Ever secretly wonder if you really are a good mom? While none of us is perfect, there are 5 habits that all amazing moms share!
Even before I had my first child, I was determined to be a good mom. I devoured every parenting book I could get my hands on and purchased far too many “must-have” gadgets. If I was going to attempt this mom thing, I was going to do it right! I sought advice from everyone I knew, constantly searching for the magic formula that would help me to succeed at mothering.
I have met women who home-school their young children, graciously endure lengthy deployments or sacrifice their own ambitions to care for a special needs child. There are others who have faithfully supported their husband through times of unemployment, lovingly opened up their homes to foster care children or managed to raise good kids without the help of a spouse.
As women, we often compare ourselves with one another. I have discovered that there are two ways to do this. The first is to compare the strengths we see in others to the weaknesses we feel within ourselves. This type of comparison always leaves us feeling inadequate, incapable and insecure. The second is to focus on the failures and shortcomings we see in others to boost our own self-esteem. This will make us feel better for a while, but those feelings fade quickly.
Rather than falling victim to the comparison trap, it is far better to learn from and encourage one another. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to one another and start focusing our energy on our children. We are all on our own unique journey towards becoming the best moms we can.
Here are 5 habits I have learned from the amazing moms in my life. Each of these habits has brought me one step closer to the kind of mother I aspire to be.
For kids, perception is reality. If they perceive that Mommy is always busy or distracted, then it then becomes fact in their minds. As a child, I perceived that my mom spent more time working than she did playing with me; therefore, my child-like conclusion was that she loved her work more than she loved me.
As an adult, I can look back and see how flawed my thinking was. But that doesn’t change the fact that I spent a portion of my childhood feeling unloved and unimportant.
As moms, it is critical for us to invest time and energy into understanding our children. Consistently seeking to put ourselves in their shoes and trying to understand their perspective is the first step towards a happy, healthy relationship with our children.
Kids will only see things from their perspectives if we don’t take the time to share our perspectives with them. It is essential that we patiently explain to our children why Mommy can’t spend the whole day playing with them. Open dialog helps our children to understand why we do what we do. It also builds a foundation of trust and honesty in the relationship.
Openness is a two-way street. It is critical we take the time to ask our children thoughtful questions. Listen carefully to their answers and develop follow-up questions. Many times children do not even know how to define what they are feeling with words. It is our job as parents to teach them how to express their feelings in a positive way.
Once they have opened up to you, reinforce this positive behavior by taking action on what they have said. It will show them that you are a safe place for them and that you truly care about their thoughts and feelings.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Understanding that your children have needs that only you can meet and focusing your energy on preventing problems before they occur is the key to successful parenting.
Set aside time each day to prepare a schedule, dividing your time wisely between your household responsibilities and your family. Allow your children to participate by choosing a few fun activities they would like to do with you each day. Be creative and take breaks regularly through the day to engage in these pre-planned activities with your children. Fill their heads and hearts with memories of Mommy focusing 100% of her energy on them.
Being prepared is choosing to be proactive rather than reactive in our relationships with our children. This choice will not only strengthen those relationships, but it will also serve as a daily reminder to our children of their value and significance.
As moms, we are constantly being tempted to stretch ourselves too thin. When Mom is stressed and overworked, the whole family suffers. It is important that we recognize our own limitations and seek help when necessary.
Choosing to be humble in our role as a mother is choosing to accept our imperfections. Learning to say “I’m sorry” to our children when we mess up shows them that nobody is perfect… not even Mommy!
Don’t overlook the fact that we all need a bit of help from time to time. I find that I can get more housework done in a few hours of focused time (with NO kids to distract me) than a whole day of juggling my responsibilities. Find someone to kid swap with or let your husband take the kids out for a “daddy-date” every once in a while so you can get caught up on your t0-do list.
Kids need to know they are loved. Words aren’t enough. We must also show them love through our actions. Learning the love languages of your children is so beneficial. Discovering whether it is touch, words, quality time, gifts or acts of service that truly communicates love to your child takes time and persistence. Loving our children in the way they receive love is the most valuable gift we will ever give them.
I find if I give my girls a dose of love right away in the morning, or right after they get home from school, things go much better for all of us. It seems like 10-20 minutes of focused attention first thing fills them up and frees them to go play contentedly awhile without Mommy’s undivided attention.
