Amazing Grace–Ruth Soukup’s incredible, inspiring story of childhood trauma, depression, self-destruction, and ultimately, redemption.
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In the fall of 2009, just a few months after Annie was born, we made the decision to move back to Florida. It had become clear that my 85-year-old mother-in-law, Marie, was no longer able to live on her own, so we made plans to pick her up in Chicago and bring her to Florida to live with us.
I wasn’t eager to leave our nice little life in Seattle and the transition back to Punta Gorda was more than a little painful.
The combination of caring for 2 small children and an octogenarian was trying on the best days and sheer misery on the worst. Annie, at 6 months old, kept us up for hours every single night, usually crying non-stop from about 2am to 5am. My Mother-in-law had a whole other set of issues to manage—countless pills & doctors appointments, hearing & vision loss, high blood pressure, difficulty keeping her balance. It often felt like we had 3 kids instead of 2, and we were totally overwhelmed.
Our friends from before, all either childless or long past the baby stage, simply couldn’t relate to our stage of life, and they quickly disappeared, one by one. As the months went by my despair grew. I was sleep deprived, lonely, bored and miserable. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself , and the rest of the time being angry at Chuck.
I coped by spending. Not surprisingly, it didn’t help. The more I shopped, the emptier and more miserable I felt, so to make up for it, I shopped even more. Chuck, understandably, responded to my out-of-control shopping habit with anger and frustration.
That spring our marriage–and our life in general–were at a breaking point and yet neither of us had a clue how to fix it, how to break the vicious cycle or improve our situation. It felt like there was no way out.
Salvation came in the most unlikely form.
Long before my children were born, long before I was even born, long before my husband or his only sister were grown, my mother-in-law Marie had dreamed that the train of her wedding dress would be made into a christening gown for her grandchildren.
But life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect. Chuck’s sister opted not to have children and when Chuck entered his 40s still a bachelor, marriage or children seemed unlikely. By her eightieth birthday, Marie had given up hope of ever becoming a grandmother.
When my oldest daughter Maggie was born, the Christening Gown–this lifelong dream of Marie’s–became a hot topic of conversation. After making her wait 83 years we couldn’t not make the dress, but obviously we couldn’t just put her in the dress and not actually have her christened. That presented a problem because Chuck and I were not at all religious.
By that point, God and I had reached an understanding, or at least I thought we had. I would try to be a good person; He would leave us alone. I was no longer angry, but I certainly wasn’t interested in a relationship.
But baptism is a big deal to church people. They won’t just let you walk in off the street and have your kid baptized. You have to be a member of the church. For Maggie’s christening we lucked out. I was technically still a member of the church I had grown up in, even though I hadn’t attended in at least 10 years. We had the very special dress made and she was baptized the day after her first birthday.
As Annie’s first birthday approached, the pressure was mounting to have her also christened in The Dress. We needed to find a church, and fast. We decided to try out the church of the minister who had married us, Pastor John, since we had always liked him. He was laid back and friendly and, most importantly, extremely non-judgmental. Besides, we were sorta desperate, so any church would do.
We started attending services for the sole purpose of having Annie baptized. But surprisingly enough, at least to me, we didn’t hate it. The people were SO nice. Weirdly nice, going out of their way to talk to us and make us feel welcome. After having felt so isolated for so long, it was refreshing. So we kept coming back, Sunday after Sunday, despite our reluctance. When Pastor John retired and a new guy took his place we considered not going anymore. But something still kept us there.
Our very first week, a sweet woman named Angie invited us to join a small group called the Homebuilders. She explained that their goal, as the name suggested, was to help build strong marriages and strong families. We thanked her, but politely declined. Church was one thing, but we were definitely not Bible study kind-of people.
It took a whole year of almost weekly invitations before we finally gave in to her persistence and agreed to attend the Homebuilders group. Even then it was months and months before I actually looked forward to going. Every other Tuesday, Chuck and I would ponder how we could possible get out of it without hurting Angie’s feelings. We could never come up with anything, and she was just so nice, so we kept going.
God was working at me from all sides, almost like a relentless stray cat who kept coming back, nudging me, and forcing me to accept him. This new pastor, Mike, had definitely been blessed with the gift of preaching and his sermons began to rock me to the core, while the fellowship of this incredible group gave me a glimpse of what it really meant to walk with Christ.
Finally, after so many years of doing it on my own, I just stopped trying to resist.
God could have me.
And then suddenly it all became so clear.
