Amazing Grace–Ruth Soukup’s incredible, inspiring story of childhood trauma, depression, self-destruction, and ultimately, redemption.
{Read Part 1: Falling}
{Read Part 2: Clouds Lifting}
{Read Part 3: Changing Paths}
* * *
Part 4: But For Grace
In the fall of 2009, just a few months after Annie was born, we made the decision to move back to Florida. It had become clear that my 85-year-old mother-in-law, Marie, was no longer able to live on her own, so we made plans to pick her up in Chicago and bring her to Florida to live with us.
I wasn’t eager to leave our nice little life in Seattle and the transition back to Punta Gorda was more than a little painful.
The combination of caring for 2 small children and an octogenarian was trying on the best days and sheer misery on the worst. Annie, at 6 months old, kept us up for hours every single night, usually crying non-stop from about 2am to 5am. My Mother-in-law had a whole other set of issues to manage—countless pills & doctors appointments, hearing & vision loss, high blood pressure, difficulty keeping her balance. It often felt like we had 3 kids instead of 2, and we were totally overwhelmed.
Our friends from before, all either childless or long past the baby stage, simply couldn’t relate to our stage of life, and they quickly disappeared, one by one. As the months went by my despair grew. I was sleep deprived, lonely, bored and miserable. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself , and the rest of the time being angry at Chuck.
I coped by spending. Not surprisingly, it didn’t help. The more I shopped, the emptier and more miserable I felt, so to make up for it, I shopped even more. Chuck, understandably, responded to my out-of-control shopping habit with anger and frustration.
That spring our marriage–and our life in general–were at a breaking point and yet neither of us had a clue how to fix it, how to break the vicious cycle or improve our situation. It felt like there was no way out.
Salvation came in the most unlikely form.
Long before my children were born, long before I was even born, long before my husband or his only sister were grown, my mother-in-law Marie had dreamed that the train of her wedding dress would be made into a christening gown for her grandchildren.
But life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect. Chuck’s sister opted not to have children and when Chuck entered his 40s still a bachelor, marriage or children seemed unlikely. By her eightieth birthday, Marie had given up hope of ever becoming a grandmother.
When my oldest daughter Maggie was born, the Christening Gown–this lifelong dream of Marie’s–became a hot topic of conversation. After making her wait 83 years we couldn’t not make the dress, but obviously we couldn’t just put her in the dress and not actually have her christened. That presented a problem because Chuck and I were not at all religious.
By that point, God and I had reached an understanding, or at least I thought we had. I would try to be a good person; He would leave us alone. I was no longer angry, but I certainly wasn’t interested in a relationship.
But baptism is a big deal to church people. They won’t just let you walk in off the street and have your kid baptized. You have to be a member of the church. For Maggie’s christening we lucked out. I was technically still a member of the church I had grown up in, even though I hadn’t attended in at least 10 years. We had the very special dress made and she was baptized the day after her first birthday.
As Annie’s first birthday approached, the pressure was mounting to have her also christened in The Dress. We needed to find a church, and fast. We decided to try out the church of the minister who had married us, Pastor John, since we had always liked him. He was laid back and friendly and, most importantly, extremely non-judgmental. Besides, we were sorta desperate, so any church would do.
We started attending services for the sole purpose of having Annie baptized. But surprisingly enough, at least to me, we didn’t hate it. The people were SO nice. Weirdly nice, going out of their way to talk to us and make us feel welcome. After having felt so isolated for so long, it was refreshing. So we kept coming back, Sunday after Sunday, despite our reluctance. When Pastor John retired and a new guy took his place we considered not going anymore. But something still kept us there.
Our very first week, a sweet woman named Angie invited us to join a small group called the Homebuilders. She explained that their goal, as the name suggested, was to help build strong marriages and strong families. We thanked her, but politely declined. Church was one thing, but we were definitely not Bible study kind-of people.
It took a whole year of almost weekly invitations before we finally gave in to her persistence and agreed to attend the Homebuilders group. Even then it was months and months before I actually looked forward to going. Every other Tuesday, Chuck and I would ponder how we could possible get out of it without hurting Angie’s feelings. We could never come up with anything, and she was just so nice, so we kept going.
God was working at me from all sides, almost like a relentless stray cat who kept coming back, nudging me, and forcing me to accept him. This new pastor, Mike, had definitely been blessed with the gift of preaching and his sermons began to rock me to the core, while the fellowship of this incredible group gave me a glimpse of what it really meant to walk with Christ.
Finally, after so many years of doing it on my own, I just stopped trying to resist.
God could have me.
