It is often in our failures that we learn the biggest lessons; the same holds true for parenting.
Several weeks ago, on the final leg of our summer road trip, I had an epic mom fail. We still had 4 hours to go and I was tired and crabby and ready to be out of the car. I don’t even remember now what it was that set me off, whether it was the girls bickering or complaining that I wasn’t changing the DVD fast enough or spilling food or asking for the billionth time when we were going to get there, but I lost it. I got angry and I screamed at my kids.
I yelled that they needed to be better listeners, that mommies get tired too, that I can only do one thing at a time, that we would get there when we get there, and probably a few other things I wished they would understand right at that moment that they just didn’t.
I screamed and they both burst into tears. Not annoying whiney tears, or fakey tired tears, but real tears. The tears of two little girls who had just been genuinely hurt by the one person who is supposed to love them the most. I saw the devastated looks their faces and all my anger and irritation just evaporated. I burst into tears then too, and immediately apologized and asked for forgiveness, which they both gladly gave me, and after a few more tears, we all moved on.
But it was that in that moment I understood, perhaps only for the first time, just how fragile, how tender, and how easily bruised my children’s spirits really are.
I’ve had a lot of people ask why we decided to homeschool this year. There are many reasons, but the main one is our first year experience with public school was pretty rough. Maggie was the youngest in her class, emotionally immature but academically way ahead. Quiet and well-behaved and not needing any “extra” attention, she spent most of the year being completely ignored by her teacher.
When Chuck and I expressed concern at the beginning of the year that she wasn’t being challenged, we were met with a lot of defensiveness from the teacher and a little condescension from the administration. “It’s still early in the school year,” they told us, “just wait and see. We’re the educators, we know what’s best.”
So we sat back and said nothing for most of the year. I didn’t want to be seen as “that” mom, the annoying, overbearing one who thinks her kid is better than everyone else’s. And frankly, I was distracted and busy with my own projects and blogs and to-do lists. If nothing else, sending Maggie off to school each day gave me seven extra hours to get stuff done.
It wasn’t until spring that I really started to notice how withdrawn and moody and insecure she had become. I spoke up again, and this time, with a new principal, my concerns were taken more seriously, but it was near the end of the year and it became a matter of too little, too late.
I had thought about homeschooling for a long time but, to be honest, I was terrified to begin. There were so many questions, so many unknowns. Would my kids even listen to me? Would they be able to learn from me? Would I have the patience for it? How would I manage teaching two different ages two different things at the same time? How could I homeschool and still write my blogs or run my business? What if my kids became unsocialized and weird?
On the second-to-last day of school, I attended the Kindergarten “graduation ceremony.” Each student was introduced by their own teacher and I was horrified when my daughter’s teacher pronounced her name wrong. All I could think right at that moment was that as a parent, I had failed her completely. I had stood by and let my daughter spend an entire year learning from a woman who couldn’t even be bothered to learn her name. Every fear I had about homeschooling was replaced by a determination to never put my child in a situation like that again.
This is not meant to be an assault on teachers. Teaching is hard work. I have many, many friends who are teachers, and I know just how much effort they put into everything they do. From an objective standpoint, I also understand that my daughter’s teacher probably did the best she could. She had 15 students, several who were behind, a few of whom were extremely disruptive and challenging. With only so many hours in the school day, she probably had no choice but to focus most of her time and energy on the kids who needed help, not the quiet, well-behaved little girl who already knew the material sitting sweetly in the corner.
But as a mom, it’s not my job to be objective.
Those two separate instances redefined my purpose, and I realized that if I have one job as a mom, it is simply to NOT let my child’s spirit be crushed, by own actions or anyone else’s.
It’s my job to fight for my child, to pay attention and advocate and push and yes, even be annoying and overbearing if I have to be. It is my job to guard them and keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. To let them know, under no uncertain terms, that they are more important than all the other distractions in my life–the blog post I need to write, the TV show I want to watch, the article I want to read, the chores that have to be done, or the email that should be returned. It is my job to instill a sense of confidence and security and responsibility, to teach them all the things they need to know to be a successful human being. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will.
In the months since we have started homeschooling, I have had the incredible honor of watching both my daughters not only learn new skills and excel in their schoolwork, but bloom as people. With every passing day they are more confident, happier, less moody, & more content, so much so that other friends have noticed it and commented on it too. It makes me a little sad that I didn’t realize sooner just how they needed this, needed me, but the best lessons in life are often the hardest. Luckily for me, kids don’t hold a grudge.
A lot of people have also asked how long we plan to homeschool, if we will do this for junior high and high school too, and the honest truth is that I don’t know yet. We will cross that bridge when we get there. All I know is that for right now, this is where we need to be. If you are interested in some homeschool resources, please feel free to download my homeshool planner.
UPDATE: After a wonderful year of homeschooling, we decided give school another try–this time at a small local private Christian school. I wrote more about that decision here, and about how to afford private school on a budget here.
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It's so nice to find a kindred spirit! This is very similar to our experience (not in the details, but in the parts that matter). BTW, I love your homeschool planner.
thank you for this post. I realize you wrote it sometime ago, but we are struggling with our daughter who attended Montessori school from 18 month to 5 years. We enrolled her in public Kindergarten this past fall. I don't know how else to say it, but it's like she's the flashlight and her batteries are running out. She doesn't have the same excitement or enthusiam for school that she used to. I keep telling myself to give it time, there is an adjustment period. We have tried chatting with the teacher and we get nothing back. We have been tossing around the idea of homeshooling but I have fears. Much like the ones you listed above. I still don't know what we are going to do, but it's nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. Thank you.
