who will? Someday they’ll get it. Someday it will be worth it!
He would just look at me then, a mixture of pity and fear on his face, clearly torn between his cute-but-messy Daddy’s girls and his headstrong wife. He chose neutrality. I can’t say I blame him.
For months and months the battle raged. Some days I would literally spend hours getting them to follow through, and in the beginning cleaning their room would frequently consume our entire morning. But now, finally, after nearly a year of working at it every single day, I can actually say “go clean your room” and have it look like this a short time later:
The blood, sweat, & tears might not be visible in that picture, but I can tell you that they are most certainly there. This is not a struggle for the faint of heart. There are, however, a few battle strategies I have picked up along the way:
I couldn’t very well expect my kids to keep a tidy room if I wasn’t willing, able, and downright determined to keep a tidy house myself. No, my house is not perfect at all times, but I do spend a lot of time cleaning and organizing and sorting and folding. The girls see me speed cleaning almost every single day. Many times they even help with the process. We make a point to start our day with everything in order so that we be more productive. By evening we’ve usually messed it up again with projects and crafts and books and cooking and everything else that goes on in our day, but there is usually at least a few moments every morning where things are tidy.
We start our day by cleaning. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we have a lot of other stuff to do. Even when pretty much everything in the world seems more important or more interesting or more fun. For better or for worse, it has become part of our daily routine. Hopefully someday they will do it without even thinking. We’re not there yet. But forcing it to be a habit now will hopefully stay with them for the rest of their lives.
Even more importantly, WE start our day by cleaning. Them AND me. This is key. I don’t do it for them. It would be far, far easier for me just to quickly clean the house and pick up their room myself while they played or watched TV. I truly don’t relish the daily battle of getting them to clean their room. Even now, after so many months of working on it, we still struggle with follow through. But the more they do it and the more often they do it, the better they become.
I simply don’t take no for an answer. I don’t plead or waver or back down. My kids are learning–because I reinforce the message every day–that their number one job as kids is to obey. My expectation is that if I tell them to do something, they do it the first time, without arguing, whining, or complaining, even if they don’t want to. There is no negotiation. Our home is not a democracy.
When I took away their toys last summer I realized how much happier they were with less, as well as how much easier it was for them to keep things tidy. But kids are like little stuff magnets, always bringing in a constant trail of toys and papers and clothes and shoes and who knows what else, and if I’m not careful, their room will fill up quickly.
I have to be vigilant–and slightly ruthless–about keeping excess stuff to a minimum. Clothes & shoes that are out of season or no longer fit get put in storage or brought to Goodwill. Toys are still kept to a minimum. Papers & junky party favors or prizes are usually tossed immediately (when the kids aren’t looking!) We also try to abide by a “one thing at a time” rule, where we don’t take out a new activity before cleaning up the last one.
My girls both know where things go because everything in their room has a home. Their clothing is hung low so they can reach it, and they both know how to hang things up. They’ve learned how to tell if something is clean, and they know where the dirty laundry goes. Likewise, toys and games each have their own shelf or bin.
I will readily admit that I don’t always make it fun, but the days that I do are definitely far less painful then the days I don’t. Sometimes we will race to see if I can clean up the rest of the house before they can get their room clean. Often we will turn on music so they can dance while they clean or set the timer and try to beat it. Other days we simply just clean the whole house side by side–they help me and I help them.
If they are to learn how to do it on their own, I have to be willing to show them exactly what needs to be done. I’ve shown them the proper way to hang up their clothes, how to place their pants & PJs in the appropriate baskets, and how to look & smell things over to determine whether they are dirty. I’ve shown them how to scan the room to check for things on the floor, and how to crawl under the bed to retrieve any lost items. I’ve shown them where to bring garbage and dirty dishes and things that don’t belong in their room. They still struggle with making the bed, so every day I still show them how to pull the sheets tight and tuck them in, then fluff the pillows and put them in place.
I’ve found that I have to teach the same things over and over again before they finally get it, and I’ve also found that showing them something then making them do it themselves is what seems to sink in the most. Kids don’t have a natural ability to spot a mess, to see the things that are out of place. It has to be taught.
As harsh as all of this may seem, I truly don’t expect perfection from my kids. I expect them to listen and obey and to do their best, but I also offer them much love and praise and encouragement. I try hard to notice even the smallest achievements, and I am always quick to reward them for a job well done.
I have been pondering this post for a long time, wondering if I should actually share my experience, knowing the sort of backlash I will probably receive. I am frankly terrified to press the “publish” button. Even as I read over the first draft to Husband this morning he told me I sounded like a psycho drill sergeant running a sterile mental ward. I don’t quite see myself that way. My house is not always perfect. We make lots of messes. We really don’t spend all our time cleaning up.
Even so, I know that in today’s indulge-the-child society, I am an anomaly. I simply don’t believe that pampering my children will bring them happiness; instead, I want them to learn to live productive, orderly, disciplined, contented lives filled with JOY. I want them to grow up understanding to their core the things it has taken me 35 years to learn, the things I am still learning.
