Amazing Grace–Ruth Soukup’s incredible, inspiring story of childhood trauma, depression, self-destruction, and ultimately, redemption.
* * *
In the fall of 2009, just a few months after Annie was born, we made the decision to move back to Florida. It had become clear that my 85-year-old mother-in-law, Marie, was no longer able to live on her own, so we made plans to pick her up in Chicago and bring her to Florida to live with us.
I wasn’t eager to leave our nice little life in Seattle and the transition back to Punta Gorda was more than a little painful.
The combination of caring for 2 small children and an octogenarian was trying on the best days and sheer misery on the worst. Annie, at 6 months old, kept us up for hours every single night, usually crying non-stop from about 2am to 5am. My Mother-in-law had a whole other set of issues to manage—countless pills & doctors appointments, hearing & vision loss, high blood pressure, difficulty keeping her balance. It often felt like we had 3 kids instead of 2, and we were totally overwhelmed.
Our friends from before, all either childless or long past the baby stage, simply couldn’t relate to our stage of life, and they quickly disappeared, one by one. As the months went by my despair grew. I was sleep deprived, lonely, bored and miserable. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself , and the rest of the time being angry at Chuck.
I coped by spending. Not surprisingly, it didn’t help. The more I shopped, the emptier and more miserable I felt, so to make up for it, I shopped even more. Chuck, understandably, responded to my out-of-control shopping habit with anger and frustration.
That spring our marriage–and our life in general–were at a breaking point and yet neither of us had a clue how to fix it, how to break the vicious cycle or improve our situation. It felt like there was no way out.
Salvation came in the most unlikely form.
Long before my children were born, long before I was even born, long before my husband or his only sister were grown, my mother-in-law Marie had dreamed that the train of her wedding dress would be made into a christening gown for her grandchildren.
But life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect. Chuck’s sister opted not to have children and when Chuck entered his 40s still a bachelor, marriage or children seemed unlikely. By her eightieth birthday, Marie had given up hope of ever becoming a grandmother.
When my oldest daughter Maggie was born, the Christening Gown–this lifelong dream of Marie’s–became a hot topic of conversation. After making her wait 83 years we couldn’t not make the dress, but obviously we couldn’t just put her in the dress and not actually have her christened. That presented a problem because Chuck and I were not at all religious.
By that point, God and I had reached an understanding, or at least I thought we had. I would try to be a good person; He would leave us alone. I was no longer angry, but I certainly wasn’t interested in a relationship.
But baptism is a big deal to church people. They won’t just let you walk in off the street and have your kid baptized. You have to be a member of the church. For Maggie’s christening we lucked out. I was technically still a member of the church I had grown up in, even though I hadn’t attended in at least 10 years. We had the very special dress made and she was baptized the day after her first birthday.
As Annie’s first birthday approached, the pressure was mounting to have her also christened in The Dress. We needed to find a church, and fast. We decided to try out the church of the minister who had married us, Pastor John, since we had always liked him. He was laid back and friendly and, most importantly, extremely non-judgmental. Besides, we were sorta desperate, so any church would do.
We started attending services for the sole purpose of having Annie baptized. But surprisingly enough, at least to me, we didn’t hate it. The people were SO nice. Weirdly nice, going out of their way to talk to us and make us feel welcome. After having felt so isolated for so long, it was refreshing. So we kept coming back, Sunday after Sunday, despite our reluctance. When Pastor John retired and a new guy took his place we considered not going anymore. But something still kept us there.
Our very first week, a sweet woman named Angie invited us to join a small group called the Homebuilders. She explained that their goal, as the name suggested, was to help build strong marriages and strong families. We thanked her, but politely declined. Church was one thing, but we were definitely not Bible study kind-of people.
It took a whole year of almost weekly invitations before we finally gave in to her persistence and agreed to attend the Homebuilders group. Even then it was months and months before I actually looked forward to going. Every other Tuesday, Chuck and I would ponder how we could possible get out of it without hurting Angie’s feelings. We could never come up with anything, and she was just so nice, so we kept going.
God was working at me from all sides, almost like a relentless stray cat who kept coming back, nudging me, and forcing me to accept him. This new pastor, Mike, had definitely been blessed with the gift of preaching and his sermons began to rock me to the core, while the fellowship of this incredible group gave me a glimpse of what it really meant to walk with Christ.
Finally, after so many years of doing it on my own, I just stopped trying to resist.
God could have me.
And then suddenly it all became so clear.
All these events in my life, all these things that had, up until that point, seemed random and unrelated, now made sense. It was like I had been standing right in front of a big painting, staring so closely at one small section that I couldn’t see the larger picture. God forced me to step back and see the whole thing, and it was far, far more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined.
The emptiness was finally filled.
Every single step of the way, even when I had rejected and turned my back to God, even when I thought I could do it all on my own, He was there, protecting me, watching over me, saving my life, not once but 5 times, when by all accounts, I should have died, and then always, always placing the right people in the right place at the right time, all doing their part to bring me back to Him.
All of this so that I could stand here before you now, completely whole, a living example of His precious, perfect Amazing Grace.
