Six years I inadvertently ignited a firestorm when I took all my kids toys away. Six years later, the topic is as controversial as ever!
A little more than six years ago, I wrote what has become a now infamous post about taking my kids’ toys away.
At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience—a moment in time where, as a mom, I was frustrated by the fact that my kids had way too many toys, could never keep them picked up, and were seemingly more and more dissatisfied. It was almost like the more they had, the less content they were, and as a mom, it worried me.
Over the years, the comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to many others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy. I’ve been accused of being a sociopath and a child abuser, received hate mail and death threats, and have had entire Tumblr pages and forum threads devoted to what a horrible person I am.
And then, just this week, the whole controversy was revived when the story was first published on Bored Panda and then picked up by the Daily Mail, and I once again became the most hated mom on the Internet.
Oh my.
The thing is—even at the time, I knew my kids’ problem with too much stuff was my fault. How could it not be? I had been filling their lives with stuff the same way I was filling mine. I think in some way, I looked at it a way to fill a hole inside of me, and to right every wrong that had been done to me. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing. I equated giving them stuff with making them happy.
But in hindsight, that impulsive moment I took their toys away was the moment I realized it wasn’t working. All the stuff was NOT making them happier. If anything, it was having the opposite effect.
Was packing up all their toys in one fell swoop an overreaction by a tired mom of two young kids?
Probably.
But it was also a much-needed turning point for our family—and especially for me. It was the moment where we stopped letting stuff control our lives. It was the moment we decided to value experiences and imagination and togetherness over image.
And looking back, it was the moment that we decided to choose contentment.
So much changed in that moment—big changes that would never have occurred had I simply cleaned up their room one more time, or tried to get rid of a little at a time. We needed the paradigm shift. It was the catalyst that spurred so much real and necessary change in our lives.
My husband and I became more intentional about simplifying in all areas of our life. We went on a 2-month spending freeze, took a Financial Peace class and together worked to become debt-free, a journey I wrote about in my book Living Well Spending Less, and then again in Unstuffed.
That huge pile of toys sat in our hallway for about a week, and then we eventually figured out what to do with it all. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic, and, (especially when the girls were younger), we began a system of rotating out just a few toys at a time
We tried to focus on only keeping items that spurred creativity and imagination, and also became much more intentional with birthdays and holidays, choosing to gift experiences rather than just more stuff.
It has been six years, so my then 3 and 6 year old are now 9 and 12, growing into smart, kind, funny, creative, amazing young women with their own very distinct personalities. Every year I say this is my favorite year yet as a parent, just because they are so much fun (even as they sometimes drive me crazy!)
As far as causing lasting psychological damage to my kids, I can promise you that this has never been a concern.
Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy.
My daughters are in no way deprived. By most of the world’s standards, with plenty to eat, a comfortable home, and access to schooling, sports, medicine, art, and music, they are still extremely privileged. They have had opportunities that most kids their age could only dream of, like traveling to Australia and South America and Europe.
My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on. And to be honest, it is a conversation that we have regularly, even now.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. I won’t pretend, even for a second, that I always know what I’m doing, or that every decision that I’ve made has been the right one.
I fail as a mom on a daily basis.
Sometimes I’m impatient. Sometimes I don’t listen the way I should. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I’m unfair. There are many, many moments I don’t relish as a mom, and many other moments I’m not all that proud of.
But the thing is, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids.
No parent is perfect, no parent has all the answers, and teaching our kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, is always going to be a work in progress.
Taking my kids’ toys away was a pivotal moment in our lives, but that moment was also just one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And six years later, it is still a moment that I will always be grateful for.
P.S. Want to continue the conversation on this hot button topic? Let’s connect on Instagram.
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I just wanted to share I totally understand you I found your post just days after feeling guilty for thinking I should get rid of all I mean all they toys and when I read your article the next day I was still debating and my daughters started arguing about the mess on who should pick up what so I was at my limit so I went to the kitchen I got three black garbage bags and in went everything except books and art supplies they gave me a look like I was going crazy the next morning my 7 year old daughter said mom thank you I was baffled I couldn’t believe my ears my 5 year old was jumping for joy saying now they had all the space to do cartwheels thank you for taking the time to put yourself out there some of us need that motivation and kids need that minimalistic life to be more creative we now spend that time we used to use cleaning there room to go do gymnastics at our local gym thank you
I loved your first post and I love this one just as much. We don't have children, but I did this same thing with our stuff several years ago. Believe me it is time to do it again. My dad always told me that the more stuff we had it controlled us, we didn't control it. He was right on. Stuff does not bring happiness or contentment, relationships do. I have learned to be content with my needs and not my wants. Thank you sharing your experience and being an encouragement to those parents who needed a "push" to do what was right for their family.