It was really sad to hear about your little girl having a tough time at school. My eldest started nursery this year and I was filled with all the same worries - that she wouldn't make friends, that the teachers would ignore her, that she wouldn't get on. Luckily for me, she has blossomed and is loving spending time with her new friends. The teachers are lovely and supportive and know her really well and I can't wait for her to move up to proper school next year. I think it just goes to show that things happen differently for everyone, and you're absolutely right, you have to do what is best for your children. I'm lucky that she gets on well, but i would pull her out in an instant if I thought she would do better somewhere else. Good for you.
Hi Ruth, I found your blog through Pinterest - a pin for your planner (THANKS!). Loved this article. I am another one for whom it rings so true. I am thankful to be catching it before my son starts Kindergarden - he's just finishing preschool. We'll be starting homeschool officially this year! Will definitively be looking through your blog for tips! Thanks again!
I too began the journey as a home school Mum with anxiety; however the Lord has been faithful to me and our children. Our oldest two girls have just entered university and are thriving. Far from growing up 'weird' they are peer leaders with kind hearts, many sweet friends, a love of God and family and a love for learning. I am so grateful and energized as I continue the schooling of the 12 younger siblings.
I read your story on why you chose to home school and I was flooded with tears. I can relate to so many of the blogs that I've read of yours, but right now I'm struggling with this the most as the school year is approaching. My oldest daughter, age 5, is supposed to start kindergarten this year and it'll be the first experience with school. I've been so torn on what to do. She sounds a lot like your Princess. Very smart, oh so sweet, and where's her heart on her sleeve. I'm so scared that a teacher or mean kid is going to crush her sweet, artistic, and innocent little spirit. Scared is an understatement.
My youngest is 4 and she's much more shy around people she doesn't know and she follows her sisters lead. They're the best of friends.
Oh geez.. I don't think I can even finish typing this. There is so much that I want to say and ask, but right now its all becoming a whirlwind of emotions. I feel so lost and I just want what will be best for my sweet girls, and no idea where to go from here.
I'm a casual reader of your blog, but as an elementary school teacher, this post makes me sad...and so do the comments. There are so many wonderful public schools and teachers--it's a shame that we only hear the negative experiences. This is not to say that there aren't poor schools and lousy teachers--I know there are, but Ruth, I hope you've left some pieces of the story out. I definitely wondered exactly what you did to remedy the situations. There are two sides to every story. I completely respect everyone's personal choice for homeschooling, private school, charter school, etc. but I hate to read posts (or maybe it's the post with all the comments) that make it sound like public education to completely horrible. :(
Jennifer, I am saddened by the comments on this blog, also. I am not a teacher, but a mom with a son who will be starting his public school journey in August as a kindergartner. I was also homeschooled for 1st and 2nd grade, and it was a great experience. That said, I am thankful that my mom found a much better elementary school for me and my brother for us to go to after the homeschooling we had. My husband and I don't have much of a choice other than public school because we can't afford for me not to work and homeschool, and we can't afford private school. My husband works for our regional service center, and he has a lot of confidence in the public school system while also recognizing areas that need to be improved upon and fixing problems schools are having wherever they can. There are certainly schools that have a lot of room for improvement, but there are also a lot of great schools that offer a fantastic experience for children. I think it is the parents' job to be their child's advocate in any situation; public school is no exception. If the school isn't attentive to your child's needs, it probably isn't the right school for them - but there are other options other than pulling them out of the public school system. Parents, do your research on local schools and find one that works for you! A lot of times, transfers are approved if you are out of district. I don't know how it is in other areas, but here in Austin, we have some alternative public and charter schools that use different methods of teaching, like project-based programs, that focus less on standardized testing.
Gallup research shows that 15% of people are called by a name they do not prefer... Can you imagine going through life being called something you don't want to be called?!
It's hard for me to articulate to others why we intend to homeschool, especially given that I had a very positive public school experience. That said, I know that no one will put as much care into her education and to her development as her SAHD will. Thanks for sharing your story.
Crying a few tears of joy over here in the UK - four months in to our home edding journey, your blog spells out my fears and resolutions perfectly - thank you. I have spent a number of hours now browsing (mostly USA) planners in an effort to organise myself and hopefully gain confidence and this has led me to your page :-) I have downloaded the planner and send thanks for sharing that and your words. My girls are 8 and 9 and I am a sole parent trying to work from home and be all things to all people... feeling the pressure - yes - but resolved to make it work nonetheless!
Hi Hannah,
I stumbled across this blog as I am just about to embark on Home schooling for the first time. It's something that I've thought about for two years now but due to various reasons, decided to stick with regular schooling but every few weeks or so. Something happens at my son;s school that just makes me question if I'm failing him sending him every day to a school that he kind of likes BUT from comments he makes. Isn't always happy with. Home schooling in the UK, I've noticed isn't as popular as it seems to be across the waters. A lot of the info I've found is mostly from the USA or Canada. I'd be interested to know how your journey is going and any tips you can give me, also being from the UK.
I'm really pleased I found this blog site though. Lots to look at and derive inspiration from, most certainly. There also seems to be a running theme from most people whom I see home school, are also actively religious, Coincidence perhaps?? Makes me wonder if I'm missing something that perhaps I should sit up and take more notice of. (I'm not saying that Religion is a bad thing by the way, it's just something that has struck me that's all!!).
Thanks to you both. :)
As someone who was homeschooled, I have to say that this is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children! And just so you know, I've never talked to a mom who felt like she could totally handle homeschooling. :-) It is HIS grace that is made perfect in our weakness.