The thing about hitting rock bottom is that you don’t actually know you are there until things finally start to get better. At the time, it was a very scary place to be. After spending two years living under the dark cloud of depression all my hope was gone. I knew nothing except sadness and misery and I felt so utterly alone.
Most of my friends, even those who were supportive at first, had given up on me. Those who hadn’t given up simply didn’t know how to help, so they just let me be.
People can only be patient and understanding for so long. By that point it must have seemed like I was wallowing, and in truth, I may have been. I don’t blame them for getting frustrated. I was so consumed by the depression that I had nothing to give.
I moved in with my dad because I had nowhere else to go. I spent almost all my time lying in bed. I was too exhausted to even try and hurt myself anymore.
Now that I have children of my own, I have a whole new perspective of that time. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for my father to watch me lie there day after day, in so much pain, without any idea of how to help me. But my dad is a man of action, and desperate to get me out of bed, he finally convinced me—bribed me actually, with the promise of a cell phone—to start exercising. He was convinced it would help.
I wanted nothing less than to go to the gym, but I did, if only for him. For a long time that 30 minutes on the treadmill was literally the only thing I could manage to do all day. I would come home and go straight back to bed. But after a few months, amazingly enough, I started to feel a little better.
The clouds were lifting.
I found a new therapist and told her that I had spent the past two years talking about every bad thing that had ever happened to me and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Instead, I now just wanted to figure out how to live a normal life again. After two years in psychiatric hospitals, of madness and self-destructive, dangerous behavior, I honestly had no idea what “normal” even meant.
Dr. Marek was amazing. I saw her three times a week and we talked about concrete, tangible ways to get my life back. I stopped dwelling on the past and began creating a future. It was a huge paradigm shift.
My dad, in a leap of faith for which I will be forever grateful and against the advice of everyone he knew, gave me a job and helped me get an apartment. I got a dog, which gave me a reason to get out of bed and go for long walks every morning. I began to make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and even found a way to make peace with my family again.
But not with God.
Instead, I did my own thing. I worked hard and excelled at my job. I went back to school to finish the degree I had abandoned when I went off the deep end. I relished my single life, went out dancing almost every night, watched football, threw parties, and went camping on the weekends. I spent every single day doing exactly what I wanted when I wanted. And it was fun.
Even so, something was missing.
I decided going to law school was the best way to fill the void I still felt. I didn’t just want to get my law degree, but my business degree as well. I buried myself into studying for the LSAT and GMAT and spent countless hours filling out applications, visiting schools, and interviewing for acceptance. In February 2004, I was accepted to the Dual-Degree JD/MBA program at Washington University in Saint Louis, my top choice. I was thrilled.
Two weeks later, I met Chuck. We had actually been introduced a few months before earlier, through mutual friends, but on March 10th, 2004, four years and 1 day after my first suicide attempt, we began dating. I don’t know if it was love at first sight, but it was close. From the very beginning, we both just knew.
Within a month of dating, he made plans to quit his fancy job as an aerospace engineer and move with me to Saint Louis so I could attend school.
No one thought this was a good idea. My oldest brother angrily told me I was ruining my life. My friends and family, who had watched me struggle for so long, and who were so supportive of my new plan to go back to school, did not want to see me throw my life away again on some random guy. His friends told him he was crazy for throwing away a great career to chase a “leggy blonde” halfway across the country.
We couldn’t really blame them. Not only did we barely know each other, he was almost 20 years older than me. We were complete opposites in almost every way: I smoked, he hated smoking. I was a flaming liberal; he was as conservative as they come. I liked things complicated; he was just a simple guy. He liked meat; I prefer vegetables. None of that mattered. We both just knew.
After packing up our things and depositing them in St. Louis, we decided to spend that summer before law school at his house in Florida, (the house he had bought to retire at after resigning himself to the idea that he would never marry.) On August 13th, 2004 Hurricane Charley, a category 4 storm, swept through Southwest Florida. Punta Gorda, our little town, was the eye of the storm.
Chuck was brave; I was not. He ran around battening down the hatches while our front door blew in and the neighbor’s tile roof came crashing through the windows at 140 miles per hour. I spent the hours of the storm huddled in the closet with a mattress over my head, screaming “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die! I want to go to law school, I don’t want to die!”
It was in that moment, as frightened as I was, that I knew I had finally found the will to live.