I LOVED reading this. This is such an important thing to teach our children. Less is more. I grew up in Canada and at 25 decided to move to Nicaragua. I wanted to experience living in a country where they had so little so I could appreciate my "too muchness" in Canada. Let me tell you what an experience that was! I, along with mostly everyone there truly has so little. And they're all SO happy. The children don't have an abundance of toys, in fact they have rarely any. They have nature, and animals and family and friends and that's all they need. Their children are so happy and so well behaved and they don't know any better. They don't come from wealth or privilege, and you can bet that they are super grateful for what they have. It was so eye opening. Coming back to Canada after having my son there, we live a very minimalistic life now. I don't feel the need to have "everything" and in fact, I don't want it. I don't want things I don't need because I have finally realized that all that stuff doesn't make us any happier. My son will grow up in the same mind frame, I don't want him getting toys or too much clothing for his birthdays or holidays; books, or personally made items that he can appreciate do just fine.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to keep sharing your parenting story; I truly believe your story is one of the most important ones that have to be shared! It's also nice to find people who have a similar thought to my own, so thank you again!
Good luck with everything in this life ❤️
I wish all the people from the original post who said “vile things” would post an update about their own children today. I think we can guess how they turned out.
I agree with this process and did something similar. Everything went in the attic and was rotated in and out. As the girls aged, the stuff was left in the attic.
Even still, after living in the same 2500 sq foot house for 31 years, we had every nook and cranny filled with stuff. We still had every Barbie, lego, puzzle, dress up clothes, etc, etc. and we had all of my stuff. when I sold the house, the girls had to come home and go through their childhood “stuff”. We donated most of it to charity. When I actually moved, I donated most of my stuff to charity also.
I remember during the move my youngest (she is 33) said to me: Mom, doesn’t your brain feel better not having to look at all this stuff, clutter, chaos? I said my brain feels much better.
I go to their houses now, no stuff. They don’t want to clean it, store it, move it, etc. my girls are both well adjusted, responsible, happy adults. No scarring from loss of stuff.
There is no right or wrong way to parent. I took the best from my parents and I tried to do no harm. I wasn’t a perfect parent. However, my girls continue to thank me because I was there parent.
Hi! I happened to stumble across your article and my, I must say, the timing was just like all the stars lined up for me... I am a mom of a 3-year old boy, and I just very recently removed most of his toys that were scattered around the house - trains, cars, superhero dolls. I found that it was distracting him so much, that he just refused to respond to me on many occasions. I was also worried about the long-term "damage" that it might cause, but reading your article has wiped away any trickle of fear that I may have harboured. If anything, I find that he has now more appreciation for whatever toys that he is able to play with, and he is more curious about his environment. I am going to monitor his behaviour for the next few weeks and I am hoping that he never holds a grudge against me for this!
I think you are so amazing. I found your articles when I was trying to figure out how to enact a change in the behavior of my own children. I identify with your story SO MUCH. May the Lord bless you and protect you and your family, and may He reach the hearts of those with the desire to speak words of destruction.
You, my friend, are a GREAT mom.
I’m so glad I came across this article again! Because this is where I am with all of my children. I am a mother of 5 and I have been regularly minimizing for the last 4 years and despite letting go of so so many things, their rooms are still an absolute disaster area. I’m talking with my husband tonight about making this a reality in my girls room.
Everybody these days has something to say about everything. Nobody can just read something and take it forwhat it is. I limit my socialmedia these days for same reason.
I’m so glad I found this. I just got finished cleaning out my daughter’s room of all her toys. We had started a toy-less life last year by having a no toy Christmas, instead focusing on family experiences. My daughter said it was her favorite Christmas yet. We’ve been thinking about taking it a step further, but we were having a hard time parting with all of the things we had gifted her. With all of the frustration with the clutter, something had to be done. We took them for very similar reasons to yours... and not a single tear was shed. Why? Apparently with all that money and thought we put into all these things, we cared more about them than she did. Glad to hear I’m not the only horrible parent out there.
People are UNREAL. The reality is that every. single. child is going to have "something" that someone could call damaging. I've learned that as I've gotten older — my dad had to work nights when I was little in order to feed, clothe, and shelter us, but it affected issues of abandonment. It's just how parenting is: you have to make choices that aren't easy either way.
The fact that these people claimed you were horrible (which is a bunch of utter crap) for removing material possessions from your children is an indication of their sad state of parenting. Kids around the world have fewer entertainment sources and toys, and you know what? They're still productive. There's no perfect parenting style.
The fact that parents shame other parents is disgusting. I'm not even a parent — but I'm a proud aunt — and it makes me want to scream in frustration.
You do what you're doing, because you're using common sense and teaching your kids lessons that will have lasting positive impacts when they are old enough to realize it. Don't let armchair parents tell you otherwise, because hopefully someday when I have kids, I can parent them half as well as you are parenting yours.
It's also so ironic because in most of the world kids don't have toys. Friends from China were privileged in their society but only had a few toy cars growing up. From Africa, she never even had a doll, but did have a few books. Another friend from a nation in Africa didn't have toys but they made up games outside and played with sticks. Get real people. Meet people from other countries. In Brazil many kids used to get one present per occasion and didn't get them from grandparents or uncles/ aunts, just a gift from parents. It does not damage them psychologically. It makes people grateful for what they have.