All these events in my life, all these things that had, up until that point, seemed random and unrelated, now made sense. It was like I had been standing right in front of a big painting, staring so closely at one small section that I couldn’t see the larger picture. God forced me to step back and see the whole thing, and it was far, far more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined.
The emptiness was finally filled.
Every single step of the way, even when I had rejected and turned my back to God, even when I thought I could do it all on my own, He was there, protecting me, watching over me, saving my life, not once but 5 times, when by all accounts, I should have died, and then always, always placing the right people in the right place at the right time, all doing their part to bring me back to Him.
All of this so that I could stand here before you now, completely whole, a living example of His precious, perfect Amazing Grace.
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Amazing Grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now am Found Was blind But now I see. ~John Newton~Have you heard the news? It’s the 12th Anniversary of our LWSL Holiday Planner! For…
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Ruth,
Thank you for sharing your story. I just signed up for EBA and decided I should check out your about page. What an amazing testimony of God's love, faithfulness, and grace. Looking forward to seeing all God has in store for you through your blogs :)
Melissa
GOD'S QUILT
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord
along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives
like the squares of a quilt in many piles. An Angel sat before
each of us sewing our quilt squares together into tapestry that
is our life. But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the
pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They
were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part
of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations
I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured,
which were the largest holes of all. I glanced around me. No one
else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the
other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues
of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together,
threadbare and empty, like binding air. Finally the time came when
each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny
of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their
tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon
me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in
shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes..... I had love in my
life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and
death, and false accusations that took from me my world as I knew
it. I had to start over many times, I often struggled with the
temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up
and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking
for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to
ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to
the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath
the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. Now, I had to
face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it
for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of
my life to the light. A gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the
others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the
tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an
image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with
warmth and love in His eyes. He said,'Every time you gave over
your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My
struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped
aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than
there was of you. May all our quilts be threadbare and worn,
allowing Christ to shine through. Please share this with someone
you love, care about or even someone who needs Jesus in their
heart. They may scoff, but at least the seed has been planted, and
God will do the rest. May God bless you today and forever ....
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
By angel78
Your story made me cry. Thank you so so much for sharing. You are amazing.
So I am fairly new to the whole Pinterest thing and I stumbled on your website because of the "New uses for Old things" article. And as I browsed more and more, I came upon your Amazing Grace story. I may be late in commenting (not sure how long ago you had written it),but I was captivated and like many of your other blog followers, read it all in one shot. I am now a huge fan of yours because of how you kicked depression's butt and have never looked back (except of course when you wrote your story!) I wish there was some way of tracking how many lives you've inspired to carry on and to fight the good fight and mostly, by your Faith, how many lives you may have redeemed! May God continue to Bless you Ruth!
I want to thank you for sharing your testimony. I really spoke to me. I was sexually abused by a boyfriend for three years when I was a teenager. I am still to this day, 15 years later, dealing with that trauma. You telling your story has given me a new hope that I can heal fully from this with God's help.
Hi Ruth,
THIS IS A SIGN THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
You see, last October 2014, we left our sweet life in Manila to start a new life in another island/city here in the Philippines. The original plan was to put up a cake shop so we gathered all our stuff and jumped into another life, hopeful that everything will work out.
Unfortunately, things didn't go well as planned. The cake business didn't prosper, we got in a huge debt (money used for the transfer and start up) and my supposed to be partners were continually bugging us that we pay them. All those stress finally took its toll, because everything I have planned has fallen apart right before my very eyes. So I got depressed eventually.
Thank you so much, Ruth! You've made me realize that it is okay to quit and go back to where we used to be, and that it is okay to make mistakes, even the expensive ones.
People may laugh at me for failing, but honestly right now, I no longer care.
Ruth after being receiving your emails and now the Planner (please forgive me for my mistakes English is not my language) I read your story, thank you for allowing us to follow your life at this moment I'm having some problems that keep me all the time in the house (my 98 years old father) but your words always give me a light in my walking everyday.
Thank you for the love you put in the planner and all the writing you shera with us God bless you and your family. Merry Christmas and a Fabulous New YeAr 2016
Ruth thank you for sharing. I think I finally understand what my daughter has gone through, her story is very similar to yours and I finally get it. Again thanks so much, I often tell my daughter it wasn't a mistake or mistakes if you learned from it. Wow, I have an even greater appreciation and respect for you, GOD'S GRACE Is always sufficient.
Thank you for sharing your story, youve come a long way! Well done.
Thank you for sharing this. So many things stood out to me, either illuminating my own life, or are tidbits to remember as I seek to love and uplift those around me. xo