My body, it seems, is telling me differently.
Last week Wednesday, just hours before I was supposed to be heading off for a busy conference weekend at Blissdom, I felt it coming on. You know the feeling, don’t you? The telltale raw twinge in the back of your throat that says a bad cold is coming on and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Of course I tried to stop it anyway. I loaded up on Emergen-C and Airborne and Zicam, drank lots of water and hot tea and went to bed at 7:30, thinking that a good night’s sleep and some extra vitamins would be enough.
It wasn’t enough. I woke up the next day with a killer sore throat and a feeling of dread. I didn’t want to be the sick girl at the conference. What would I tell my poor roommates? But I couldn’t not go. There was too much I needed to do, too many things I had already committed to. So I downed a steady supply of Advil–enough to make the pain semi-bearable–and determined to make the best of it.
Mind over matter, right?
I’m pretty sure I used every ounce of willpower I possess to make it through those four days without letting on just how bad I really felt. I made all my appointments. I sat in on some great sessions. I schmoozed with brands. I connected with friends. I networked and brainstormed and collaborated on some fabulous new ideas. I had a great time and accomplished everything I had set out to do. I’m pretty sure most of the people I talked to–outside of my three incredibly understanding roommates–had no idea I wasn’t feeling well. At least I looked cute, right?
{Edie, me, Heather, & Darlene. Photo snagged from Edie}
But on Sunday afternoon I headed straight from the airport to the nearest walk-in clinic to get a prescription for a diagnosis I already knew: Strep Throat.
The conversation in our hotel room the night before had gone something like this:
Edie: Is your throat still hurting darlin’? (Bear in mind that nearly every sentence uttered by Edie ends in ‘darlin’ or ‘honey-pie’ or ‘sugar’ or something similarly sweet.)
Me: Yes, it is still really sore. It just doesn’t seem to be getting any better.
Edie: Well let me take another look at it. (Among other more interesting things like blogger, supermomma, & Tammy Wynette wannabe, Edie is also a physician.)
[She inspects my throat using her iPhone flashlight.] (Is there anything those things can’t do?)
Edie: Oh honey, it is most definitely strep throat. I can see the white patches.
Me: Well crap. What causes strep throat?
Edie: Overdoing it! Honey child, you have got to start taking better care of yourself! You are pushing yourself way too hard and now your body is pushing back.
Me: Oh Edie, we talk almost every day. Couldn’t you have mentioned this to me a week ago?
And yet deep down I know I have no one to blame but myself. This is now the third round of antibiotics I have been on in as many months. Prior to that, it had been at least ten years since I was sick enough to require a prescription.
My biggest problem right now is NOT that I am overburdened by doing things that I hate, or that I am desperately unhappy. On the contrary, I’ve never been more excited about what I’m doing or felt more content and fulfilled. I literally jump out of bed every morning at 4am because I literally can’t wait to start my day. I am working on a book proposal and writing about all the things I am most passionate about every single day. It is a privilege and dream come true and I truly love what I do.
Even more frustratingly, I’ve actually been pretty intentional about trying to find balance wherever I can. I get up early so that I can stay off the computer during the day while I’m homeschooling. We’ve cut out extra activities to have more time at home. I even hired a few blog helpers to manage some of the most time-consuming behind-the-scenes blog tasks so that I can stay focused on the thing I feel most called to do, which is write.
I know that the number of hours available in a day are limited–I’ve even written about it–and so although I’d like to eat healthier and exercise more in order to once-and-for-all lose those stubborn ten extra pounds, I’ve continually bumped those items off the list in order to keep room for all the responsibilities I already have. I thought that was a noble decision. I thought it was all about vanity. After all, ten extra pounds isn’t exactly a health risk is it? I’m still well within the range of “normal” on the BMI scale.
Clearly, though, this pattern of neglecting my physical health is catching up with me. So what do you do when your mind is telling you to speed up but your body is telling you to slow down? How do you balance passion with taking care of yourself?
I really don’t know.
I honestly have no idea, and to tell you the truth, not knowing kind-of freaks me out a little. This isn’t something I’ve figured out yet. I haven’t mastered balance. Is it even possible to master balance?
This weekend I will celebrate my 35th birthday, which I think marks the official entrance into “middle age.” I hate to admit it, but maybe all those people who said, just wait, it will catch up with you were right. Is this just the natural consequence of getting older?
I wish I could say that this latest bout of strep throat was the wake up call I finally needed, that this week I’ve slowed down and allowed myself more rest and more grace. Friends, if only that were true. This week has in fact been busier than ever. I’ve got deadlines to meet and commitments to keep and kids to school and Things. To. Do.
But I’m hopeful that admitting I have a problem might be the first step.
* * *
What are your thoughts on this topic? Am I just getting old? Do any of you struggle to find balance as well? How do you keep yourself physically healthy while still attending to all the other tasks on your to-do list?
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i know this is a comment way after the fact, but I am actually experiencing a bout of my body telling mr to slow down. I was diagnosed with shingles today and let me tell you, it is incredibly painful, debilitating and apparently slow to heal. I don't know much about the illness itself, but I do know that I am on steroids, an antiviral medication and pain killers, so it's pretty intense. I felt it coming on 2 weeks ago (right before Christmas), but instead of slowing down, I sped up. The result? I really feel terrible, my new year's plans have to be tabled, and my work schedule for the week will need to be adjusted. I know I need to slow down and focus on my true priorities instead of putting out the fires that I perceive need to be put out. Maybe that's the key - focus on the true priorities and only add the extras if I really want (that's another key) to. Easier said than done, but perhaps something to strive for in the new year.