Yes, at times I am a strict, no-nonsense mom with extremely high expectations of my kids. I expect them to use their manners, to work hard, to be helpful and kind and considerate, and to keep their room clean. I am with them all day, every day. If I don’t teach them those things, I am the one who will suffer the most. I am also the one who benefits the most. Our days together are fun and interesting, filled with laughter and learning and love. The girls get plenty of time to play and just be kids and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, not despite my expectations, but because of them.
So while this battle may not be worth the effort–or even feasible–for everyone, I can say without hesitation that it was most definitely worth it for us, not simply for the clean room, but for the character it is instilling in them….and in me.
1. Set an Example
2. Be Consistent
3. Be Firm
4. Get Rid of Excess Stuff
5. Make it Easy to Put Stuff Away
6. Make it Fun
7. Offer Instruction
8. Show Grace
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View Comments
Ruth, you are narcissist who is setting your kids up for anxiety disorders and not being able to make decisions because they have never had any control.
First of all thank you for bravely publishing this article! I have experienced ALL of the same struggles!! I have even tried taking their toys away!!! It just doesn't seem to click!!! I am beginning your tips and tricks today!!!
Second, shame on ALL of these people who think what you did was wrong! No I haven't taken the time to read them and honestly you shouldn't either. If we don't teach our children to clean up after themselves and properly at that who will?? That is why our country is in the mess it is in!!
I am so sorry for those bad comments you have received. I think you do well and it was brave to write this article. I have taken toys away and my child did not miss them and it is much easier to keep her room clean with less stuff. Greetings from Switzerland
I commented rather neutrally a year or more ago but if I’m really honest with myself, I agree with everyone who’s expressed disagreement with your actions. I hope that over the years, you’ve at least apologized to your daughters, and that you’ve learned to curb your extreme “Type A” behaviours and OCD tendencies.
Maria.
I found this article from someone who was horrified by your actions. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe they just misunderstood your words and actions
I wish you were satire, but even a satire writer knows when to stop and explain whatever 'joke' is going on. Honestly, I was so horrified to read about this. I feel bad for your children, and I feel bad for the other parents who treat what you do as an example. To give your kid toys and letting them have what they want (to a limit beyond the one you set), is to let them be a kid. To be so afraid of disorder and chaos in a house is to be afraid of having kids. Your children will grow up probably normalizing this, they'll think they don't deserve anything because Mommy always took their toys when they weren't looking. Once they realize this isn't proper parent behavior, they're going to need help to learn what is right. I hope if they ever choose to forgive you, you will want to be forgiven for what you did to them
P.S: Cecile was right. I don't know how to reply to comments I'm sorry
I'm not sure how to put this without making sound like you are one of the worst mothers I've ever heard of..... so I won't try. There is absolutely no reason to treat your kids like this. You are not a dictator, you are a mother, and a bad one at that. I don't think you realize what harm you're actually causing for your children. When they are older they are never going to say no to people, they will have anxiety, they will not know how to stand up for themselves because the "good" things you taught them when they were younger. In my home it used to be a dictator ship as well, that is until I was diagnosed with anxiety, because I was too scared to ask my parents to get something. They are children. They will get messy, throw things around, never clean up, but that's okay. What you are doing however, is not. Maybe try cleaning yourself up a bit before you try to clean your house.
If this article had been released in the 90s and in a magazine I'm sure my mother would have read it and followed it. This is what she did, for some of the same reasons with the one difference being my father was stricter about it. It did not make me a more productive member of society, that's bullshit. It's a room for kids its supposed to be a mess, or at least looked lived in. Instead what my parents have done to me with this and other behaviors was ruin me, I get anxious about messes and one of two things happen; I disregard how I feel and clean it (resulting in me cleaning the entire house) or I become so overwhelmed about a small task that I am crippled by it. Not very productive. It's silly to think that something as small as forcing children to clean when they're as young as yours would result in people like me, but it does. Have fun ruining your children! My parents sure did :)
You are not horrible! I think you are doing the right thing. It really will pay off later when they are older.
I’ve also noticed that my kids will play in another room if their room is a mess because they say that there is no room to play. So really we clean everyday because it’s so much nicer to play in a clear space!
Mine are now 7 and 10 and they even clean up when they play at other houses! I think you’re raising your kids to be responsible and helpful.
I’m also sad at some of the comments you received. I wish people were kinder with their words even if they disagree with you.
Great article! Just what I'm trying to work on with my boys! I only disagree with you on one point- that you will benefit most from your children learning these good habits. You will benefit most in the next 10-15 years, but they hopefully have long lives ahead and over all your daughters will receive the most benefit by learning these habits young, followed by their futures spouses and children, if they have them! Thanks for your point of view!
I believe it is our job as parebts to teach our kids to be a responsible adult one day. Its not like once they go out on their own they have built in instincts on how to take care of themselves and the thinhs that they need to do. There isnt always big consequences in life to motivate you to do something as cleaning. But if you teach them while theyre still home then then theyll have atleast been taught the right desicions in life and why.