I have recently sold many of my how-to manuals on parenting and realized that all the gadgets in the world won’t make this job easy. I have finally accepted the fact that I will never be a perfect mom. I have learned that it is okay to admire and respect other women for their beauty and strength but there is no good thing that comes from trying to compare myself with them. I believe that the only way to find freedom from the comparison trap is to redirect our energy towards learning from and encouraging one another.
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I love all the nuggets of wisdom in this post! Being proactive vs reactive is something I really need to work on.
Thanks for this fantastic reminder that we are enough! I’ve found that you’re right - if I can give my daughter my undivided attention for just 10-20 minutes first thing in the morning - without checking emails, sending a quick text to a friend, or even doing little things around the house - it seems to fill her up and free her to happily play on her own. Just a little undivided attention goes a looong way.
Great article. I enjoyed reading it and will share it on Pinterest. It's easy to get caught up in our every day busy lives and takes a conscious effort at times to stop and truly hone in on our child's needs. This article is a good reminder of that. Also love the 'not comparing' ourselves to other mom's.
Thanks a lot for your post. It was sooo helpful.
I'm a first time mom and i'm so worried that I won't be any good at it. But reading this 5 habits has made me feel a lot better because this are things I not only do with my nieces and nephews, but also with my husband and family. After all our children are not the only ones who need attention, demonstrations of love and to be understood, everyone in our lives needs the same.
I do believe that applying this to kids is more difficult, as most of us have forgotten to some degree what it was to be a child and todiscover the world around us and inside of us for the first time, so reading this while being pregnant makes me feel at ease that I will have enough time to practice with those around me to make sure my children fell loved and understood.
Also, I think all of these habits are also great for dads. Luckly, my husband works from home and circumstances had led me to become a housewife (which I'm thrilled about), so my husband will have plenty of time to bond and spend time with out kids. However most dad's don't have that luxary and kids might feel a bit left aside since momies are the ones that spend more time with them.
I realise this is quite an old post but I feel it is forever relevant. I agree with all the points and my little girl is the same with the undivided attention. If I walk through the door after work and spend 20 minutes with my undivided attention on her she is a lot happier the whole afternoon and more likely to venture on her own while I get busy.
The reason for my comment is that I am the 'bread winner' in our family so my fiancee is the one to stay with our little girl at home while I go out and work. Just wanted to say you can still be a good mum when you are a working mum.
Thank you for this post btw, loved it!
Klaudia xo
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I love this! Sometimes we get so caught up on being the Pinterest perfect mom & forget that our kids just need us to be us. They just want love & attention.
I love this article! I am a stay at home mom of three and often get caught up in the day-to-day chores in life, forgetting to take some special time to spend with my kids. They often see me hustling around, cleaning, cooking, sewing, managing my online children's clothing shop, and running my husband's plumbing business. This article has given me a wonderful reminder of taking that time to spend with my kids. I too have noticed that when I do spend time 100% focused on them, they tend to be happier, less whiny, and less fighting. So Thank You for this read....I'm off to spend some time with my three precious gifts!
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Thank you for this post...I needed it today. It seems the older my daughter gets (She's 4), the less and less patience I have, and I know if I don't do something soon our relationship will suffer. I love all of these tips and will really take to heart some of the things you'd said. Thanks again!
Stacey, thank you for your kind words. I definitely poured my heart and soul into this piece. It is a subject that I have spent many hours pondering, and I am so glad to hear that my article has been an encouragement to you. I have had many conversations with my own mom about the topic, and I hope you find encouragement in the fact that I am grateful for my own mom's shortcomings. I love my mom more than anything. She wasn't perfect, but she has always been humble and loving. I believe that is far more important to our kids in the long run!
I love this list. I keep coming back to read it over and over because it speaks to me so clearly. I've definitely played the comparison game and it's just a quick way to make yourself feel awful. I will definitely be bookmarking this to read on those days when I feel like I'm failing as a parent.
Wow!This was an amazing article. You did a great job pinpointing the most important habits,out of all the things we do as Mothers. I think another important habit is to believe and treat yourself like you are amazing! Each of us are unique and I love hearing what other Moms are doing to be a success! I feel like I put the time into understanding my kids but I still don't often.This is very encouraging and beautiful! Thank you!
It is so easy to focus on our own shortcomings as moms, isn't it Kristianne? I agree that believing in ourselves and our own abilities to be the mom our kids need us to be is an extremely important thing. Thanks for adding to the conversation....