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You are very honest and inspiring. I am a 44 yr old wife & homeschool mom halfway through breast cancer treatment and find it hard to slow down. I think it is the first step admitting that you struggle . God will guide you and find ways to keep you balanced if you keep Him first. Reading your post not knowing you personally you seem sincerely seeking God . It is a journey like most things in life I am not sure we wake up one day and find our selves balanced. Continue to keep seeking. Our bodies have a way of keeping us in check as well. Keeping you in my prayers.
Crystal from Money Saving Mom wrote a good series about time management a couple of years ago. One thing that she said that really stuck with me (even 2 years later) is that just as some of us have cash envelopes for money, we need to have cash envelopes for our time. All of our activities need to go into a time envelope and if everything doesn't fit than there are 4 options for balancing the time envelopes. She also wrote a few posts in this series that were specifically for bloggers. Maybe you will find this helpful or at least help you get started in the right direction? Here is the link to her time budget post: http://moneysavingmom.com/2010/11/time-management-101-create-a-time-budget.html
I hope you are feeling better and have a very restful weekend!
Thanks for the link! Crystal is definitely a very wise gal! :-)
What Melissa said!! ^ We have to work from our rest, we have to abide, we have to have fallow times in order to have fruitful times. For Jesus, his work was play...he loved it so much it was not an effort for him. How blessed we are when we feel that way about our work! But Christ's fruit only came after times of rest and abiding, after times devoted to renewing himself in his Father's presence in order to continually give himself away. Jesus didn't have to do it that way, but he did it for his disciples and by extension for us, so we could look to him as our teacher on how to live in balance and yet we think we can do things differently! I fight this same battle. We think balance means making time for the "right" things and cutting out the "wrong" things. But balance is equally about making sure that we are connected to the vine from which our fruit comes. I'm not saying we need to increase our devotional time or be a better prayer or whatever "the thing" is that we think makes a "less-than" Christian. We all have that "thing"; it's different for all of us and it's pretty much always a lie, intended to pull our focus from what God really wants us to see. What he wants us to see is that we need to mimic the rhythm of Christ's life in order mimic the fruitfulness of his life. It may mean more physical rest for you, but it may also just mean less doing and more being. For me it means that instead of being focused on tasks, results, to-do lists and commitments, however beneficial they may be, that I fiercely guard the time I spend on or with those people, tasks and moments in our life that truly revive me spiritually. (I'm an extrovert, being with my people revives me; for introverts probably not so much!) To right the balance, I carve out more time for those things when I need to. It's in those times that God equips me and my family to bring Kingdom life to the world around us. Because in the long run, that's what we want, for ourselves and for our kids - lives that point back to our Father and not just a string of accomplishments that point back to us.
At nearly 42 myself, I can say that for me, it's not about getting older, so much as it is about growing into the fullness of Christ, and arriving at that point in my spiritual maturity where I've come to appreciate deep in my soul, that my stuff, my busy, my to-dos are not what give me my worth. They are also not what gives me my passion. My body often gives out well before my passion does, a lesson I had to learn yet again, just a few weeks ago (head slap!). But when I don't focus on the Jesus way of working out of my rest, the passion eventually gives out too.
Middle age? um, no. 35 is young!!! Happy Birthday, and I do hope your feeling better.
Thanks Diana!
Girl, you KNOW I know… lol And if you are middle ged then I am "middle-middle" aged at 43?! We DO need more rest than we used to and I Hate. That. I fight it daily! I am so glad you are feeling better AND…
A VERY, VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you this coming week!
xoxo, Claire
"Middle Aged", rather. And… My Husband just reminded me {again} that I'm 42. I'll be 43 in July. I always do that. Clearly I do need more rest. lol
The answer is quite simple. But you won't like it. You need more REST. God didn't make any of us into a superhero. Even God rested on the 7th day to enjoy all that he had created. Whether you like it or not, you need to make time to rest, sleep longer. Your body is SCREAMING at you that it needs this from you. Unfortunately, ignoring this need will not make it go away - it will only make it STRONGER. Love you, Friend. XO.
Thanks for the tough love. :-)
Well, even though I am not quite middle aged yet, I can definitely relate to being sick when there is so much fun and exciting stuff to do. I have been married for two weeks, and I was sick the whole week before my wedding! So frustrating. However, even though there was so much to do, I decided to let some of the smaller details slide while I basically took it easy. And you know what? It all worked out just fine. If you find you can't do it all, then prioritize the things that MUST BE DONE, and delegate the rest of the details out to your family and friends. I found that people are willing to help you if you just ask. People have such compassion for the ill-feeling Mama. :)
Oh Ruth I hope you are feeling better!
I know exactly where you are coming from! It is part of your personality (mine too)! Go getter...and unfortunately there is ALWAYS something to "Go Get"!
How to balance? I wish someone would tell me...I thought after my girls were on their own things would change for me. Laid back life style, NOT! I just throw myself into another project because that is what makes me happy...crazy as that seems!
My career as an educator is very overwhelming these days with all the mandates "they" continue to add but then I start a blog and ALL the hours that come with that. I stay up WAY too late writing and playing with HTML to get up and spend 9 hours at work and come home and do it again.
I guess I can't offer any advice, only relate! We need to make sure we surround ourselves with a support system that says "Girl you have white spots on your throat...SLOW DOWN"
On another note, I LOVE your blog! I must confess I have spent several hours perusing it. You are an amazing writer and I feel like I know you after reading about your battle with depression. I KNOW you have helped others by having the courage to share your story!
I look up to you (even though I've got 10 years on you, baby) as a blogger and hope I will be as successful at it in the future. Since we are both Florida girls, I hope to meet you in person someday! (If you want to laugh today read my post on Should I play the Lottery)
Happy Easter! Slow Down, Relax, Enjoy...you can "Get It" on Monday!
xoxo
Sharon, it is nice to have someone who can relate! And your lottery post was hilarious!