* * *
Amazing Grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now am Found Was blind But now I see. ~John Newton~Have you heard the news? It’s the 12th Anniversary of our LWSL Holiday Planner! For…
LWSL & Co. Favorite 5 It seems crazy that it's fall already, but we can…
Lisa's Favorite 5 I'm a busy wife, mom, and gigi, so I'm all about finding…
Feeling like your finances are out of control can be downright scary. Don't miss these…
Amanda's Favorite 5 Do you spend so much time pouring into everyone else in your…
Danny's Favorite 5 Need some gift ideas for the Dads in your life? I've got…
Simplify your life in just 3 simple steps. Get our Living Well Starter Guide, absolutely free!
View Comments
But God. Amazing story! So glad you shared it! :-)!!!!!!
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story.
I could say a lot, but I will keep it short: you are a lovely person and very strong and well, simply amazing! You give me hope; while I have not experienced the pain that you have, my life is difficult, but you give me the hope I need that I can make the changes to turn my life into what I need and what I would like it to be. Thank you darling, for being a light in the dark.
Hi Ruth,
I recently stumbled across your blog & it's totally awesome! I'm an empty-nester of 2 adults daughters & trust me, when I say I've been around the block or two in my life! Your testimony, your oh-so-bold transparency is nothing short of God's Amazing Grace. I'm blessed by reading this blog & you yourself, my Dear are a real blessing to others!! Keep sharing & ignore any of the "mean girls" comments out there!! They know who they are, shame on them!! There's always a critic (self-centered,tearing everyone else down but themselves) in every crowd! God Bless you in every way, Sista!! jls
Dear Ruth,
For some reason I was drawn to my computer to google 'how to start couponing' tonight, and stumbled across your site. As I skimmed your blog I couldn't help but be impressed by your commitment to organization and frugality- two of my top weaknesses. As I was about to leave the site in disappointment, believing you had mastered level of life perfection that was far from ever being within my reach, the story of Amazing Grace nearly jumped off the screen and slapped me across the face.
Too much of your story struck a similar chord within me. Sexually assaulted. Years of pain and denial. Suicide attempts. Hospitalization. The weight loss. Feeling crazy. Judgement. Intellectualizing my pain. That feeling- that awful feeling- of waking up after attempting to take your life. And the guilt. Insurmountable guilt. Not just in the events that occurred, but the impact on friends and family, the questionable "wallowing," the lingering feeling of failure, in everything (even suicide)... and finally, reaching the point in therapy when you just want to go forward and stop rehashing the dirty details of the past.
One thing I have always had was my faith in God, and for that I am grateful. And yet, I continue to feel the yearning for healing... even with God at my side, *something* is missing. I am far from clinical depression and suicidal ideation, but my FEAR of that place, those thoughts, that pain... it paralyzes me at times. I am very much "stuck" in the place where I do what I want, when I want, without care or concern of its effects on me in both the present and the future. I distract myself with alcohol, men, and hours of mindless TV. I recognize my strength, the magnitude of love in my life, and the tremendous courage and commitment it has taken to come this far. And yet, the fear continues to make me feel like I'm in an endless stalemate with my heart.
You, Ruth, give me hope. You remind me that I am far from alone. You remind me of the power in sharing our story. You remind me of the love of our Lord and the beautiful ways he brings us together to care for one another. I have spent many nights crying, praying, pleading, for direction and encouragement. You helped me to remember that having a heart at peace means being able to let go of the past and focus only on the future. To take small steps. To rejoice in every success. To reach out to my community of faith. And to never forget the beauty of the big picture, no matter how distorted the snapshot.
Thank you for sharing your story. For being an example of what I may heal to become. You give me hope.
From my heart,
Susie
What an amazing story, and what a strong women you are! I have a feeling that you will touch many lives by being so open about yours. Thank you so much for sharing! We love following your blog.
This was just what I needed to hear. I'm sobbing! Thank you for sharing your story. I've been in a pit alone for so long that I had forgotten to reach my hand up.
Ruth, That is truly an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing, even though I'm sure it was very, very difficult. What you said about not realizing you'd hit rock bottom until you were coming out of it makes a lot of sense to me. I have kind of been in denial about my own depression, but the signs are there. I will try exercising to start. I have to start somewhere. I did have one question at the end of the story though. Maybe I missed this, but did your husband come to know God as Lord & Savior, as well, around the same time you did? I hope so! Take care and thank you for being a blessing to others!
Dealing with physical pain and the medications, and the overall not feeling normal can take its toile. When my Dr. Brought up the subject of depression I immediately said no not me. Then as time went on I began to realize I needed help. But the stigma that goes along with depression I just kept saying I'm a Christian, I don't have lots of problems I'm blessed. Still I would have insomnia, or sleep all the time start crying for no reason. My Christian Dr told me if I heart problem and he told me I needed medicine would I take it, of course I said yes. So he explained about depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance, since I was on so many pain med's and trying to manage pain. He really encouraged me to try the anti depressant, I very tried several I'm on one now it seems to be helping. We never know what can flip the switch in our body for something to go wrong. I'm so glad you found Christ. I enjoy your blog. I will be sharing this testimony of yours. With others I know who have and are struggling. May God. Continue to Bless you as you bless others.
Your story is much like my own. It gave me goosebumps and tears.
I should be dead. But He was there. He has always been there.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being brave.