And then suddenly it all became so clear.
All these events in my life, all these things that had, up until that point, seemed random and unrelated, now made sense. It was like I had been standing right in front of a big painting, staring so closely at one small section that I couldn’t see the larger picture. God forced me to step back and see the whole thing, and it was far, far more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined.
The emptiness was finally filled.
Every single step of the way, even when I had rejected and turned my back to God, even when I thought I could do it all on my own, He was there, protecting me, watching over me, saving my life, not once but 5 times, when by all accounts, I should have died, and then always, always placing the right people in the right place at the right time, all doing their part to bring me back to Him.
All of this so that I could stand here before you now, completely whole, a living example of His precious, perfect Amazing Grace.
* * *
Amazing Grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now am Found Was blind But now I see. ~John Newton~Don’t miss the complete series here:
- Amazing Grace: My Story (Part 1: Falling)
- Amazing Grace: My Story (Part 2: Clouds Lifting)
- Amazing Grace: My Story (Part 3: Changing Paths)
- Amazing Grace: My Story (Part 4: But for Grace)
PIN FOR LATER
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR HOME LIFE
Ever feel like you just can't keep up? Our Living Well Starter Guide will show you how to start streamlining your life in just 3 simple steps. It's a game changer--get it free for a limited time!
If you love this resource, be sure to check out our digital library of helpful tools and resources for cleaning faster, taking control of your budget, organizing your schedule, and getting food on the table easier than ever before.
I’m glad you put this story out there and you have recovered. The you in part 1 and the beginning of part 2 could be my soul sister. It’s funny how some things work out and some don’t. I keep waiting for the light to tell me why my marriage didn’t work out. Why my ex didn’t love me. Why my dad is mentally and emotionally abusive and my sisters and I were raised by him. Why men think it’s ok to rape a girl when she is begging for him to stop. Why my best friend who I spoke to everyday invited one of my rapist to her New Years Eve party and invited me. My best friend of 14 years who obviously didn’t believe me. Why I got bullied by my boss (who I trusted for years and she suddenly became a horrible person and not just to me) out of my 9 year job. A job that I loved and was passionate about. How did I end up married to a man who did give a kidney for me to get one – I asked him to marry me so I would have health insurance. It had nothing to do with love. Now he is resentful towards me bc my transplant doctor doesn’t want me working right now with Covid. No friends. People tend to run when one tries to commit suicide or is upset that they lived through having a baby when I should have bleed to death and died. I’m used to being here mentally and I’m good.
Praying for you Jen.
Awww I’m glad you have survived all of your past demons and even though it is taken you a long time – seem to have come out of the other side…I wish I could give you a big hug! Reading your story – struck a chord with me, Thankyou sooo much for sharing and I am sooo glad that you are now in a wonderful place. Wishing you and your family nothing but good thoughts! Take care love.
Really amazing. Where do I begin? I am shocked to know all of this about you, but not very surprised. Really anointed people usually have really difficult pasts. And you, my friend, are truly anointed. I listen to Do It Scared regularly, and I’m like, this woman is amazing… so much compassion, insight. Now I know why. I’m a wife, mother, minister and creative with a difficult past who is looking for a way to bring in income from home. I plan to start EBA in March pending finances. It actually has to work. My husband makes a good living as an engineer but we both want so much more for our life and family. My personal finances are also out of whack after starting and stopping an MBA program. I need this to work!!
I can relate to much of this story, am so glad you found your way back to your faith and have a lot of hope knowing how it has all turned out. Your platform is just so expansive! I recently decided to turn my story, my passion into a blog and video series that will help others find wholeness and joy, the way I did. I do a watered-down version of this on my Instagram page (@happyashleytv) but have been spinning my wheels and procrastinating for YEARS and am finally ready to get some traction and results (for the sake of my sanity, self respect and my husband’s wallet).
I’m just… wow. Thank you for sharing. God bless!
I will put my website here but I have not yet launched.
I am new to your blog but came across these posts and felt compelled to read them. I have dealt with depression for a long time and I appreciate you sharing your story. I am so happy that you made it through those dark times and are a wonderful, successful woman now! Though I am not religious, I can appreciate your journey and how finding one thing to focus you, keep you grounded, helped you through the darkness. Thank you for sharing your story!
I’m happy I got to read your whole story. It’s funny actually, because this very morning I felt compelled to pray for you more seriously then in previous months. Will continue to pray Jesus draws you closer then ever before. You have a platform to rock the world and change the course of history and eternity in the lives of so many and also for His Kingdom. Praying that will be brought to pass!!