If you are suffering from depression or PTSD, please know that you are not alone. It is so hard to see the light when you are in the midst of the darkness, but it doesn’t mean the light isn’t there. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, there is help available. Please talk to someone as soon as possible–a counselor, pastor, doctor, or friend, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
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Thank you for sharing. I was in your spot and only surrendering to God gave me life again. I was once told "suicide was the most selfish thing you could do" all I could say to that person was they didn't understand. When you're that low you feel it is the most selfless thing you can do because everyone would be better off without you. It is a terrible lie, but when hope is fading fast it is the only thing you have left to cling to. I thank God everyday that he brought me out of it and now I see myself as on the most bravest strongest women I have ever known. I see him exactly as he sees me, "fearfully and wonderfully made."
That's awesome Brandi. It is so true! Thank you so much for sharing. :-)
Thank you.
You're welcome. :-)
Thank you friend for sharing your heart and whole wonderful self with us. I was under a table at the Cultural Center that day. I am so glad you found that will inside you. As you put it to me, the brokenness is now being used for God's glory. God brought us into one another's lives. I am grateful.
Angie, I thank God for putting you in my life every single day. xoxo
I think it's very interesting that your dad told you to exercise. I used to struggle with depression and exercise was the only thing that helped. I also think it is very powerful not to dwell on the past and relive horrible things that have happened. Just like it says in Phillipians, "Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."
Exercise is definitely very powerful! Love that verse.
Hi Ruth, I started following your blog via a link from where I can't remember. I read it through Google Reader and have my files set up Read Daily, Read Monday, Read Tuesday and so on. I do this to limit myself in the time I spend on the computer. When I first subscribe to a blog I usually drop in it the check daily just so I can read it for a week or so to see if it is a blog I love and then I determine what day to put it on.
As I said, I don't remember how I found you, it could have been from a link on another blog or from a Pin. Irregardless, my first reading was your story of Amazing Grace Part One. I thought to myself, what in the world how did I subscribe to this kind of blog. However, your story was captivating and I kept it in my file. Today, I read Part Two and I'm so glad I subscribed, however it is I got here. What a story thus far. Thank you for writing it and I know that God will use it for good.
Since I am doing laundry today (a lot of laundry) I decided to go back to the beginning of your blog and read more about this Ruth girl. I am enjoying it so and would encourage others to do the same. I have found several things to Pin and I am only on October 17, 2010! I've been a rare user of coupons, spending more time clipping and filing than using. I did the CVS thing for awhile and made it a goal to "stop the CVS madness" because I was spending so much money just for the deal. Your series on couponing has made me think about taking another look at things and I used your Saving Well, Spending Less site to print out a list at a couple of stores to try tomorrow. Thank you so much for all that you are offering here and God bless you in your mission of serving your family and your readers.
Julie, thank you so much for sharing this with me. Sometimes I struggle with the right way of bringing all the different facets of myself and my life to this blog. The fact is that while using coupons is important to me, and a great way to save money, being "the coupon girl" is only a very small part of who I am. Thank you for keeping me in your reader. :-)
Ruth you are inspiring many woman with each post you write about your past. I know writing these posts must be very tiring and sometimes a struggle to write it "just so". Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Erin. That really means a lot.
Again, thank you for sharing. Your story will help so many to change their own lives.
You're welcome Michele, and thank you.
Ruth, today you are such a beautiful person inside and out! your story gives me hope that I can be a great women and future mother like you! <3
I made her.
I made her, she is different. She’s unique.
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day
I created her. Psalm 139:13-16
I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh.
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her. Psalm 139:17
I made her pretty and not beautiful,
Because I knew her heart,
And I knew she would be vain.
I wanted her to search out her heart
And to learn that it would be Me in her
That would make her beautiful?
And it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her. 1 Peter 3:3-5
I made her in such a way,
That she would need Me,
I made her a little more lonesome than she
Would like to be.
Only because I want her to turn to Me
In her loneliness.
Only because I need for her to learn and
Depend on Me.
I know her heart, I know if I had not made
Her like this
She would go her own way
And forget Me- her Creator. Psalm 62:5-8
I have given her many good and happy things.
Because I love her. Psalm 84:11 & Romans 8:32
Because I love her,
I have seen her broken heart.
And the tears she has cried alone,
I have cried with her.
And had a broken heart with her, too. Psalm 56:8
Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone
Only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she’s learned the hard way
Because she would not listen
To my voice. Isaiah 53:6
So many times I have set back
And sadly watched her go her merry way alone
Only to watch her return to My arms,
Sad and broken. Isaiah 66:2
And now she is mine again!
I made her, and I bought her.
Because I love her. Romans 5:8
I have to reshape and remould her.
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me. Jeremiah 29:11
I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her,
Because I beleive in her and love her. 2 Corinthians 2:14
Thank you Christina!